Idol Thoughts

It's the end of "American Idol" as we know it (and that might be fine)

2010-05-27T00:42:00.001-04:00

The two-hour-plus "American Idol" season nine finale cut off pretty abruptly Wednesday night, before newly crowned victor Lee DeWyze had even finished his take on U2's "Beautiful Day" - with a swift break that I suspect also spelled the end of "American Idol" as we know it. The show has hit bumps and survived transition before, thanks in part to a format that's proved remarkably enduring, but I'm having a hard time seeing how it can move forward without its most defining and essential persona, departing judge Simon Cowell - especially once the televised singing competition that will have the acid-tongued Brit on its judging panel, the X Factor, makes its U.S. debut in the fall of 2011. I mean, who hasn't threatened to break up with "AI" before (see: after season six)? I know I have - but it kept pulling me back in. I'll be curious to see what it has to offer next year, but also really, really skeptical that it can hold my interest, or the wider viewing audience's, for that matter. Based on the History of Idol Cycles, AI-10 ought to be better than this dismal installment, but I have to think that Simon leaving throws off that pattern completely. But, as Simon himself said, maybe it's just time to move on - everything runs its course, it's been an impressive run and I suspect he could be proven very wise for leaving when he did.

Anyway, in other news, Lee won! With "won," in this context, apparently meaning "inspired legions of teenage girls to pledge their devotion despite his obvious and fairly major shortcomings." But this night wasn't really about that, was it? I mean, despite Seacrest's hilarious assertion that "Tonight is about Crystal and Lee," which came at about 9:52 p.m., after a good 25 or so minutes in which Crystal and Lee had been neither seen, heard or mentioned. No, the "AI" powers that be knew what the big story was last night. Indeed, an Idol finale has arguably never been less about the contestants than this one, and perhaps deservedly so, in light of the subpar season, the eventual winner and Cowell's looming departure. In a weird way, that made it feel more like a series finale, what with all of the tributes to Simon and the past winners and finalists emerging onstage to serenade him. Even Randy refrained from his usual top o' the hour booing to instead applaud Simon and give him a standing ovation.

Though various figures on the broadcast gamely tried to reassure us that the show would go on without Simon, it came off to me like they were trying desperately to convince themselves that it could. I mean, how forced did that early segment featuring Seacrest and Randy feel, as they attempted to act like it was some great thing that it'd be just them now, minus Simon. Come on, guys: We know otherwise, and so do you. In the same segment, Simon tried to explain his own appeal, prefacing his remark by saying that it was going to sound arrogant, but that it was because he was the only one who knew what he was talking about. But it isn't arrogance if you can back it up, and for most of the show's run, he did - even as he seemed to coast a little bit (senioritis or lame duck-itis, perhaps?) the last couple of years.

In that context, especially, it was interesting to see a very brief clip later in the night that showed Cowell addressing contestants during Season One. At a time when none of them had ever heard of him or the show, he stood up and said that one of them would become the most famous person, the American Idol. The prediction didn't fall flat, because the show caught on (thanks, Kelly Clarkson!). Yet a few minutes later in the program, he says that he feared the show would be a failure and that he'd be kicked out of the country. I don't know if that's false modesty or not, but it's an interesting contrast that he might have felt that anxiety even when putting on a blustery face for the contestants. (Also, I had totally forgotten that he had more or at least wilder hair then - which was really weird to see, and a strange reminder of how long ago the show debuted. Eight years, egads!) Following a video tribute medley to the tune of "My Way," he said, "I've had the best 10 years of my life, so I genuinely mean this: I'm going to miss you. Thank you." The feeling is likewise, buddy.

Alas, all of this transpired on a night that also named probably the least deserving winner in the show's history, and I say that having watched all of them. To paraphrase Taylor Hicks' winner's single, THAT DID NOT MAKE ME PROUD. And, in fact, speaking of the gray-haired leader of the Soul Patrol: He may have turned into a partially-unwarranted punch line at this point, but anyone who watched Season Five could I think at least understand why and how he won (I know I did). The Davids and Kris and Adam last year were also better matched. By contrast, I have a much harder time explaining Lee's win, except by resorting to the "a lot of ladies who voted, especially tweens, just didn't care that Crystal was objectively way better." I don't want to unfairly tar my fellow female viewers with too broad a brush, but 50 years of pop history proves that musical merit is not always the first thing on early-teen audiences' minds. I'm not sure how this tide didn't play as much of a factor in the show's earlier seasons - maybe the voting audience was broader, or more diverse? - but it sure seems to have taken hold the last three years, when Crystal has been the only girl in any top two, and all of the winners have been not-totally-dissimilar, nonthreatening, guitar-strumming white guys (no disrespect to the very talented David Cook and Kris Allen, mind you). While two might not be a pattern, three straight winners from this vein is a trend, and one the show ought to confront if it moves forward - because it won't be much of a competition if girls have no chance of winning. (Incidentally, voting and eliminations are something the X Factor handles differently, to perhaps guard against this.)

That said, I think the judges also bear some responsibility for so strongly promoting the "Lee is growing so well!" narrative. Look, he stood out from the start, albeit in a very weak season, had some good performances, and seemed like a very nice guy. But he routinely struggled with pitch problems, had trouble articulating himself and didn't improve musically or confidence-wise nearly as much as the judges let on - which Tuesday's face-to-face battle with Crystal made abundantly clear. That led the judges to eat their words, but by that point, the Lee train had already left the station and was steaming down the tracks - apparently with momentum that even a seriously subpar final performance night couldn't halt. Though kind of embarrassing, it's also kind of a fitting and telling result - that such a weak season wouldn't even end with the best person winning. Anyway, it's all in the books now, and both Crystal and Lee will have to ply their trade on the open market. Will either become the next Kelly or Carrie? Highly unlikely. But the gracious, talented Crystal should be fine regardless, while Lee should be able to move ahead with true confidence, in the wake of his endearingly disbelieving reaction when the results were announced.

As for the rest of the night, well, it wasn't exactly as much of a big ol' celebration of the year that was - at least, it didn't seem to have that feel, unlike other finale nights, including last year's - because, well, come on. Was the year that was really worth celebrating? (Unsurprisingly, Seacrest mentioned during the show that they're already offering discounted tickets for the upcoming Idol tour. See you there - not!) Instead, there were painful reminders of missed opportunities - a Didi Benami sighting, for instance, and the prematurely booted Janell Wheeler serving as the correspondent at Crystal Central in Toledo - and a lineup of mostly paleolithic guest artists that didn't exactly constitute a major argument in favor of the show's relevance. Oh, what could have been! And, for that matter, what will be? A question for another time, I suppose. Here's how it unfolded:

The rundown:

"School's Out," the top 12 (dressed like schoolboys and schoolgirls, Hogwarts-style!), Orianthi, Alice Cooper and some backup folks in zombie makeup. (Unintentionally hilarious moment: Lee not dancing, even amid some weak attempted choreography.)
Farewell to Simon, segment one
"Trust," Kris Allen :-)
"How Deep Is Your Love," Siobhan, Aaron and the Bee Gees (Barry and Robin Gibb).
"Takin' It To The Streets," Michael Lynche and Michael McDonald. (Potential highlight: When Big Mike introduced McDonald and McDonald, unlike the other performers, reciprocated, saying, "Big Mike Lynche, everybody!" Finally, a nearby person Lynche probably couldn't pick up - sorry, Seacrest.)
"Simon Says," Dane Cook, backed by a bunch of infamously terrible former contestants. Well, he tried, but let's face it: Simon's words are better in the original form, which is why the show could be in trouble without them.
"Beautiful/Fighter," female finalists, doing quite the fine job, leading into...
"You Lost Me," Christina Aguilera, performing her new single, a ballad that gives me concern about her new album. Also, she forgot her pants, apparently? Because let's be real, tights with sparkles on the front of them? Not pants. But, on the bright side, at least we were spared a "Genie in a Bottle" duet with Andrew Garcia.
Ricky Gervais, via satellite, with a mildly diverting (and, definitely, better-than-Dane Cook, but, um) tribute to Simon.
"I Can't Go For That/Maneater," male finalists, before being joined by Hall & Oates for "You Make My Dreams." Aaron Kelly on "Maneater"? Oooof.
"Ironic," Crystal, followed by a duet to "You Oughta Know" with Alanis Morrisette. She rocks this, but ha, they changed the line "would she go down on you in a theater?" to "would she go down with you to the theater?" Family-friendly zone ahoy! They trade lines, then sing together, with satisfying results. (Then again, "Jagged Little Pill" was the first non-New Kids on the Block album I ever owned, so...)
"Undo It," Carrie Underwood, wearing an uber-tight black and silver outfit, singing a kicky track co-written by Kara. Her stage presence and vocal confidence has improved so much since she was on the show!
Kris Allen presents the top two with new Ford Fiestas, featuring their designs from earlier in the season. They all seem a little embarrassed to be there. And...we get a recap of the year's Ford commercials.
"Every Rose Has Its Thorn," Casey James with Bret Michaels. So, this actually sounded really good - it's like Casey could finally relax, be himself and jam, with help from a fellow rocker with long blond hair (although it didn't seem like they even introduced Michaels, did they?). And is it just me, or is the Poison frontman showing up everywhere now that he's apparently defied death, surviving a massive brain hemorrhage? Winning the "Celebrity Apprentice" on Sunday, showing up on the Idol stage Wednesday! He wasn't on "Dancing With the Stars" or "the Biggest Loser," too, was he?
"Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?/medley/25 or 6 to 4," Lee DeWyze and Chicago. Yes, Lee is from Chicago, so I see that connection - but otherwise I'm not as sure about this pairing, as cool as it was to see the trombone, sax and trumpet onstage (ok, yes, we played this in high school jazz band, but, still). Anyway: Boy, did this go off key, with some wheezy, laconic, underenunciated moments.
Farewell to Simon, yet another installment
"Pants on the Ground," General Larry Platt with - oh NO - William Hung joining him at the end. This was not as good as the original, but damn, General Larry has some serious dance moves for a dude in his 60s. The breakout hit of Season Nine, which says a lot.
Paula Abdul's recollections of Simon: "Simon was loud and proud, telling everyone how they sucked," she says, explaining her first day of work as an "Idol" judge. Ha, and that's why he was AWESOME! As I watch, though, I wonder: How is she this lucid talking about the past? Where was this Paula on the show? She then comes out onstage in a hot pink strapless minidress with a puffy skirt, and it is around this point that she starts performing as if she's at a roast, which I guess she sort of is? She praises Simon. She cracks jokes. She walks around the stage. But why are we here, again? Is this still a finale? Is someone supposed to win tonight? As she goes on, she begins to seem a bit more like her loopy self. She also notes that "AI" will not be the same without Simon, "but it will go on." She begins to seem a bit more like her loopy self. She says that American Idol will not be the same without Simon, "but it will go on." Well, maybe? This leads into more clips of Simon, including a gem of a rejected aspirant proclaiming, "That guy can shove it!" Which leads into - well, not immediately -
"Together We Are One," a ballad that brings all of the previous Idol winners (Kelly! Ruben! etc!) (except David Cook, alas, for reasons that went unexplained) together to sing, joined later by a huge line of previous finalists (Allison Iraheta, Bo Bice, Kimberly Caldwell, Elliott Yamin, Justin Guarini, Constantine Maroulis, Michael Johns - the list goes way on, though with no Daughtry or Jennifer Hudson, from what I could tell). I wasn't familiar with the song and at first feared it was the substitute for the lame Idol coronation single, but no, it's actually a British-Australian track from 2006 that was also performed as a group number during top five week in season five. (Thanks, Wikipedia!)
Aaaaand it's at this point that the night just turns into a Simon Cowell tribute hour, not that I blame them. He comes up on stage and says that though people ask him who will replace him, and who will be the next judge, "The truth is, you guys are the judge of this show, and you've done an incredible job over the years." See: For all of the caricaturing, he was never a villain - just a class act who totally knew what he was doing.
"Nasty" (!) and other songs, Janet Jackson. Though she may not have been singing entirely live, judging by the disparity between her spoken and sung parts, she did sport a fierce short haircut and perform amid green lasers galore. And while I cannot explain why she was performing here in 2010, in the Slot Previously Held By Prince, I suppose I will take her '80s gems when I can get them.
Montage of Crystal and Lee, starting from their auditions in Chicago. In case we did not get the point of their "journeys," words like "Ordinary people, ordinary lives" flash across the screen.
"With a Little Help From My Friends," Crystal, Lee and Joe Cocker. Yes, this is the song that starts, "What would you do if I sang out of tune?" Well, if you're a Lee voter, disregard that and vote for like crazy for your guy anyway? Ha, I kid. Anyway, Crystal looked like she was having a total blast during this one, and she again outsung Lee. While Cocker was a bit rough - I mean, not in his traditional, that's-just-his-voice way, but in a "he's straining more now than in the past" fashion - one cannot dispute Crystal's label for him, which is "living legend."
Results.
"Beautiful Day," Lee. Despite the fact he's choked up, he actually sings it better than he did Tuesday night - before being abruptly cut off, that is. Cue the news -and the hand-wringing, and the speculation.

Season nine leaves a Crystal-clear choice

2010-05-26T00:29:00.003-04:00

On a show that tends to reward contestants who "grow," Lee DeWyze had the momentum heading into Tuesday's "American Idol" season nine performance finale. But Crystal Bowersox brought something far more important: Unbridled talent, with both the skills and, yes, the ambition to carry the night. By the time the evening was through, viewers had witnessed a Crystal eclipse, buoyed by superior personality, confidence, musicality, pitch, phrasing and the factor that's arguably hardest to pin down, but easiest to recognize when you see it - heart.

After the judges buried Lee with praise last week, I still figured anything could happen - neither contestant seemed an overwhelming, easy favorite, offering hope that season nine, for all its disappointments, might at least conclude interestingly. But, I also suspected that, as much as I wanted both contestants to bring their A games, top two night would offer little middle ground. Either the Chicago paint salesman would triumphantly barrel across the finish line, or the Ohio mom would roar back and knock it out of the park, something she'd shown herself capable of all season. Well, chalk one up for the second option, because she totally rose to the occasion, even as the producers handed Lee just as many chances to do the same. Lee lacked spark compared to Crystal, and seeing only the two of them facing off made the contrast and disparity starker. While Lee has an appealing, raspy tone, he continued to struggle with pitch and, to an extent, confidence, while Crystal happily belted out incredible notes. Most of the night, the sound mix also seemed a bit off, with arrangements threatening to overwhelm the contestants' singing. To be fair, though, Crystal showed Tuesday that she wasn't just better than Lee, she was better than everyone all year. For that, she deserves to win. But will she? I'm not as certain.

Even though Lee didn't measure up to that high standard, the night overall was still, frankly, a lot better than anyone had any right to expect, with several non-intrusive hat tips to the departing Simon Cowell and a shockingly low schlock factor helped immensely by the surprising lack of an original winner's single. Instead, Crystal and Lee both performed covers of non-crappy, relatively recent, uplifting-without-being-maudlin songs. This, from the show that just last year brought us poor Kris and Adam attempting "No Boundaries"? From the show that's unleashed "Inside Your Heaven," "A Moment Like This," "Do I Make You Proud" and - well, I needn't go on. Suffice it to say, this shift dramatically lowered the cheese content, even if it was scarily un-Idol-like. As much of an improvement as both songs were musically, part of me longed for Lee and Crystal to have to run the gauntlet that the mighty Idols before them also faced down, tackling the dreck head-on - it's like, what's "American Idol" without the terrible original song to ridicule? That said, I get why the producers opted to dump it after nine seasons: The winner's singles rarely had any long-term impact, musically or commercially, anyway, nor did they ever really speak to the type of album a contestant would make. So why not sub in a cover?

At the top of the show, I couldn't have been the only one thinking, "Surely, some of these people must have been better than a bunch of the finalists," as photos of rejected hopefuls from auditions flashed on the screen. Still, at least the producers didn't portray Lee and Crystal as boxers, a la the Battle of the Davids two years ago. Helpfully, Seacrest informed us that, "Both are here to win it," and assured us, less than reassuringly, that the judges would guide us along the way. In keeping with tradition, Randy booed Simon after his introduction, although perhaps this night, he was booing because the show's most important stalwart is about to leave the panel after nine seasons. (At least, that's why I'd be booing.) Also in keeping with tradition, Cowell dressed up for the occasion, with a jacket and semi-unbuttoned button-down shirt instead of the usual v-neck t-shirt.

Cutting to shots of Lee and Crystal walking down the looong Nokia Theatre aisles, Crystal seemed jauntier and more excited, while Lee took more of a languid stroll. "This is a lot of people!" Crystal exclaimed once onstage. Girl, not nearly as many as are watching at home! Anyway, having won the coin toss, she elected to go second - who wouldn't? - and so it began:

Round one, contestants' favorite from this season:
Simon & Garfunkel's "The Boxer" was the right choice for Lee - a song he performed long enough ago that it didn't seem repetitive, yet one that remained resonant and a good fit vocally. He was possibly more in tune this time than he had been the first time around, but if it was more polished, it wasn't quite as emotional, either. The judges urged him to be more energetic and exciting. "That was a kiss on the cheeks when I wanted a kiss on the lips," Simon said, hastening to add, "Not from you." Oh, how we'll miss those bons mots!
To the surprise of no one, meanwhile, Crystal revisited Janis Joplin's "Me and Bobby McGee," a nonetheless savvy choice that reminded viewers why they liked her in the first place - and why she'd stood out since the year's early rounds. (Also, seriously, how cute were those pictures of lil' guitar-playing, braces-wearing Crystal? Of course her first gig was in a mall coffee shop, playing the same 10 songs as people came and went.) Standing behind her familiar mic stand, with an acoustic guitar in hand, she laid down her template for the night - singing confidently, in fine voice, varying phrasing and dynamics and flashing happiness and engagement. This prompted heaps of judges' praise: "You are just so compelling on stage," Ellen said.

Round two, executive producer Simon Fuller's choice:
Fuller handed Lee a prime filet mignon of a song with R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts," but alas, the paint salesman proceeded to serve it up at low temperature with little to no seasoning - starting off disappointingly samey, plagued by the unbalanced mix, with a big backing chorus then inexplicably entering the proceedings. Yet ultimately, it didn't build or amount to much. The judges observed the same, with Ellen noting that every time he seemed to be getting into it, he'd pull back. Simon rightfully commended the song choice, but observed that Lee went off the melody early on - and cautioned him to rein in his nerves and recognize the importance of the night's show. "I want a 10 out of 10," he said, "because you're capable of it."
Meanwhile, Crystal got stuck with the package of 80-percent-lean ground beef that is Alannah Myles' "Black Velvet," a song that has been performed - mostly poorly - on "Idol" so many times that the mere mention of it induces grimaces and cries of "Why?!" (Simon, it transpired, had the same reaction.) But while not a particularly original or relevant pick, she managed to make it sizzle. The song certainly suited her voice, and darned if she didn't improve on the overdone original, rocking it up and sprinkling in some giant notes. Though she sounded to me to go a bit off key at the end, the overall ferociousness of the performance was pretty undeniable. "MamaSox is in it to win it! That was hot!" Randy enthused. Kara praised her for giving her all tonight. Simon, meanwhile, articulated the thoughts of millions: "I had a little bit of a problem, because I'm almost allergic to that song, I've heard so many people murder it in auditions," he said. "But I have to tell you, you took that song and you absolutely nailed it."

As the commercials struck up following this semi-unexpected turn of events - that is, Crystal's ongoing dominance and her ability to render "Black Velvet" palatable - I then wrote in my notebook, "OH GOD, THE WINNERS' SINGLE." I tell you, I was filled with dread. BUT NO! A twist awaited!

Round three, the winner's single:
Otherwise known as, "When things got more interesting." When Seacrest unassumingly announced that Lee would be performing "Beautiful Day," I immediately thought, "What, no way would they give him a song with that name, not with the U2 song already out there!" But lo and behold, it WAS the U2 song - and so, with little fanfare, it turned out that the show had shifted away from the original winners' singles after nine seasons.
Anyway, this was Lee's final chance to make an impression, and honestly, despite Simon telling him he made the most of it, he kind of blew it. It wasn't an unsuitable choice, but he did nothing with it, with pitch that was painfully weird and a bit flat at times and was, frankly, a bit drowned out by the arrangement, as the judges later noted. Lee's voice isn't as naturally soaring as Bono's, and it appeared he initially struggled to compensate, before digging into the song more at the end, with stronger and more sustained vocals. This prompted plenty of applause, but tepid endorsements from the judges, who at this point had clearly recognized the smackdown Crystal was delivering - Kara even broke out the ol' "You deserve to be here" line. Simon credited Lee for being a nice person throughout and referenced his journey from paint-store clerk to Member of the Top Two, remarking, "This is what this show is about." But seriously, isn't Crystal's path also what the show is all about - I mean, she was literally playing on subway platforms before trying out.
I feared what Crystal might end up with, but as it turned out, I shouldn't have worried, because she returned with Patty Griffin's "Up to the Mountain," a moving, modern folk-soul song also performed beautifully by Kelly Clarkson on the 2007 "Idol Gives Back," accompanied by Jeff Beck. (Honestly, it was awesome: Check it out yourself on YouTube.) Clarkson is probably the former contestant most comparable to Crystal, at least in voice if not in terms of potential pop-star malleability, so it was a fitting choice in that regard. Distressingly, a Google search revealed that Cowell protege Susan Boyle also included a version of it on her debut album - one that's way too cold and stiff for an emotional song, inspired by Martin Luther King Jr.
Astonishingly, the song was not only genuinely - as opposed to sappily - inspirational, but actually kind of subtle. Playing her acoustic guitar, wearing a lovely diamond-y necklace and backed by an understated chorus, Crystal emoted her heart out on the song, standing and delivering a huge note, but then proceeding to choke up and finish softly. This feeling spread to the judges, too - Randy appeared to have grown teary-eyed, which was a rare sight (he's going all Paula on us!), and he paused a moment before saying, "This is what this show is about - an amazing performance by an amazing singer." Ellen rightfully praised Crystal's voice, while Kara said Crystal let down her walls and invested in the performance. At that point Crystal, somewhat hilariously interrupted - I mean dude, they were in the middle of majorly complimenting you! - to thank Simon for his criticism, before getting lost, wandering a bit and hitting the cul-de-sac of her remarks by saying, "Good luck on your future endeavors," which sounds a lot like a letter telling you you've been rejected from a job or from college. Once The Only Judge That Matters got a word in edgewise, he called Crystal's take "By far the best performance and the best song of the night." And, he added, since this was going to be the last criticism he was ever going to give on the show, "That was outstanding."
When Seacrest asked Crystal how she felt, she said, "I'm beside myself - actually, I'm beside Ryan Seacrest," which, I mean, HA. She then spoke of her family, her dreams and concluded, "I'm ready for anything." After that, she should be: She took advantage of the opportunity she had, and she didn't hold back. In an interesting full-circle moment, the show then concluded with Will Young, the winner of the original, British "Pop Idol" that started the whole franchise, singing this year's exit song, "Leave Right Now."

Rationally, empirically, it's clear that Crystal was the best. Even if Lee "wins," she'll always have that - and, one has to think, a music career, no matter what. But I also wonder, especially in a lackluster season like this one, who's even invested enough to really get passionate about the outcome (and, accordingly, vote)? How, for that matter, will the "teen girl" vote that's tipped the Idol scales toward male winners lately play out?

It's weird, because Idol viewers know, logically, that runners-up can succeed just as much as the official winners. But at the same time, what is the point of the show if you don't root for and want the best person to win? That's sort of how I feel about this - I know Crystal will be ok regardless of the outcome and might even be better off as the runner-up, but this being a singing competition, she deserves the crown. Then again, in a pop landscape that's far more competitive and vast than whatever exists in the Idol bubble, will it make a difference anyway? You don't have to look back that far to find out: Though I was really happy to see both Kris Allen and Adam Lambert in last year's final, I really wanted Adam to win. He didn't, and while plenty of Adam fans (ok, including this one) initially reeled at the result, a year later, it doesn't really bother me. He'd proven his talent, he still got his chance and he's working to make the best of it. And if this year's duo is deserving, no matter how the results shake out, they'll get the same opportunity, and take it from there.

It's top three day, with plenty of Lee-way

2010-05-19T00:04:00.002-04:00

According to my calendar, the current "American Idol" season still has one week left to go - which leaves me confused after Tuesday's show, because I think I just witnessed a coronation. Yes, that's supposed to happen in the finale, not on top three night, but since when have the "AI" powers that be shied away from a little - or, you know, a lot of - blatant manipulation? Certainly not last evening, when they hawked a very special storyline known as "Lee DeWyze: He Can Really Win This Thing!" within an inch of its gravelly-voiced, self-effacing life. In other words: Lee held up his end of the bargain enough - by keeping himself together and performing decently - that he's totally going to be around next week. And might - well, you know, win this thing.

Does he deserve to? I'm not as sure about that; Lee might have the momentum, but Crystal is still the cream of this crop. But if Casey's devotees deluge the phone lines tonight, she may not even make it to next week's showdown (or, perhaps more appropriately, welterweight bout). Anyway, let us not get ahead of ourselves: We only have one more week to hear Randy boo Simon at the start of the show. And, for that matter, we only have one more week in which to potentially hear a relatively non-manufactured blockbuster performance. Chances of the latter are, I fear, not encouraging.

All season long, the judges have been champing at the bit to extract a "Moment" (TM) from this threadbare group of finalists, about to pop a vein as they will themselves to think "Why won't someone just have a moment already! Auuuugh!" Alas, the contestants just wouldn't oblige. So it figures that this week, when the judges at last had some power - to pick one of the two songs each contestant would perform, with the contestants choosing the other - they'd use it to create the ideal circumstances for, particularly, their current favored son, Lee, to have one now. The heavy-handed message: You wanted yourselves a moment? You got yourselves a moment!

Said moment came at (of course!) the end of the show, when Lee performed the tune Simon selected for him: Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah." Let me stipulate for the record that "Hallelujah" is an incredible song, not to mention a moving and potentially haunting one, especially as regards Jeff Buckley's iconic, deservedly famous cover. But especially lately, it's also become a bit overdone - an easy, emotionally manipulative crutch to reach for every time you want to evoke that mournful, elegaic feeling, a hipper equivalent of trotting out "Yesterday" or "I Will Always Love You" or "Unchained Melody." I mean, for goodness' sakes, Tim Freakin' Urban sang it earlier this very season, and Jason Castro also performed it with about 75 percent less bombast and 50 percent more emotional connection during Season Seven. Another of Simon Cowell's discoveries, Alexandra Burke, the 2008 winner of Britain's "X-Factor," released a version of it as her debut single. I heard Bon Jovi cover it when he performed in Charlotte last month. The list goes on and on. But the key to nailing the song isn't in the bombast. It's about infusing it with feeling. More on that later.

At the end of the show, Seacrest exhorted viewers to vote, saying, "Don't lose the contestant you've invested in all season!" But isn't that the problem with this season, which might as well be called "Somnambulant Idol"? I mean, has anyone, including the contestants, really invested in it? The remaining three finalists - Casey James, Crystal Bowersox and DeWyze - are three people who look like they need to be poked, prodded and otherwise forced into mustering up the ambition to win (so, in other words, the polar opposites of the audacious Adam Lambert). I'm not talking about modesty - Kris Allen was extremely humble, but when he stepped on the stage every week, he went for it, and audiences responded. Most of the times this year's top three have shown us who they are and what they want to be, it's been a bar-band singer, a member of the inaugural Lilith Fair tour and one of those interchangeable Nickelback-y dudes on 106.5 The End - none of which are all that relevant to the current pop landscape. Lee is perhaps the closest, but does he really do anything that Chris Daughtry didn't do better four years ago? He's a nice guy, but can come up a little short in musical savvy; that said, it sure seems that Simon looks at him and sees dollar signs. (I could see Crystal, honestly, carving more of a place for herself, if not necessarily on Top 40 radio.)

At any rate, to the setlist, as it was:

Casey: The tall Texan says he picked singer-songwriter Eric Hutchinson's "Ok, It's Alright With Me" because it's "a good representation of me as an artist." This turns out to be true, unfortunately: It's a midtempo acoustic pop song most people have never heard of, performed in the style of something you'd flip by on the radio dial, which is kind of perfectly Casey. (Degrees of Idol separation, by the way: Hutchinson has opened for Kelly Clarkson). His voice is fine, the style suits him, but it just isn't enough - and frankly, it hasn't been all season, with a few exceptions. But gee, standing there on stage, he sure is pretty. "I'm just glad to be here," he says, but the judges are displeased. "If you were having dinner, that's the salad," Simon says, adding that the song choice left no lasting effect on the most important night of Casey's life. "But," he said, "you sounded good." Decent and boring at once? The story of Casey's season, people!
Casey's judges' pick was John Mayer's "Daughters," selected by Kara and Randy. One of the least-heinous Mayer songs, this was actually a good fit for Casey, but I was left unclear about what the arrangement was going for - for some reason, it sounded like it had less guitar than the original, even though those type of bluesy guitar lines play precisely to Casey's strengths. "Every artist needs to know their audience, and your audience is women and girls," Kara informed Casey. That seemed to disappoint him - surely, he wants to rock it out for dudes, too! Not with this song, though, a languid paean to the importance of treating girls right. I am not sure the key worked for him, however, and he seemed uncertain, almost taking the already-subtle song down another notch, underenunciating his words at the beginning and finishing a bit weakly. That said, it showed his usually appealing sensitive side and was certainly an improvement on his first outing. "This fit you like a glove," Randy said, hilariously, because he picked it. But Simon labeled it a bit of a lazy arrangement, saying that Casey needed a bigger vocal moment on a night like this.

Crystal: Look, Crystal is my favorite finalist this year. But my issue with her is that she has not really ever picked anything surprising. She's excellent at what she does, but she hasn't ventured outside her comfort zone to put a twist on an unexpected song - a point that her selection Tuesday proved precisely. Melissa Etheridge's "Come to My Window" is exactly what you'd expect Crystal to choose. "It's always been one of my favorites, and it's a song about passion and love," she says. And I get that - that's defensible. As Simon later observes, admiringly, she's stayed true to who she is all season long and hasn't compromised herself as an artist. Sometimes, that works; others, it's like, you have this opportunity and use it on this? Then again, she hasn't really been challenged very much, has she? It's not like there are other contestants pushing her to go above and beyond.
Her stated goal with the Etheridge song was "to have fun." (Ugh, are we still on that?) "And get votes?" Seacrest asked gamely. "To have fun and get votes," she more repeats than reiterates. But a bad arrangement overpowers her, and she veers into some sharpish, nervous notes. Her phrasing, usually her best asset, is intact, and she does finish strong.
Ellen's pick, "Maybe I'm Amazed," by Paul McCartney, kind of baffled me - it's repetitive and features the line, "Baby I'm a lonely man," which doesn't really seem to embody Crystal. But I appreciated the rookie judge's motivation in picking the song: "I just wanted her to surprise people," Ellen said. And indeed, it seemed Crystal did mostly succeed at that, laying down some ferocious vocals and basically trying to throw the whole 'Sox at it, going without her guitar and displaying personality. To me, it nonetheless seemed like a waste of Crystal, frankly, but Kara said it showed off new parts of her voice. "That was terrific," Simon said, after confessing he was initially skeptical of the song choice, and even though his crush on Crystal appears to be waning. Randy, meanwhile, returned to a familiar well, shouting, "America, we got somebody else in it to win it!" Now, let's just hope she's still in it next week.

Lee: Lee finished the night riding high, and why shouldn't he have, performing in the pimp slot with the pimp song? But he also started strong, with a far savvier song choice than either of his fellow contestants made: Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Simple Man," which is 100 percent suited for his voice - so much so, in fact, that his version in a way ended up sounding like a slightly more tentative version of the recent cover by Shinedown, a band with a similar singer. However, both they and Skynyrd performed it more deliberately than Lee, who sped it up a bit and in doing so breezed past some of the deliberativeness that gives the song its power. To my ears, he also hit some sharp notes and whiffed a little on the big note, too.
Regardless, the powers that be were pushing the Lee narrative from the start of the evening, with Seacrest saying he'd returned from his rapturously received trip home to Chicago "a different guy." I sensed a bit more spring to his step and sparkle in his eye, but he still seemed to me pretty much the same shy dude we met weeks ago, with only moderately improved stage presence.
The judges called round one for him, but that was nothing compared to the avalanche o' praise they unleashed in round two - starting even before Lee sang, with Simon explaining that he picked "Hallelujah" because "This is his night, (a) big, big, night for him," and because though we'd heard the song, we hadn't heard it like Lee could do it, and that it would show the kind of artist he could be. This continued after the performance:

"I've been waiting all season to see who's going to throw down the real gauntlet and win the whole thing," Randy enthused, while then acknowledging the obvious, which is that Simon set it up perfectly for Lee. Really, it was like swinging at a T-ball stand when Crystal had to hit a curveball.
"That was stunning, just stunning," Ellen said.
Kara used the phrase "incredible, epic moment" and made the frankly ludicrous claim that, "You were the heart of the show this season, and you just owned the entire night."
Simon: "Tonight, with that performance, you proved you are a great singer, a fantastic person and I really hope for you you make it next week." (No, really?)

Lee, for his part, thanked Simon for the song, as well he should have. But shorn of the overheated rhetoric, how was it? Honestly, it was good. But it was not that good - though to be fair, hardly anything could be, in the face of such crazy praise. Though Lee was dressed as if headed to work an afternoon at the paint store, our cues to interpret this as a Major Moment arrived early, with strings swelling in the arrangement and a choir walking up behind him. But those flourishes aren't what make "Hallelujah" "Hallelujah" - you have to sing it with deep feeling and mean it, and I'm not sure Lee fully succeeded at that. The strings and horns and backup singers kind of dwarfed Lee's vocal efforts, and his voice faded in and out a little before finishing strong. "It's just one of those songs when you're playing it, it pulls everything out of you," he said.
Afterward, Simon grinned with approval as sustained applause rang out. Lee stood there a little dumbstruck, and clearly moved. But I'm not going to let myself fall prey to emotional manipulation - at least, not this week.

Who hits the trail? It really ought to be curtains for Casey, not just based on tonight's performances, or because a Crystal-Lee finale has seemed inevitable for weeks or because, honestly, they're the two that deserve it based on their entire seasons - although those are all valid reasons. No, it's also because a Crystal-Lee finale would at least be semi-suspenseful and relatively more interesting, in a season that has offered little in the way of intrigue.

Movie night gets two thumbs (mostly) down

2010-05-12T01:00:00.000-04:00

The previews are over, you've turned your cell phone off, and now it's time for "Top Four Night, Q&A style!" Because if that lumbering ratings behemoth we call "American Idol" isn't going to spice up its themes, I'm at least going to try something a little different with mine:

Q: So, what did you really think of this year's "Songs of the Cinema" Top Four night?
A: Oh dear, that was an awfully long hour, wasn't it? In other words: I think I would have rather watched last year's lesser top four duet - that'd be Kris Allen and Danny Gokey with "Renegade" - on repeat for an hour straight than sit through that again. And, not to do this to you once more - because by now the fact that Season Nine doesn't quite stack up to Season Eight is sort of old hat, but - venture with me, if you will, back through the dusky sands of time to Top Four Night in 2009, which featured the following: Slash (!!!) as a mentor, Adam Lambert singing Led Zeppelin, Kris Allen rocking out to the Beatles and Allison Iraheta tearing into Janis Joplin. Even Danny Gokey's terrifying "Scream" - er, "Dream On," was at least memorably overreaching. And there was also one of the most awesome moments in an already-awesome season, the Adam/Allison "Slow Ride" duet. In fact, let me go watch my iTunes download of said duet right now, to cleanse my palate.

(Pause for two rocktacular minutes)

Ok, I'm back. And, alas, back to considering what we saw not last year, but last night. Instead of "ROCK NIGHT," we had "SCHLOCK NIGHT" - or, excuse me, I'm sorry, "Songs from the Movies." But really, what was this, the post-lunchtime shift on Boring 102.5 FM circa 1995, featuring all of your light adult favorites? Because instead of rock 'em sock 'em cinematic music action, we instead got Seal, Michael Jackson from his wispy-inspirational-ballads phase, Kenny Loggins, Bryan Adams and Simon and Garfunkel (who are legends, yes, but not as performed by Casey James, I'm afraid). In other words, we got served - served a big, steaming, stinky hunk of cheese, with only one brief, welcome respite.

Q: Surely you exaggerate. It couldn't have been that bad, could it?
A: "Everyone loves the movies," Seacrest said. No! Incorrect! Not on "American Idol," where "movies" for some reason usually translates to "treacle central," even though movies have provided plenty of great songs (say, "Purple Rain," to pull one out of a hat). I get that contestants are presented with a list of songs from which to pick, but they're not limited to that list - and the fact that this year's top four chose not to venture elsewhere when presented with some pretty sappy choices reflects poorly on them. "All of these faces came to this stage with a dream, but only one will see it realized," Seacrest also informed us at the top of the hour - but at this point, I'm wondering whether they can even articulate their dreams, outside of the legitimately talented but seemingly conflicted (as in, "Why am I on 'American Idol'?") Crystal.
In addition, the night brought the return of Jamie Foxx as a mentor, even though he just filled the same role on the show last year. He was again fine, but even so, bringing him back seemed to me to demonstrate laziness and a lack of originality. Not on Foxx's part, necessarily, I should note - kind of amusingly, he made up t-shirts reading "Contestant" and "Artist," and presented the remaining finalists with one or the other based on the quality of their mentoring-session performance.

Q: So Lee sang "Kiss From a Rose," and you know, that guy has a knack for putting a modern spin on all kinds of tunes. That sounds promising enough, right?
A: Oh, it sounded promising - when all I'd heard was a clip of Lee rehearsing. (He earned an "artist" shirt, for the record.) Then the actual performance began, and he was both tentative and all over the place, singing too soft and off key, and only sparking during the chorus, with little conviction or meaning to any of it. Quoth Randy: "For me, you did nothing with that song. It was just ok." Simon labeled it "verging on karaoke" and said that Lee deserved the "contestant" t-shirt. For the first of what will be many times this evening, multiple judges question why the contestant picked the song. (Speaking of things that do not make sense, let us also point to Ellen's "critique" of "I think there could've been more done with the song. That said, you're so good!") Also: Lee needs a serious crash course from the Adam Lambert School of On-Stage Conversation because his attempted explanation of why he picked the song was waaaay empty, starting with "I felt good about it" and proceeding downhill from there.

Q: Did I hear this correctly? Did Mike really sing the song from "Free Willy"?
A: He did, ladies and gentlemen, he did. It is otherwise known as Michael Jackson's "Will You Be There." Mike starts by saying that "A year ago, I made a goal to get into the top three." Overconfident much? Anyway, your first sign that things were probably not going to pan out was when Jamie Foxx tried to present Mike with the "contestant" shirt and he wouldn't accept it. But boy, he sure did prove he deserved it, because his rendition was irrelevant, something that even five background singers marching down the stairs behind him did not help. What it lacked in feeling, it definitely did not make up for in the vocal flourishes. "It didn't really take off anywhere," Randy said. Kara, meanwhile, did not feel goosebumps, and not just because she was dressed professionally, with sleeves. "What you did tonight, you could do in your sleep," she said. (Wait, Mike was awake during that performance?) And he didn't exactly get a ringing endorsement from Simon, either: "At least you gave it 100 percent and I kinda felt that you meant it," the Acerbic One said, before being cut off by music. (And for the record, Simon, "Free Willy" is a movie about a killer whale. Or orca. Whatever.)

Q: Ok, but you said there was one good part of the evening - I mean, aside from the fact that it ended, I presume? When did that crop up, pray tell?
A: The third performance in, when Lee and Crystal performed "Falling Slowly" from "Once" - the tender duet that took the Oscar for Best Song a few years ago. Standing facing each other, each with an acoustic guitar, Lee and Crystal's voices melded pleasingly, save for a few off notes, mostly from Lee. (As a side note, this also demonstrated Crystal's superior skill.) More importantly, they sang with heart and feeling, playing off of each other, interacting and building the emotion of the song into a joyous finish - and making for one of the coolest, most genuine moments of the entire season. The judges all agreed, and semi-hilariously, Kara praised it; she called it a risky and obscure choice when Kris Allen performed it last year, but apparently in the intervening time it's become an Idol standby? On that note, Kris was the first contestant to sing the song on the show, but bringing up his also-excellent rendition would have required the judges to, well, mention Kris Allen, and we all know how they feel about doing that. Anyway, as duets go, this was more Adam-and-Allison than the alternative: "Lee's my musical crush - I told him that in Chicago, when I was sitting next to him at auditions," Crystal joked.

Q: Casey performed "Mrs. Robinson"? Let me guess: The judges cracked wise - or, what they thought was wise - making cougar jokes at Kara's expense?
A: Right you are, savvy viewer, because we couldn't have seen that coming FIVE HUNDRED MILES AWAY!

Q: Er, what about the performance?
A: Playing with a mandolin was a cool touch, but otherwise, sitting in that awkward kind of swaying-audience-pit-area, Casey just kind of faded into the song, singing lackadaisically to an arrangement that was kind of musically same-y, robbing the song of its cleverness and spirit. I was left unsure of what he was trying to do, and why, for that matter, and the judges wondered the same thing. "Why did you choose that song?" Randy said. I mean, it wasn't completely abysmal, but what was the point? Said Simon: "I do think there've been some very strange song choices tonight, and that was one of them."

Q: Tell me, did you not die a little inside when Ryan Seacrest said, "Coming up, it's Crystal and the classic song from 'Caddyshack'"?
A: Yes. I cannot tell a lie, I was concerned. Of all the songs to pick, she goes for, well...I mean, even Seacrest was skeptical: "The judges have been tough on your song choice, and you're going with a song from 'Caddyshack'?"

Q: You're referring to "I'm Alright," by Kenny Loggins?
A: I know, cue the "Yacht Rock" references, right?

Q: "Yacht Rock"? Not so much in this case. Did you know that "I'm Alright" can actually be construed as a defiant, riot-grrl anthem?
A: Huh?

Q: Didn't you hear how Crystal tried to remake this grade-A slice of Velveeta - with a bit of a snarl, a bit of an angry edge, playing her guitar, with a percussionist standing nearby onstage and an almost-country guitar sound in the background?
A: Oh, I heard that. She threw everything she had at that de-cheesing effort. It was, well, a little strange, to say the least. But unlike anyone else last night, she actually tried to make something of her song. She played it with feeling, and after a couple tentative weeks, her voice was most definitely back. So, I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. She's still miles above everyone else, and I hope the voters reward her for it. The judges said she took the song and made it better, but given the song in question, I am not sure how high a bar that was. "After that performance, you, Crystal, are back in the game," Simon proclaimed. Probably so - was she ever really out of it? - but it's so much easier to get back in the game when your opponents keep stumbling. And also, really, I can understand "Free Willy," but really, Simon Cowell has never seen "Caddyshack"? That sounds like a man card violation. I mean, even Crystal had seen "Caddyshack," dude.

Q: But on to something really important. Did you see Crystal's boyfriend's pants?
A: Yes, I did. They were kind of amazing - American flag print and all - although his ensemble, as a whole, made it look like he'd just arrived from volleyball practice.

Q: So the night ended there, right?
A: Sadly, no - we still had one more duet to go, and it was a strange yet predictable one: Casey and Mike singing Bryan Adams' "Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman." It did feature fine guitar playing from Casey, but that couldn't compensate for the fact that he and Mike hardly sang together - they more switched off verses then actually dueted - and when they did, on the chorus, their voices didn't really mesh. The judges, nonetheless, praised it, noting along the way that the duets were far better than the solo performances tonight (indeed, they were, but again, only compared to the baffling standard set by said solo performances). Another salient judges' quip from this one: "As a matter of fact, yes, I have loved a woman," Ellen says. Hah.

Q: Whew, that's over. But who's going home?
A: If I had to guess, maybe Casey, though Mike probably deserves it just as much. So, yeah. Roll credits on THAT. Time to go listen to the new M.I.A. single.

Sinatra night starts spreadin' the snooze

2010-05-05T00:40:00.005-04:00

Wow, how about that primary election, eh? Oh, wait, forgive me - my mind was just drifting away toward one of the many contests, horse races, etc. that contained more excitement and will to win than tonight's Frank Sinatra-themed installment of "American Idol." And that's despite Ol' Blue Eyes' impeccable songbook and supreme musical inspiration, and the super-personable, ultra-good-humored, warm and witty presence of a man who doesn't do too bad in the blue eyes department himself, Harry Connick Jr. But really, I ask: Does anyone really want to win this season? Because sometimes, that doesn't seem to clear at all - which is totally mind-boggling, given that the prize up for grabs goes a little bit beyond, oh, I don't know, a free Happy Meal.

Oftentimes, standards night - which is what this was, by any other name - brings out the surprising best in contestants, when they scrub up and tackle timeless tunes. One of Kelly Clarkson's defining performances, "Stuff Like That There," came during this theme, and I can still remember the joy of Clay Aiken's "Mack the Knife." But in true Season Nine fashion, this go-round was just kind of there, despite the judges' burst of enthusiasm toward the end of the evening. After several seasons with the likes of Blake Lewis, David Cook and, especially, Kris Allen and Adam Lambert, the consensus seemed to be that "Idol" had moved into an era where being able to rearrange a song would be more important, but this year's crop doesn't seem quite as adept, or able to adapt.

In the AI Olden Days, Top Five night meant 10 performances, but instead Tuesday brought us five, stretched out over the course of an hour, cushioned by heaps of Seacrestian Filler: Interviews, drawn-out introductions, so on, so forth. "We started with over 100,000," Seacrest noted to start the show - and I'm sorry, man, but I remain unconvinced that out of that giant number, these are the five best. Then - wait, what was that jovial New Orleans-accented voice saying, "This...is American Idol"? Why, it was Connick, who not only mentored the contestants but arranged their songs and backed them onstage, playing piano, with a big band featuring some of his mates. ("You think Shania Twain was up in here doing this?" he joked in mock indignation, as he was pictured sitting in front of a music-filled computer screen. Well, I guess not, but I could more readily imagine her undertaking it than, oh, Miley Cyrus.) On the plus side, the Connick-led band was tight and bright, but his arranging the songs did for the most part corral the contestants into fairly traditional interpretations, on the off chance any of them would have wanted to attempt a more radical reinvention.

Seacrest, in his introduction, called Sinatra "the original American Idol" - which, ok, I can agree with - and notes that he made classic songs his own (see, kids, what happens when you Make Songs Your Own!), which, Host's Cheesy Voiceover Quotient aside, is also true. Sinatra was a master of style and interpretation, and he also carried tunes with ease and absolute confidence. To connect the legend with the present, his daughters Tina and Nancy were in the house, and they presented Simon, a major fan, with one of their father's monogrammed handkerchiefs. Did the performances drive him to use it? Find out:

Aaron: Our first sign that Harry isn't taking his mentoring role with undue seriousness arrives when he greets lil' Aaron with a hearty "Big Mike!" This puts the high schooler at ease, and they discuss notes and how best to hold them in "Fly Me To The Moon." The big-band arrangement is excellently jazzy, but as usual, Aaron's lower register and quieter notes are shaky to start. Moreover, even though he's dressed up in a vest, tie, blue button-down shirt and tie, he just doesn't have any attitude, any panache - and he finishes with an overly twangy tone ill-suited to the song. While Randy says he thinks it was ok and Ellen makes the first of several jokes at Connick's expense, Kara says it isn't as strong as last week (which, seriously, was not that strong, either) and asks for more charisma. Simon cuts more directly to the chase: "I adore Frank, because he was the king of cool," Simon said. "If he was a lion, you were just a mouse." But then, he tacks on something along the lines of "People like you because you try hard." Granted, that isn't a given this year, but is that really the criteria we're using? You tried? I'd like him if he was, you know, better, but this is sub-sub-Archuleta territory. And at this point, I also wonder: What else can he really do? Rock? I mean, we saw how "Blue Suede Shoes" worked out.

Casey: The oft-smiling Texan notes that he's listened to Connick his entire life, and the two seem to have a good rapport: "Don't screw it up," Harry jokes to Casey just before his performance. But alas, he did screw it up, with it being "Blue Skies." Singing without his guitar, Casey looked confused and even more unsure of how to move onstage, with his happy facial expression a little disconnected from the content of the song. That tentativeness carried over to his singing, too, which veered into all kinds of out-of-tune territory, despite a strong arrangement. This prompts an avalanche of criticism: "This was like, your worst performance for me, dude," (Guess Who), "That felt very stiff to me," (Ellen), "At least you held some notes...the bad thing is, you kinda sound like a lamb. You've gotta work on your vibrato. It's a little out of control," (Kara, perceptively and correctly), "You came over a bit awkward and embarrassed," (Simon). Connick says he thought Casey sang it better in rehearsal, though he acknowledges that doesn't help him now. Ack, he just can't seem to string two really good performances together - and I wonder if, after that, he'll get another shot.

Crystal: Dressed in a floor-length black strapless gown, with her hair piled on head, the Ohio earth mother opted for "Summer Wind," for unexplained personal reasons (another message to the BF, perhaps?). "I still don't know why that song means something to her, but I want to hear it again," Connick complimented. It was, as she noted, a different style of singing for her - but I also think that she let that perception box her in, when really, she has more than enough talent to adapt to that or just about any other genre. If as thoroughly acoustic a dude as Kris Allen can make it through standards week, so can Crystal; while undoubtedly the most talented contestant this year, she has yet to pick anything really unexpected or surprising, and I keep hoping that one week she'll break through and do just that.

Though another subtle performance that probably wasn't her best, her rendition Tuesday qualifies as an actual interpretation of a song, unlike those that preceded it. Starting softly at the beginning, she could have articulated her words more strongly, but she then built nicely into more powerful notes. Ellen said she wanted her to loosen up more; Kara really liked it and was the only judge to point out Crystal's phrasing, which was far above what anyone else offered all night, even if the rest of the song was more tenuous. (Sinatra, Kara notes, was a master at that.) Simon labels it "a little bit indulgent," and says he isn't sure if he would have picked that song for her. "I expect better," he says, and indeed I think he's right - she has more in her, and needs to seize opportunities and choose the songs that serve her best, not just for sentimental reasons.

(After an interminable string of commercials, and a big yawn) Mike: Harry's skillful arrangement and keen advice to focus on just singing the song directly helped the brawn of the competition to one of his better performances with "The Way You Look Tonight," His vocals were fairly on-point, per usual, and his hammy, drama-king tendencies remained mostly in check, save in his appearance, which, well, let's just say consisted of a fedora and a three-piece suit that wouldn't have looked out of place in some kind of tommy gun-toting Al Capone Dinner Theater. Randy, in a typical display of overstatement, says Mike threw down the gauntlet tonight; Kara says he found the drama in the song; Simon says he listened to the advice and that it worked for him. But, ew, Mike then says this in response to a Seacrest question about how he felt about being onstage: "This is home up here." Dude, you're no Aaron, but don't make yourself too at home.

Lee: Season Nine's Little Engine that could, Lee just needs to keep chugging along to the mental drumbeat of "I think I can, I think I can" - so say the judges, especially, who reach for the "Lee: Confidence!" storyline with the same regularity that soap opera writers trot out amnesia. That is, it neatly fits into the narrative - of contestants growing and progressing and being on a (groan) "journey" - that's AI's stock in trade. Even so, taken as a whole, Lee's "That's Life" was the best of the night, as the judges also noted, due in no small part to Lee's added comfort on stage.

"I like Lee DeWyze a lot. My wife thinks he's cute," Harry noted, hilariously. "And after meeting him, I think he looks like a new and improved version of me." Connick's advice on interpretation appears to pay off, as Lee performs with a new degree of looseness and confidence, maintaining the distinctness of his voice without sacrificing the song. He did seem to be slightly overwhelmed by the arrangement (with Connick on organ!) and still could have used a little more conviction in his words, and his pitch issues haven't disappeared (take, for instance, the last note). But do not expect the judges to bring that up: "Lee, do you think you can win?" Kara asks. Because gosh darn it, she thinks he can, she thinks he can. Simon praises Connick, saying that Harry helped bring out Lee's personality and confidence, and crediting Lee with giving it "110 percent" and delivering "the best performance of the night." Well, yes, on that relative scale - but let's not get ahead of ourselves here, crediting a state shot put champion with winning the Olympics.

Who's leavin' tomorrow: It should probably be Aaron, but might be Casey instead. Either deserves it over any of the other three, given the wide gulf between their outings and those of Lee, Crystal and Mike; I personally would prefer another week of Casey, but it's unclear whether he has the popularity to carry him to it.

Shania night impresses, a touch

2010-04-27T23:56:00.000-04:00

With a discernible personality, brain and serious musical ability, Shania Twain is pretty much the complete package as a pop star. So, yeah, it was a fairly foregone conclusion that no one in this year's American Idol top six could live up to that standard, at least not yet, as they took a shot at an evening devoted to her songs. But oh, did they try - which is not a description that could have accurately applied to all performances in the show's previous weeks, I have to say (here's talking to you, Casey James).

The country-pop queen herself provided the mentoring. And, just as with her excellent stint as a guest judge at the Chicago auditions earlier this season, she proved refreshingly real (and goofy, and Canadian - that accent, eh?) - especially for someone who's spent a better part of the last decade living in quasi-seclusion in Switzerland. But, she's reemerging now, with plans for a show on Oprah's new TV network and, one must hope, a new album, eventually. "I feel responsible - they're all singing my songs!" she joked before the singing got underway. "I just didn't know what to expect from guys singing my songs," she cracked a few minutes later. "I was so disappointed I didn't hear 'Man! I Feel Like A Woman.'" Ha! Anyway, Siobhan and Crystal definitely tackled songs that only women could really pull off, but, more on that later.

Though Seacrest tried to imbue the proceedings with suspense at the top of the hour, intoning, "These six lives have been changed forever, but only one can take the title," I couldn't help but think, "And it's probably going to be Crystal!" (Even after tonight's semi-stumble.) And, dear me, he reminds us that we're only a month away from the finale? What an underwhelming season. But let us look on the bright side: At least, mercifully, Tim Urban is gone. Did we miss him? Hell to the no, people, hell to the no. To take a cue from Shania herself, man, I feel like - a beer? An ice cream sundae? A respite? On with the rundown:

Lee "We think he smiled": Shania, who first met Lee at his audition, advises him to slow down his guitar-strumming to let "You're Still The One" breathe, and start more slowly - which is sage counsel, because dude has a tendency to just barrel into a tune and soon after begin yelling the lyrics. Despite some seriously wonky notes at the beginning, this was a perfect choice - a really good song that holds up outside of Shania singing it, although NO, Randy, not "one of the greatest songs ever written." Lee uses it to showcase some sensitivity and a radio-ready sound, and possibly some smiling, although the judges couldn't reach a verdict on that front. "You were pulling some kinda weird faces," Simon observed. This also marked the first, but alas not the last, time that Ellen attempted to make a Shania Twain train-themed joke (get it, Twain, train) happen.

"Big Mike" (and, btw, can Seacrest stop calling him this already? It's quite obvious that he's a large man, and it's not like there's some other Mike in the finals we're trying to distinguish him from): Segueing into this performance, Seacrest promotes the upcoming Idol tour by noting that "Big Mike" will be there - which, to be honest, for me for you, dawg, is not really going to make me want to attend, because I'm afraid I am kind of over Mike. "It Only Hurts When I Cry" was, I think, a strong enough choice of song, and Shania advises him to connect emotionally and not take for granted that his skilled voice alone will be enough. Though the judges think he achieved that, with both Ellen and Simon likening the rendition to Luther Vandross, he didn't seem to bring much to it, to me. As usual, his singing is technically fine, but he doesn't convince me overall. Simon picked up on that vibe a bit, too, noting: "I thought the performance was a little bit wet, as if you were in a musical acting out the words." He may be in danger again tomorrow, I suspect.

Casey "taps into his inner crooner, next": In introduction, Casey says that he watched his previous performances and realized he didn't give anything new last week - and will therefore try to be different this week, after some frustratingly ordinary performances and his wake-up call appearance in the bottom two. Happily, he totally succeeds, although I don't quite understand how he didn't pick up on that sooner. "I think I'm more excited about this performance than I've been about any performance," he said. "It's a singing song." (YES, a singing song, in a SINGING COMPETITION. Maybe he can pick another one next week!) He chose "Don't," he said, "because it's amazingly beautiful," and indeed he makes it so, sitting behind the judges' table, playing only acoustic rhythm guitar and placing some much-needed focus on vocals. In every way, it's more than he's given in any previous week, except perhaps during Lennon/McCartney week's "Jealous Guy": More dynamics, more range, more emotion. Shania is enthused, the judges label it his best performance and Simon advises him to go give Shania a kiss, which he does. "We've got ourselves a competition!" proclaims Seacrest, in full-on hype man mode.

Crystal "takes on a Shania anthem": Well, kind of. I suspect Crystal would have kicked the stuffing out of "Man! I Feel Like A Woman," "I'm Gonna Getcha Good" or even "Forever and For Always," but instead she opts for an earlier Shania track - "No One Needs to Know." For a song with that title, though, she did a pretty good job sharing with millions of viewers the exact sentiment behind her choice: "Really, this song is a message to my boyfriend," she said. "I'm just dropping hints here or there. He'll man up one of these days." Translation, per Beyonce: Put a ring on it!
The laid-back, breezy, acoustic-inflected tune was probably her least savvy song selection of the season. The result was a lighter side of Crystal than we've seen, but a performance that did not surpass or transcend the original and was far from her best. Though certainly it's fine to, well, sound country on country night, there just wasn't much to dig into vocally, so instead she was left with some mumbly lyrical passages, trying to tell a story, and what Randy called "a Nickel Creek-style arrangement." The judges didn't exactly lavish praise upon her, but after weeks of Tim Urban, it's important to look at things on a relative basis: After weeks of excellence, she's earned a mulligan - past standouts, too, have had off weeks - is entitled to show a different side and ought to remain safe. If not, well, that'll show the judges for "saving Big Mike."
"It's kind of impossible for you not to be good," Kara says, but Simon comes right out: "Shocker - we don't like Crystal this week," he says, likening her to a bad singer at a coffeehouse and citing what he viewed as a lack of conviction - despite her stated connection to the lyrical content. "Lack of conviction? I don't think so, he's right there," she says, pointing to - yes - her boyfriend, who is a bit bashful and wearing a Crystal Bowersox-themed t-shirt. She then defends herself using the patented "I had fun" technique and by saying, "It's not as big as the other performances, but bigger isn't always better." She then proceeds to turn red, blushing.

"Seventeen-year-old Aaron Kelly": "You Got A Way" "suits him beautifully," Shania says. Well, yes: If any theme suited him, it'd be country-pop, which means this week delivers typical Aaron - a big ol' adult contemporary love ballad way outside his pay grade, featuring words like "dreams" and "believe." Per usual, his softer notes waver somewhat, but he then proceeds to compensate with a big finish. During the song, I was confused about who he was directing it to, but he makes that clear afterwards: It's for his mom, which made his decision to excise a reference to making love even wiser than it already seemed. The judges, for their part, were enthusiastic; "Tonight, you were like a different artist," Simon says, in the wake of several stumbling weeks. He calls the performance sincere, believable and the kind of record Aaron should make. Maybe, but it would never be the kind of record I'd willingly listen to.

Siobhan "takes on the record that was Shania's first number-one country hit, actually": That'd be "Any Man of Mine," and wow, is it a sassy mess, as indeed Siobhan herself often appears to be. On the plus side, it's the most energetic performance of the night, with the coolest arrangement, a kind of rockin' fiddle to-do. Shania says that the song is all about attitude, and the Glassblower provides that, too, starting the performance with promise, and an above-the-head, arm-wavin' hand clap. Quickly, though - at least to my ears - the song accelerates and Siobhan loses the plot a bit, semi-rushing through lyrics and losing her breath as she walks up and down the stage. Then, careeningly, she manages to rebottle lightning at the end, closing with a very un-Shania-like Siobhan Scream (TM). While not exactly what the song required, it did after several dreary weeks serve to remind people of Siobhan's appeal in the first place. The judges, hilariously, loved it. "Guess who's baaaack?" Kara said. "Siobhan!" Simon, more perceptively, liked it even though he isn't normally fond of country (which, to me, makes it even funnier that he was trying to get Katie Stevens to pursue the genre), but thought the end might have been a bit much: "It was almost as if you were giving birth up there." And with that, the night's labor was over.

When inspiration strikes...out

2010-04-21T00:06:00.001-04:00

For a theme intended to provide cheer, encouragement and that one last push we viewers all need to proceed on to greatness (and open our wallets for the "Idol Gives Back" telethon), American Idol's "Songs of Inspiration" night sure has a dispiritingly low musical success rate - ranking right up there with disco on the "Induces Grimaces" list, and inspiring more dread ("Not "I Believe I Can Fly" again!") than anything else. Sure enough, this year's version did little to damage that well-earned reputation.

Perhaps that's because, nine seasons in, the show has yet to fully comprehend that "inspiration" doesn't have to be so obvious - and that, in fact, it resides more in a powerful piece of art, well-executed, than in maudlin, cheesy, manufactured "uplift." But, sigh, I suppose that especially at this point, it'd be far too much to expect the Idol powers that be to hew to that standard in shaping a show. Situated in the "Idol" universe, then, it's up to individual contestants to determine their fates and pick the songs that say more than "A big diva first belted me out in the early 1990s!" Unsurprisingly, tonight demonstrated that that task is beyond the grasp of most of this year's remaining finalists, leaving a ratio that, while not 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, was probably more like "70 percent exasperation, and 30 percent Crystal and Lee."

Because the return of (yay!) "Glee" has forced "AI" into an hourlong time slot, tonight at least moved at a brisk clip, with none of that silly "Let us now introduce the judges by having them triumphantly walk down the stairs!" business. Alicia Keys served as a kind, wise mentor, providing a sprinkling of constructive comments (though, with the tight time frame, who knows if more fell to the cutting room floor), and for 50% more inspiration, Captain Sully of "Miracle on the Hudson" fame was in the audience, too, looking as upright and professional as ever, even in retirement. But enough of this prologue, and to the heart of the matter: Did the results inspire? Inspire people, that is, to do something other than turn off your TV and/or avoid watching "Idol Gives Back" tomorrow night (er, count me in the latter camp, by the way)? Read on:

Casey, "Don't Stop," Fleetwood Mac: Alicia Keys encourages Casey to connect with the song - familiar advice for this dude, by now, I've got to say - and says, "You don't want them to say, 'I love that song,' you want them to say, 'I love him.'" Well, I continue to like him, but love it still ain't after another consistent-but-not-very-memorable outing. Once more, the smiling Texan is in decent voice and fits in some decent guitar licks, but he doesn't use enough of the range he's shown ample signs of possessing, nor does he do much to the song. The result is about 50 percent bar cover band and 50 percent compelling, which works out to a big "So what?" That remains enough to cut it for now, but won't be all that much longer, one has to think. The judges, too, say they want more, and something special.
That being said: It completely rubbed me the wrong way to hear Simon criticize Casey's song choice, and that of at least one more later contestant (Mike), and possibly others, when he apparently picked it from a list the show's producers themselves provided. If you want contestants to sing better songs, perhaps offer better choices? Of course, as the next man up demonstrated, contestants don't have to be constrained by those predictable suggestions...

Lee, "The Boxer," Simon & Garfunkel: Dude deserves major points for an unorthodox song choice, which he says he heard in his parents' collection growing up. "Honestly, that song inspired me," Lee notes, in the midst of a fairly articulate explanation of his selection. (I know, right, a legitimate rationale for singing something? Where did THAT come from this season?!) Though he doesn't fully follow Keys' advice to not lose sight of what the song is about, under-enunciating the verses while devoting full power to the "la la" chorus, his voice again makes an impression, and the overall sense is that of a contestant who puts some thought into his choices. Ellen, I believe, calls it the best of night, which is kind of ridiculous and a slap in Casey's face, to boot, given that it's only the second performance; Simon agrees while acknowledging the silliness of that comparison, calling the rendition sincere and emotional.

Tim, "Better Days," Goo Goo Dolls: It took much longer than it should have for me to identify this song, so weak is Tim's voice compared to that of the Goos' Johnny Rzeznik. But then, Rzeznik sings with the kind of grit that conveys "I've lived enough to know what I'm singing about." In Tim's hands, the instrumentation remains relatively the same, but the words are pretty empty - more in tune than perhaps we would have expected weeks ago, and with a strong-enough finish, but still. Though I appreciate that he's now at least trying, the "A For Effort" train should have left the station long ago. "It just kinda laid there and sounded ok," lamented Randy, after slapping the "karaoke" label on the performance. Ellen, whose sense of food-related metaphor Tim apparently inspires like no other, compares him to a soup of the day - a soup that, this week, she didn't much like. (Last week it was tequila, so, uh, anyway...)

Aaron Kelly, "I Believe I Can Fly," by R. Kelly, no relation, as far as we know: Oh, of course this is a song Aaron has been singing since he was five years old - that is, for two-thirds of his brief and not-yet-adult life. He is 100 percent that kid belting it out at the school assembly while the rest of his classmates sit there, shooting glances. But wait! We later learn from Aaron that he indeed DID perform it at a school assembly, a preschool graduation ceremony. (Egads, nothing like THAT to make a person feel old!) Even so, why would he pick this song? He says he loves it, and we've learned by now that Aaron does not fear cliches, but does that lack of fear extend to Death Wish territory? At this point, an "emotional ballad" is Standard Operating Aaron - strong enough, a little bleaty at points, with big notes toward the end - but it all adds up to a big shrug of the shoulders. I mean, WHO wants to listen to that - one time, let alone again? Not Simon, if he'd heard it on the radio without knowing who Aaron was, he says. He also notes that knowing Aaron brought something to it, but there was far too much wrong here to withstand. Capt. Sully also has to endure this (although, who knows, maybe the theme resonates), probably stewing "Believe? Please, I KNOW I can fly!" the whole time.

Siobhan, "When You Believe," Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston: What do you get when an AI contestant tackles not one, but TWO singers the Idol judges always warn people not to touch (well, except during Mariah week, thankyouverymuch David Cook)? "When Divas Collide," starring a little-known pretender to the throne! But seriously, I'm still trying to determine what led Siobhan to pick perhaps the only song that features the exalted Mariah and Whitney together (and to wear that butterfly-covered dress, but, another subject there). Yes, technically, there wasn't much to argue with: She was in tune, using proper dynamics, with excellent vocal control and soft, sustained notes. But why? The judges wondered, too, with Kara (!) delivering the most perceptive feedback: Based on Siobhan's responses of late, she says, "I kinda feel like I'd want to hang out with you more than I'd want to buy your record, because I still don't know who you are." Siobhan, in what's becoming a habit, replies that she picked the song because she liked it ("The meaning of it is why I'm here now"), is glad to have chance to be there to sing it and didn't want to be scared off by who had first done it. But picking a song only because you like it is not enough in this context; you can also do that in your shower, but this is for an audience, to whom you're trying to convey a sense of who you are and what you want to be. That, on the other hand, didn't convey anything other than Very Good Local Talent Show Entrant. Where did Fierce Siobhan go, or did we just imagine her?

Mike, "Hero," Chad Kroeger (Nickelback lead singer) and Josey Scott (Saliva lead singer): Get ready to roll your eyes, because Seacrest introduces Mike by dropping this bit of trivia: In the years leading up to his AI stint, Mike compiled a playbook of about 200 songs he'd pick from if he ever made the show. And now, he has chosen a song from that book! Alas, it is a song involving Nickelback, so let's hope he really makes it his own; Alicia credits him for going outside his comfort zone, while Mike says, "I really want this song to take flight." (Couldn't he ask Sully for tips?) The performance reminded me of the things I like most and least about him, with the welcome presence of his guitar and vocals that are, as usual, pretty on-point, but also a strange sense of bombast and self-confidence that verges on inflated self-regard, and a song choice that doesn't ultimately seem to say a whole lot. "That didn't quite gel for me," Simon says.

Crystal, "People Get Ready," Curtis Mayfield/The Impressions: This civil rights-era anthem has already been covered repeatedly by numerous notables (U2, Eva Cassidy, even Keys herself) - and yet Crystal not only picked the song anyway, but, impressively, made none of that matter. The song choice in and of itself is to her credit and signals the higher level on which she's operating. She picked the song, she said, because she's grateful for everything in her life right now, and indeed her father was in the studio audience for the first time all season.
She followed through on that potential in her performance, using it to say something, musically and emotionally. Wearing a long black dress far fancier than her usual attire and using her mic stand from back home in Ohio, she performed for the first time sans instrument, and began a capella. Once the backup singers and fairly unhip arrangement chimed in, I wished she'd stayed that way, but she nonetheless delivered deeply felt vocals, tearing up at the end. Or, per Simon. "THAT was inspirational." And, as anyone with ears could tell, miles above anything that preceded it.
Added moment of Trademark Crystal Levity: When she reached for Seacrest's hanky and found it was taped together, prompting a shrug and a single, bemused word, "Hollywood."

Bonus song-selection guidance courtesy of this recap's special guest stars, my parents, who've been in town visiting and also took in last night's show:
My dad, on potential "inspirational" song choices: "An obvious one would be that one Bette Midler song."
Me, skeptically: "'Wind Beneath My Wings'?"
My dad: "Yeah, that one."
Me: "That'd be the one I wouldn't choose."

My mom, sitting on couch during a commercial break, beginning to sing: "When you walk through a storm..." Other lyrics follow.
Me: "Who sang that?"
My mom: "We sang it in Glee Club in high school."
(Further research indicates that, in fact, it's Rodgers & Hammerstein's "You'll Never Walk Alone," from "Carousel," a song covered by many more groups and singers than just my mom's high school glee club.)

Which contestant will Idol give back? Please, let it be Aaron, for committing the cardinal sin of "I Believe I Can Fly," although I'd be completely content with Tim leaving, too.

Elvis night brings a hunk o' burning...what?

2010-04-14T07:15:00.001-04:00

Book me a room at the Earache Hotel and send up a peanut butter-and-banana sandwich, stat, because I'm checking in to recover from a very strange night of "American Idol." In some ways, this one left me feeling much like a compass at the South Pole - spinning around confusedly ("All Shook Up", eh?), wondering which way was north: Ryan Seacrest was weirdly off! Tim Urban was genuinely kind of decent! And Adam Lambert was there, except not as a contestant, but as a mentor, the first former contestant to ever do so, because - as Seacrest indicated in one of the world's lamest segues ever - "Elvis was a great performer! And, speaking of great performers, here's one of the best we've ever had on our show! Why him? Why now? Well, coincidentally, he's also trying to promote his album, do a bit of image repair and give his career a boost after that seriously off-putting American Music Awards fiasco in November! Give it up for Adam Lambert!"

Then again, Lambert's presence also proved that some things haven't changed: The season eight runner-up remains remarkably articulate, self-effacing and accurate in his musical judgment, and he didn't hesitate to employ all of those traits in advising this season's crop of finalists. Frankly, most of them sorely needed the advice while tackling a theme that last appeared in season five. I must confess that, bizarrely, the only performance from that night I can remember without looking it up was Taylor Hicks singing "In The Ghetto." (Which, incidentally and fittingly, this season's corniest contestant - Mike Lynche, who, like Hicks, is also not without skills - performed tonight.)

Anyway, our remaining nine traveled to Las Vegas - where only half of them would even be old enough to drink, sigh - to tour an Elvis attraction and meet with Adam, whose hairstyle, at the very least, also paid some type of homage to the King. On one hand, it halfway bothered me that the show hadn't brought on somebody who'd actually claimed the "AI" title (which is, ostensibly, still the goal, right?) Kelly, Carrie or David Cook, anyone? Or that cool guy whose name the show's producers seem to have forgotten - you know, him, that guy from last year, Kris something? On the other hand, I am perfectly ok with any excuse to bring back the Lambert, flimsy as said excuse may be. Especially because, as usual, he was wise and correct. Take, for instance, this advice to the finalists: "I just told 'em they had to wake up a bit," he said. Oh, Adam, there you go, summing up the whole season so far.

With the cast of "Glee," most notably Sue Sylvester and Mr. Schue's fedora (oh, with him underneath it) sitting conspicuously behind the judges, the proceedings got underway, with Seacrest in his customary role as ringmaster. (By the way, did you KNOW that Glee was coming up next? If not, I have 20 helpful promos I can show you!) But whoa, was the man not a little harsh, a little amped up, a little intensely something tonight? I mean, maybe he was just overly caffeinated and enthused about the return of "Glee," but, holy awkward banter alert, the show wasn't yet five minutes old when he spluttered to Lambert - clearly in thrall to his special, secret glam powers - "My tongue is not nearly as talented as yours." The agony! To say nothing of his unusually aggressive "Whassups!", high fives and other gestures directed at the audience, his emphatically wrapping up a statement in front of an old lady in an aisle seat by emphatically proclaiming "That would SUCK!" and, sweet mother, the joke he cracked about - wait for it - his departed co-host Brian Dunkleman, a man whose name I'm not sure has been uttered on the show since he got the boot in the wake of season one. "Idol Gives Back," you see, is next week, and after mentioning that the star-studded portion of the entertainment would be broadcast from the Pasadena Civic Center, across town from the "AI" studios, Seacrest cracked, "I can announced that Brian Dunkleman will host that portion of the show." I sort of gasped, because he went there, and then laughed harder than I had all night - but seriously, the audience didn't seem to know what to do, prompting a sort of stunned silence, which Seacrest fairly rapidly recovered from by saying, "No, Queen Latifah will do that."

Extreme awkwardness aside, I think we can probably all agree that the rapid pace of the show represented about a 100 percent improvement over last week - although I surely can't be the only one wondering, "If we had nine contestants both this week and last, how come this week was half an hour shorter?" Oh, right, just another reason to be grateful for the return of "Glee." Anyway, to the performances!

Crystal "Broken Record In The Best Way Possible" Bowersox: Unsurprisingly, Adam loved Crystal, because she's talented, true to herself and can flat-out wail. That, interestingly, makes her the most like Adam of any of this year's contestants - not in looks or sound, obviously, but in that she's self-assured without being arrogant, and comfortable with herself and her musical identity without becoming complacent. Wielding a sparkly electric guitar and some very cool patterned pants I'm still attempting to figure out, she began her version of "Saved" with a tempo perched precariously on the edge of "too fast." Thank goodness, then, for the breakdown, which came about halfway through and gave her the chance to finish powerfully and soulfully, albeit with a few wobbly notes. "Thank you" (no, not "Thank you very much"), she said, finishing to huge applause. Randy compares her to Bonnie Raitt, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he's ripping off Kara's comment from last week, both Ellen and Randy preface their comments by saying they're going to sound like a broken record (um, how is that different from the norm?) and finally Kara offers specific praise, something she actually continues to provide all evening. Simon says she avoided being karaoke, something he presciently fears other contestants won't handle as skillfully. Ergo, Bower Power continues in full effect. But why the sad look when Seacrest is sending you out?

Andrew "I'm Basically Asking To Be Sent Home" Garcia: "What happens when Andrew rocks Elvis?" Seacrest asks, leading into the break. What happened was, he picked an uber-predictable song that's inextricably associated with Elvis - "Hound Dog" - and sang it with no guitar and basically no twist save for a sort-of jazzy arrangement. The result just served to emphasize that Andrew's middling vocals are far from Elvis-level, and came off as just kind of "Why?", unnecessary and lacking urgency. Ellen liked it, but Simon concluded, "I think all of your coolness has been sucked out of you." His stumbling interview with Seacrest, meanwhile, made clear how much more skilled at such things Adam is, among others. And Lambert, meanwhile, was unsparing in his remarks, while also getting in a possibly inadvertent dig at Andrew's early, perhaps only shining moment: "He just left me wanting more," Lambert said. "It was boring. I was bored. I'm going to be totally honest. I know I can be straight up with you." Straight up, did you say? Oh, nevermind. Andrew roared into this season with the promise of - and seemingly wanting to be - the Creative Song Rearranger guy, but weeks of competition have exposed his shortcomings. Adam or David Cook, he most definitely is not.

Tim "Yeah, Seacrest called me 'Turban'" Urban: Having toned down the perma-smiles in favor of an earnest, "I'm actually trying" vibe, Tim embarked on "Can't Help Falling In Love" with a tender, honest tone and pleasant guitar picking. In rehearsal, Adam praised him and sure enough, not even grading on (much of) a curve, his performance turned out fine, with a spare, acoustic-flavored arrangement. Tim, crucially, realized that he's never going to sing like Elvis (Andrew, take note), so he instead aimed for capturing the emotion of the song, working within the confines of his limited range, sitting, strumming, and even trying a little falsetto. Based on his cumulative record, the dude probably deserves to go home, but not on that based on that performance alone.

Lee "I'm A Happy Guy" DeWyze: Adam, astutely, notes that Lee doesn't have much facial expression going on during his performances, and advises him to work on it as he plays "A Little Less Conversation" with acoustic guitar, in the style of Incubus' "Drive." Though I'm not sure that it showed up all that much in the performance, Lee's confidence is surely growing, and he's increasingly at ease with on-stage banner. Though his vocals were a bit shouty and the tempo of the song a little too even for my taste, the rough-hewn tone of his voice continues to deliver, even if he isn't hitting every note precisely - and the arrangement was creditably modern and original. Afterwards, the judges offer praise that seemed slightly disproportionate to a performance that, while perfectly fine, wasn't exactly "Mad World": "Another great, amazing performance" (Randy), "You're engaging with the audience more" (Ellen), "An intensity I haven't seen from you" (Kara). Still, Simon was correct in saying it worked; Lee, endearingly, said, "Talking to Adam helped a lot."

Aaron "I Prefer to Drink Cider" Kelly: Dr. Lambert prescribed self-confidence for the young patient taking on "Blue Suede Shoes." But it clearly did not show in Aaron's pre-performance clip, in which he said, "I don't know that the song fits me. It's probably wrong in every possible way." This turned out to be the result of lyric about drinking liquor, which, yes, surely does not fit Aaron, but he sold himself a little short. Though like all of his performances, this one suffered from a lack of depth and connection, it was at least uptempo, and therefore a refreshing change from the samey ballads he's reached for almost every other week. It really only caught on when he entered a bluesy half-time section toward the end, though, and I question where he can realistically go from here. To that point, I suspect his Blue Suede Shoes might walk out the door tomorrow.

Siobhan "Winner of the Puffy Hair Contest" Magnus: "What happened when Siobhan and Lambert came face to face?" Seacrest teased. Um, the world exploded? Wait, no: The meeting was in fact awfully sweet. "I just wanted to say, it's great to meet you," The Glassblower told Adam, acknowledging the comparison between the two of them that some people had drawn, and noting that she was honored by it. He graciously complimented her, and also advised that she head in a less sleepy direction - which, indeed, was her problem last week. At first I thought "Suspicious Minds" was a fantastic choice - that is, until I heard the slow, retro arrangement kick in. I didn't think there was much way for her to recover until she headed into the breakdown, which I apparently liked much more than the judges - because it was a better, less tentative fit for her voice and gave her more to tear into. Frankly, I was surprised she was able to recover as much as she did.
If more girls were left, I'd say she might be in danger; because she's one of three remaining, I suspect she's probably safe, but she needs to recover the energy she brought to the stage early on (tonight, it looked like it had retreated to the edges of her white suit jacket, which featured scattered lightning bolts). Semi-hilariously, that plus a shortish white skirt nonetheless constituted a toned-down ensemble for her, and she also acquitted herself charmingly while telling Seacrest she did a report on Elvis in the sixth grade - crediting her parents, who, she says, raised her to have good taste - and admired his rags-to-riches tale. Also, regarding her retort to the judges? It struck me as a little bit of a cop-out, if an honest one: She said she isn't just one kind of singer and can't even label herself, and therefore, the judges shouldn't try to do so. Yet "label" and "musical identity" are not one and the same, and you need something to hang your hat on, as Adam's run and those of other successful Idols have demonstrated.

Mike "Don't Make Me Stop Doing Cartoonish Pre-Song Karate Chops" Lynche: "In The Ghetto" was a good if not particularly stunning choice for the big man the judges saved last week, and he sang it well - slowly, sensitively, with an acoustic sense. Even so, I'm wondering if he can win any more converts at this point - unlike with the other performances, this didn't give much to chew on either way, and I suspect that's what sent him to the bottom last week. The judges cut short their comments , saying they were running out of time, but couldn't they have just solved that by running one less "Glee" promo? Oh dear.

Katie "The Life Experience Driving My Performances Comes From 'AI'" Stevens: The 17-year-old says she has channeled her feelings about the judges' tug-of-war regarding her "identity" into this tune, "Baby, What Do You Want Me To Do?" Ha! Frankly, I think her black-and-blue outfit - see, she's tough! - could have used about 50 percent less chains per square inch, but, that aside, it was a smart, sassy-enough choice. Katie doesn't have a ton of natural stage presence or movement, but this was perhaps the most I've liked her singing. Ellen, inappropriately, calls it "A very horny song," (meaning, she says, "A lot of horns in it"), while Simon found it loud and a bit annoying. "Look, they liked it, so it doesn't matter what I think, right?" he says, gesturing to the other judges. Ha, nine seasons in, he clearly knows that's not how things work.

Casey "Even My Tempos Are Consistent" James: Adam recommends that "Fabio" vary his dynamics and create more of a narrative arc in his performance of "Lawdy Miss Clawdy" - which is excellent advice Casey then isn't exactly able to put into action. I suspect that's because the blues-tinged rock number was in Casey's wheelhouse, comfort zone, whatever you want to call it, which lapsed him back into his old self, instead of pushing beyond the norm, as he did last week. The song didn't really build anywhere, maintained a steady, driving tempo and then ended. That said, Casey did look looser and more confident on stage. Ellen praised his consistency, but Kara (rightfully) said that it fell short of brilliance, and she expects more. Simon notes that though the singing was fine, it was otherwise completely forgettable and a missed opportunity, particularly given how the theme meshed with Casey's style.

What's next? Forget about "Glee - out!" - it could be Aaron and Andrew leaving instead, although I'd consider returning about two-thirds of the night's performances to sender, so to speak.

"AI" meets the Beatles, and modest expectations

2010-04-07T00:54:00.001-04:00

Maybe it's just because it's much harder to complain about song selection on a night when "American Idol" contestants had the unparalleled John Lennon-Paul McCartney songbook to choose from - but not one of this year's top nine turned in a truly embarrassing performance on the latest "AI," despite a crop of finalists that has proven uneven at best.

Our show of shows last traveled to Beatles Land two years ago, during the early weeks of season seven - and while the more recent installment didn't contain a performance as memorable as, say, David Cook's "Eleanor Rigby," it also spared us any assaults on the senses a la Kristy Lee Cook's "Eight Days A Week." Though in one respect it seemed a little strange to venture back to that well so relatively soon, better John, Paul, Ringo and George than, say, another stab at Disco Week (then again, it's early, so we may yet see that too, shudder to think). Besides, you'd be hard-pressed to find a better-loved, more enduring collection of songs. Not only are Beatles tunes still meaningful and fresh after 40 years, but they largely lend themselves to adaptation, because their power resides in their melodies, not just on how John or Paul originally sang them (though, obviously, that helps).

Accordingly, even most of this year's occasionally-oblivious remaining finalists seemed appreciative of the theme and the embarrassment of songwriting riches at their disposal, receiving a jolly encouragement video from Sir Paul himself (mercifully, we did not have to watch him "mentor" Tim Urban). As Seacrest attempted once more to fill two hours of time, Randy said he expected big highs and big lows. But alas - and perhaps unsurprisingly - the Dawg was not correct: The evening delivered more of a pleasant enough medium, with a few standouts and plenty of praise for mediocrity thrown in long the way (calling halfway decent performers "artists" and whatnot). Unfortunately, I was also reminded that the prematurely dispatched Didi Benami, forced out of her bizarre lapse into torch-song mode, probably would have done the catalog more justice than some of the other surviving contestants, as would Lilly Scott - who in fact already did, with her endearingly quirky "Fixing A Hole" in the semifinal round. Still, if we didn't have that, we at least got to watch the top nine describe each other, which led to:

Aaron: His fellow Idols compared him to Star Wars sage Yoda, which was, um, interesting, but sedate, his take on "The Long and Winding Road" was. Like his choice last week, "Ain't No Sunshine," the 17-year-old again picked a song that required the sort of world-weariness he'd have a hard time conveying - I mean, really, what's a long and winding road to him? Though his vaguely country-twang tone was mostly intact, he waned a bit on the non-glory notes. "It felt like a long and winding song," Ellen said, while Aaron seemed on the brink of tears when Simon had the temerity to ask him why he picked that song. It was a legitimate question, and one he struggled to answer. On this front, Tim Urban outmaneuvered him; he could have easily picked a more teen-appropriate, jaunty track from the early Beatles years, but instead went with what Kara likened to "the same performance" he's been giving for weeks. Oh yeah, and he also used the word "journey" at least twice to describe his singing career thus far, such as it is. Oh, RealityTVSpeak, how quickly young'uns adopt you as their native language!

Katie: Getting the Teenage Portion of the evening out of the way, the Connecticut high-schooler continued her quest toward Maximum Annoyance, responding to a Seacrest question by saying that five guys have asked her to prom - boo-hoo - and she'll pick one to go with based on who's voted for her the most. Oh dear. She then states that she has chosen "Let It Be" because she's familiar with it, and she appreciates its message. Wearing a fluorescent pink dress and some questionable jewelry, she delivers relatively solid vocals, more in tune than in previous weeks, with help from an understated, non-cheesy backing arrangement. It's one of her better performances, but she did seem to be striving somewhat for a Big Moment that I'm not sure she has the emotional heft to pull off. Simon, for his part, considered it less robotic than previous weeks.

Andrew: Despite Simon knocking him as "boring" last week, Andrew's comrades in Idoldom described him as goofy, and he is indeed shown joking around. While far from a vocal revelation - his range is still rather limited - his acoustic-flavored "Can't Buy Me Love" was also a bit breezier and more energetic-in-a-good-way than the judges, particularly Simon (who described it as wedding-band-like) gave him credit for. The arrangement was a little too sped-up for my tastes, but the funk-influenced breakdown - I heard slap bass! - helped make up for that, at least in part.

Mike: Who, we learn, performed around Florida with his family as a boy, as part of a group called (really?!) "the Lynche Mob." Er, so, yeah. He takes on "Eleanor Rigby" with a whole string section onstage alongside him and turns it into an R&B jam of sorts - yep, it definitely won't be confused with David Cook's rendition. Though it wasn't particularly restrained, restraint isn't usually one of Mike's strong suits, and frankly, especially this season, it's good to see someone reaching and trying. Or, per Randy: "I'm not sure all of that worked, but the parts that did work were great." Simon felt it was too over-the-top and like a musical in a bad way, which Randy, in typically incoherent fashion, then tried to turn into a compliment by linking it to the popularity of "Glee." Also, Kara, for future reference, "commercial" is not necessarily the same thing as "relevant." (Hey, also, in the wake of the NCAA tournament, fun (or not-fun?) fact about Kara: She's a Duke graduate.)

Crystal: Her Ohio hometown has put up a sign reading "Home of Crystal Bowersox." The "AI" producers might want to consider doing the same on their studio doors - because MamaSox (as even her fellow contestants call her! "She's a mothering type of person," quoth Siobhan) again displayed an exceedingly excellent level of craftsmanship in her "Come Together." (And, for the record, was back to boots and jeans, after her foray into high heels last week.) Last performed on the show by season eight champ Kris Allen, the song itself was perhaps not the most inspired choice Crystal could have made, or her best performance - she would have brought more emotion to other songs, I think - but she certainly achieved the fun groove she was aiming for, and her effortlessly creative phrasing is undeniable. Simon praised her for, essentially, being self-aware and articulate, while Kara liked her "slinky, sexy, playful" Bonnie Raitt vibe. For reasons unknown, she also incorporated a didgeridoo player into her song, then joyfully draped her arm around him during the judges' feedback.

Tim: In the introduction package, the other contestants made fun of Tim's constant smiling: If teeth could actually sparkle, Siobhan noted, Tim's would. So, shockingly, he says he is going to sing a "fun Lennon-McCartney song" that will "put a smile on people's face, that I could sing with a smile." But for once, at least, this led to Tim and the audience "having fun" simultaneously. Tim's buoyancy worked in his favor as he performed "All My Loving" with an electric guitar: Wisely choosing from the early Beatles area, he picked a song he understood, and one that had a straightforward chipperness that suited him. Nor was his vocal even close to his previous lows. As "Idol" performances go, it doesn't exactly change the game, "Sgt. Pepper"-style, but it was far above average for a contestant who probably should have been booted weeks ago. Randy also grasped this, saying that because Tim is in his own category, he'll judge based on whether it was "a good Tim performance." That, ladies and gentlemen, is a burn - and one Tim politely absorbed. Simon, meanwhile, was kinder, calling the performance good, period, and noting that he was proud of the way Tim has handled himself amid the critical barrage.

Casey: After weeks of pleasant but largely unmemorable trips to the stage, Casey made a bid for something more with his version of John Lennon's solo track "Jealous Guy" - which, no lie, sounded to me like "Jello Sky" the first time Casey said it. Performing with an acoustic guitar let Casey focus more on his vocals and emotional connection, and both benefited from the extra attention. A non-hokey arrangement of an unexpected song, with cello accompaniment, added further ambiance, helping Casey truly meld with the music for arguably the first time in weeks, if ever in the season. Simon calls it the best of night because of the leap Casey took, which was kind of unfair to Crystal's consistency, but nonetheless, it was much better for him personally and certainly his best so far.

Siobhan: Dressed like the love child of Miss Havisham and Fred Astaire, with what looked like some white Dr. Martens boots thrown in, Siobhan says she chose "Across the Universe" because she connected with its meaning and didn't want the changes in her life to spoil her rapport with her family. I respect that; it was clear the song touched her. But "Across the Universe" is a sleepy song as it is, with little vocal range, and she arguably made it even drowsier, using a samey arrangement and performing seated. The effect was a bit like a high school talent show floating in space. Though better than her disastrous R&B week outing, this one never shifted into drive; I hope The Glassblower isn't fading, but if she survives this she'd do well to recapture some of her earlier mojo with a more energetic choice. Though I'm unsure if Wings songs were eligible, she would have totally ripped "Live and Let Die," and, returning to the Beatles, would have done a number on "A Day in the Life," too. Or, she could have told more of a story, at least, with something like "She's Leaving Home."

Lee: So he's doing a serviceable rendition of "Hey Jude" with an acoustic guitar when - wait, what? - a bagpiper in full regalia (bushy black hat, plaid kilt) comes strolling down the stairs behind him. At that point, I fully expected someone to jump out and exclaim, "Dude, you got punked!" Except no one did. Instead, the bagpiper kept descending, then walked up behind Lee and moved over to his side, playing along with the conclusion of the song while looking more than a little uncomfortable and sheepish. At the end, the bagpiper looked like he couldn't get out of there soon enough, but the judges, also in disbelief, called him back toward center stage. Simon, confused, asked Lee where the idea came from, and Lee confirmed that it was 100 percent his doing - with a smile that hints at his growing confidence (and, I don't know, a desire to one-up Crystal at the Random Wind Instrument game?). The panel agrees, rightly, that the pipes did not add much to the song except weirdness. Also, completely unrelated to the song - but beyond pointing out the surprise-to-probably-no-one fact that Lee lacks self-confidence in his performances, Lee's introduction package also wittily showcased his bromance with Andrew. This prompted Crystal to crack - as a clip of the guys high-fiving played within a heart-shaped camera frame - "I'm so glad that those two can be together and get married and have lots of little Danny Gokey babies." And she said she didn't watch the show before!

Extremely important viewing note: At long last, next week we will not have to witness Seacrest try to fill two hours of time - it appears the show will be an hour and a half long. Perhaps more importantly, that also makes way for the (long-delayed! much-awaited!) return of (!!!) Glee. Bring it on!

It's R&B night, emphasis on the blues

2010-03-31T00:43:00.006-04:00

R&B has dominated the pop charts for the last 20 years - but you'd be hard-pressed to tell that from watching this year's "American Idol" top 10 on what was supposedly "R&B and soul night." Instead, the mostly-dreary, ballad-heavy hour played more like "R&B Standards Primarily From Before Guest Mentor Usher Was Born, Minus Soul" or, alternately, "The R&B Favorites of Contestants' Parents Adolescence, or Maybe Even Childhood." Ugh: What in the name of Beyonce was going on? And, really, to place some of the blame where it should surely rest: Why are the show's producers seemingly so intent on giving young contestants a list of potential songs that skew heavily toward the musty? Not to knock the classics, but when you have R&B superstar Usher as your guest mentor and only two contestants - that's 20 percent - angling to become the Next Pop Star perform songs released in the last two decades, from the wave of music Usher has been a part of, something is off. Ok, yes, I get that the Idol powers that be might not look favorably on clearing, say, a raunchfest like Usher's "Love In This Club" for performance, but surely there's got to be a middle ground. R&B's pop prominence makes it a perfect fit for an "Idol" evening in theory, and the fact that it wasn't in practice is too bad.

Though in the introduction package Usher said that the contestants could help add to the story of R&B and soul, this group's contribution is looking like a footnote at best, based on most of what transpired. Unusually, the boys bested the girls; Usher, meanwhile, was a benevolent and rather benign presence. Seacrest, meanwhile, played the "We've got two hours, so how many ways can we stretch things out?" game, which included:

Interviewing Usher while wearing Usher-style sunglasses. (Not that I ordinarily take Seacrest seriously, but let me tell you, it was even less possible at that point.)
Allowing each judge to essentially critique Siobhan twice.
Those weird post-performance clips, which either showed a marginally triumphant contestant reflecting on the performance that just was (Here's a revelation: Andrew Garcia loves his mom!), or a dejected one glumly slumping back into the green room, toward the food table (Siobhan). Only Lee's, which showed genuine enthusiasm and a new confidence, was worth the few seconds it consumed.
Making a lame double-entendre-themed joke after Kara gave Casey actual constructive criticism.
Asking Usher what he thought of Mike's performance.
Egging Andrew's mom to come up and give Simon a piece of her mind, for calling Andrew "boring" and in need of more personality."

Right. And yet in a perfect example of "I laugh to keep from crying," the show STILL appeared to run long, by a couple of minutes. Anyway, before that happened, here's how it unfolded, in order of performance:

Siobhan: The glassblower has a silly grin plastered on her face when Usher greets the group. Then, in the mentoring session, she says, "I've been a big fan since I was 6 years old." Wait, Usher was already releasing music when she was 6 years old? Oh hell, I feel OLD. Anyway, he advises her to be sure her eccentric style of dress doesn't detract from the musical emotion she's trying to convey, a message she takes to heart by wearing arguably only one truly quirky piece of apparel - high-top sneaker boots (with, yes, a dress). She's singing Chaka Khan's "Through The Fire," which sounds potentially fierce in the mentoring clip, but falls very flat on the big stage. As Randy noted, it never caught on, as if she kept losing her grip as she grasped to pull herself up on a ledge. Pitch issues aside, it still would have been difficult for her to overcome the inexplicably elevator music-style arrangement - that's not Siobhan! - and the insertion of gratuitous big-note screaming. The judges are not kind; Siobhan, unused to the criticism, takes it a bit sullenly, then just kind of sadly. This is her worst by a long shot, but the judges take pains to stress that she's otherwise been good. The implicit and correct message there: Don't give her the boot. And so a long night is underway.

Casey: Casey is excited about the theme - "It's not gonna get any closer to blues than R&B," he says - and his choice of Sam and Dave's "Hold On, I'm Coming" proves ideal. Not only has the tune never been performed on "AI," it allows him to fit in some quality guitar playing that doesn't come off as unnecessary. Things seem to be going well enough from the start - he's up there grinning, at least - but just as I begin to wonder whether he's ever going to really be able to let himself go, about midway through he does, singing with the kind of urgency and emotion his previous performances have lacked. Though he's still a little stiff on stage, this marks the first time he's sufficiently connected with a song, and provides proof he may have more in him yet. Kara says she thinks he still has more range he hasn't shown; I agree.

Mike: Last week I wondered: Would we ever see Mike with his guitar again? Tonight answered that question. He's focused on R&B all season, so it was no surprise he felt in his element. But after weeks of borderline-corny overemoting, he made a savvy choice, taking a less expected path when he could readily have continued in the same vein: He brings back his acoustic guitar for a seated performance of India.Arie's "Ready For Love." Though the song is far from a barnburner and also, alas, brings out the dreaded Mechanically Swaying Crowd, Mike accomplishes his mission despite a little initial shakiness in the quieter passages. Simon says it's the first time since Hollywood weeks that he can take Mike seriously as an artist instead of a karaoke act, and though he still likely has a ways to go before even fully fitting that description, it at least restores his forward motion.

Didi: The minute I saw her onstage wearing a long, strapless, sparkly, dignified (*snore*) dress, I suspected - rightly - that Simon would call her out as "old-fashioned." "Didi, why?" I wondered, and kept wondering all the way through that incredibly blah, rushed arrangement of "What Becomes of the Brokenhearted" that did her no favors. Especially at first, Didi struck me as a musically aware contestant with the potential to pick songs well and perform them in a way that said, "I have something to say." I don't know what she was trying to say there - and though Seacrest pushed her on it, she declined to elaborate, leaving him to offer a cryptic explanation suggesting family or romantic tragedy, perhaps the death of a friend mentioned earlier in the season. "You've lost your way," Kara said. "I don't know who you are anymore...it leaves me puzzled." Simon compared her to "a singer murdering a song on one of those dancing shows." "I'm not an R&B singer," she replied. "I did what I could." Sorry, but that's a lame cop-out, because contestants have a chance to assert themselves through song selection and performance every week. Didi has a distinctive and not unpleasant voice, and I hope this doesn't wash her out for good, but she really earned her criticism, for once.

Tim: Can you conceive of a reason Tim Urban chose to sing Anita Baker's "Sweet Love"? Yeah, me neither, and I suspect he'd also be hard-pressed to tell you. At this point, his wimpy stage presence and painfully limited range are old (and unchanging) hat - like Sanjaya, but blander! - so he's just going to hang on as long as he can in chipper fashion, flashing a cat-that-swallowed-a-canary grin, laughing and bantering with the judges as they vainly try to come up with new adjectives to describe his utter inadequacy: Randy, using unexpectedly large words, labeled this particular outing "singing waiter" and "pedestrian." But Simon catches on, remarking, "I don't think it makes any difference at all what we say....Nobody cares, you'll be here next week, so well done." I'm hoping that's a sly way of making Tim's "fans" feel comfortable enough that he does, in fact, get voted out, but we'll see. To his credit, Tim takes the criticism in good humor and replies reasonably articulately; he's like a recreational go-kart driver who somehow found himself on the track at a NASCAR Cup race and is cruising along blissfully unaware, 60 laps behind, while other cars roar past him, jockeying for position.

Andrew: In tackling Chris Brown's "Forever," sitting on a stool, guitar in hand, Andrew managed to climb out of the pit he'd dug through weeks of subpar performances, back to sea level, and remind viewers why they might kinda, sorta have liked the dude's acoustic covers in the first place. Unlike most of the other contestants, he also picked a song recorded in recent memory. Though it still came off a bit lightweight, it was a vast improvement, so graded on that curve, he probably deserves to live another week.

Katie: Who emerges apparently wearing one of the bridesmaid dresses I tried on last weekend - wait, no, Katie's getup has shorts? It's a romper? Er, mystery solved, and moving on: Katie takes on Aretha Franklin's "Chain of Fools," and while not vocally offensive, she lacks the grit and, frankly, life experience to sell the song, especially what with lines like "For five whole years, I thought you were my man." What, since she was 12? It's more a pale imitation of a Kelly Clarkson performance - or, as Simon said, "all a little bit - what was what show called years ago, Star Search?" Tiresomely, Simon and Kara tussle once more about what "direction" Katie should head - Pop R&B? Country? Personally, I would say, "Back to high school, so you can figure out who you are" - and she replies by telling Seacrest that, Crystal-style, she will listen to herself going forward. Egads, Seacrest then makes a cow tipping joke.

Lee: By my clock, Lee went on at about 9:35 p.m. - and yet I must agree with what Ellen remarked afterward: "There you go! Now the night started." Lee's version of "Treat Her Like A Lady" was, I think, unique among the performances in that he managed to sound both modern and distinctive while still totally connecting with the music and in no way stripping it of its melody. Lee's earthy voice is well-suited for R&B/soul anyway, but he didn't coast on that alone. Instead, he mustered enough confidence to perform with a little bit more gleam in his eye, spring in his step and passion in his tone. The low-key, self-effacing Chicagoan emerged with a rock-influenced arrangement and the performance of the night - putting it all together when others fell far short. And for once, he looked comfortable on stage. Here's hoping that continues.

Crystal: Ah, here's Crystal, to deliver us from (musical) evil. Though her fashion constituted a departure from her usual earth-mother vibe - a stylish red dress and towering heels - her wry personality remained very much intact. I can't be the only one who caught that eye-roll when Seacrest said early on, "We're looking forward to your surprise." Ha. That surprise, by the way: She performed without her guitar for the first time, starting out at a piano instead, before standing up for the rest of "Midnight Train to Georgia." Though clearly more tentative at the keyboard than with a six-string in hand, she still felt the music in a confident, natural style far beyond most of the other contestants' capabilities. The judges applauded her for trying something different - which I also agree she needed to do, even if she sacrificed a little in the process. That said, Simon's advice to not change too much was also on point. Unlike just about everyone else this year, Crystal knows who she is, she's comfortable with that and it works awfully well.

Aaron: The show's resident teenage boy put in about 85 percent of a valiant effort on "Ain't No Sunshine," and while it wasn't terrible, let's face it - it's been done far better before, both by Kris Allen last year and by Christina Christian, way back in Season One. His vocals just couldn't quite take off, and he lacked the world-weariness needed to truly pull off the emotion. Even so, with the likes of Tim Urban still floating around, Aaron isn't not going anywhere - except on to the top nine.

PS: Actual thoughts that went through my head between performances last night, possibly to help me endure the long slog:

"Oh, small mercies, it's a Kris Allen Ford commercial!"
"Oh no, it's that kind-of-awkward Bo Bice Moe's commercial!"
"Could J.Lo's new movie possibly be more entertaining than what I've seen so far tonight?"
"Pepperoni is the new bacon, Subway? Wrong! Bacon is the once, current and future bacon!"
"Man, the Burger King king sure is creepy, especially in duplicate."
"Hey, watching 'Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel' would be worse than this!"

Billboard number ones...in boredom

2010-03-24T00:44:00.002-04:00

The "American Idol" Top 11 had the entire catalog (or, presumably, something close to it) of Billboard No. 1 hits at their fingertips - and so, naturally, they managed to turn it into night of song choices mostly questionable, boring or sometimes both. On one hand, you can argue it's a problem to give contestants a theme so broad it's essentially a non-theme, but on the other, it also says something about them if they can perform one of any number of hit pop songs stretching back decades and still turn up empty. (Or, alternately, in a scenario rarely seen tonight, they're smart enough to pick the right song from a lengthy list.)

Because this week's "mentor" was Miley Cyrus, the night also featured at least tepid attempts, at least initially, to justify that a 17-year-old was a fine choice to counsel the contestants. The prospect initially mortified me, but, then again, this is "American Idol," not "America's Next Top Violin Virtuoso," and she acquitted herself perfectly well - even better than some past "adult" candidates, something that I think I can credit more to her friendly, polite demeanor than the fact that this season has set the bar low on many fronts. We also had at least three contestants (Paige, Andrew, and to a lesser extent Didi) respond to harsh words from the judges with the mindless "I had fun! I did it for the fans!" excuse, which is insulting on at least two levels, because 1) That assumes you have fans and more importantly, 2) "The Fans" aren't some lowest-common-denominator blubbering mass of jelly-minded folks who don't care whether they're listening to, oh, an in-tune, interesting musical performance as long as they're "having fun." Dude, I have fun at karaoke, but that doesn't mean I deserve a record contract (and, really, if you've heard me at karaoke, you know this is true).

Anyway, in the words of Simon: "Tonight, for me, was not a good night, overall." He urged contestants to push themselves more, pick better songs and basically just be in it to win it, instead of along for the ride. Sounds good to me.

Breaking down the night:

Lee "My Favorite Pen" DeWyze (er, thanks for that description, Ellen): So he does something cool, venturing outside his new-rock mold by picking "The Letter," by the Box Tops (R.I.P., Alex Chilton, not that the judges or anyone mentioned that) - and then attempts to infuse it with personality by using an arrangement featuring a sort of Vegas-in-1976 horn section? A little weird (also weird: How his subdued demeanor returned in his post-song chat with Seacrest, after he did seem genuinely more energetic during the song), but not as bad as the judges made it out to be, especially compared with, well -

Paige: Has any AI contestant ever pulled off Phil Collins' "Against All Odds" in remotely respectable fashion? In fact, has any person other than Phil Collins ever done so? No. Did Paige break the cycle? No, just eardrums, with a seriously plodding, sub-dentist's waiting room rendition with more bum notes than talent night at a tone deafness support group. I don't know if this was the delayed effects of laryngitis taking a toll - although that doesn't explain the poor song choice - but to quote the eloquent Randy Jackson, "Yo, man, yo, wow, honestly...that was honestly terrible."

Tim: Look, this boded poorly from the moment Seacrest said "We'll be back with you live, when Tim takes on Queen, next!" But even if Zac Efron Lite spared us his version of, I don't know, "Fat Bottomed Girls," are you kidding me? This dude's voice has less depth than a cat's water dish, and his attempts to "work the stage" - doing a Springsteen-at-the-Super Bowl slide toward the camera, leaping into a semicircle of screaming girls - only underscored the futility of it all. The ombre-plaid backing graphic behind Tim during the performance brought more excitement to the stage than he did, and a "Look what I just did there!" beaming smile at the end won't change that. Randy, in ever-helpful fashion, points out that "AI" is supposed to be a singing competition, while Simon recommends singing lessons. You don't say!

Aaron "Middle-Aged Man Ballads Ahoy!" Kelly: In true "I'm Already There" fashion, Aaron sang "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing." He suffered from pitch problems, although to be fair, he was also suffering from both laryngitis and tonsillitis. That being said, his drawn-out "tiiiiiiime" was more bleating goat than big note. But, as Simon aptly observed, he's playing to his strengths and, crucially, actually trying (I know, amazing, someone actually trying in a GIANT TELEVISED SINGING COMPETITION), even if his song selections have skewed really old-fashioned for a 17-year-old. Also, let us note his awkward moments with Seacrest: First, when Seacrest's strategy to help keep the ailing Aaron from wasting his voice during the pre-song chat involved...Seacrest writing on a clipboard? And afterward, when he said, "All right, if you want to vote for David Archuleta here," as he patted Aaron on the back.

Crystal: I am not sure what Miley could possibly have taught Crystal, but let's move past that and make the thus-far obligatory response to Crystal's performance - it was, as usual, completely on a different plane. And not just because she was standing on that carpet from the mentoring room during "Me and Bobby McGee." It's impressive how much performance she packs into a relatively brief time, varying her dynamics (in this case, starting soft, finishing louder, all in strong voice), her tempo, her phrasing - compared to, say, Tim, whose "singing" drags on tiresomely. She promises "big plans" for next week, which suggests a temporary break from her guitar - what could this be? Is she going disco?

Mike: You and I, we've been on this journey with Mike - a journey of love. We were there when his pregnant wife was "dilated 8 centimeters" at the hospital, and we have continued down that path with him, through touching R&B-accented odes, like tonight's "When A Man Loves A Woman." Mike, you see, is a man who loves a woman - a woman in the audience! And he delivers a perfectly fine, soulful vocal to convey that point. But it doesn't go much beyond that, except when he sort of over-emotes - which is, I think, his pitfall. Go easy on the ham, dear fellow, and strive to avoid getting too smug.

Andrew: Continuing a two-week streak of reworking classic songs to denude them of grit and soul, he tackles "I Heard It Through The Grapevine." I'm confused why he'd choose this, of all songs, and so are the judges. In fact, "confused" is probably the word that best applies to Andrew as a whole right now - I continue to believe the guy has talent, but it's almost as if the AI experience and judging has so messed with his mind that he's now rudderless. He needs to recapture his sense of musical direction, but it may be too late: As Simon said, he's had enough time to sort himself out - so what gives? Where's the emotional connection?

Katie-bot: "The Dakota Fanning of American Idol" (thanks, Ellen) veered sharp, she veered flat, but in the end her "Big Girls Don't Cry" was certainly adequate, especially on a night like this. And she was wearing jaunty suspenders, instead of a "pageant horror outfit" (thanks, Simon). Props, too, for being the only contestant to attempt a song released since the mid-1980s (aside from Aaron, whose Diane Warren-penned movie-soundtrack ballad came out in 1998, but might as well have emerged from the Reagan era).

Casey: I wondered going in what a guy who's my age (a wizened 27) could learn from Miley, and Casey hilariously defused that by introducing himself by telling her, "I'm a big fan of your - dad's." But if he's going to pick tunes like Huey Lewis and the News' "The Power of Love" in 2010, maybe he should have asked her for some song-selection advice, because, whoa, that is bar band city, especially the way he performed it. (Sorry, Kara, he was ok, but I didn't hear "it" either, unless "it" was what Simon described as "an '8os cover band.") And despite promising more "performance" around the big stage, Casey's on-stage movement consisted of a brief walk from over by the other guitar player to the mic stand. Casey should have more in him, but he doesn't seem bothered enough to up his game, or at least hasn't so far. Then again, maybe he feels he doesn't need to? But that's depressing, too.

Didi: At first I liked her "You're No Good," thinking it showcased the steeliness beneath her cutesy exterior, with a kind of Regina Spektor vibe. But I also noticed the judges' point about it coming off more as a theatrical role than a pop music connection. Plus, you're just tempting Idol fate, singing a song that requires repeated use of the phrase "You're no good." Still: She was nowhere near as woeful as the judges made her out to be, at least to my ears, and it seemed they treated her with undue harshness, especially considering some of the other performances of the evening.

Siobahn: I was getting a little antsy, waiting nearly two hours for the producers to give us our weekly dose of the trippy Siobhan Show, and she did not disappoint on the spaciness front, delivering lines like "I'll admit I've rocked out to a bit of Miley Cyrus" and "I think it's wicked cool that she said that my voice has swagger" in her bemused-languid-monotone. And plus, the giant glasses/acid-washed jeans/pink Members Only-type jacket combo she sported in the mentoring clip was truly in a league of its own. Her "Superstition," though, wasn't quite up to her usual standards, mixing occasional shrillness with fine notes and finishing with the type of scream and wailing she may want to dole out more sparingly going forward, so as not to just end up relying on it every week. Partially, the problem lay with song choice - "Superstition" is another tune that it's tough for anyone else to succeed with, and indeed no one ever has on "AI." Also, can we at least mention her poufy-curly on top, slicked-back on the sides hairdo? It was a mullet, it wasn't a mullet, and yet it was totally Siobhan. Say this much, though - my interest in what she'll do next extends beyond her hairstyle.

"Idol" season nine got you down? History is on your side!

2010-03-22T21:56:00.004-04:00

So you've been watching the ninth season of "American Idol" with intensifying dread, wondering, "Er, is it just me, or is this really underwhelming?" Though in part it's probably the inevitable hangover from the highly awesome season eight, no, it's not just you - and indeed, if you've been watching the show a long time, it should even look familiar: "Idol's" most entertaining seasons have traditionally been followed by clunkers, the ranks of which will include AI9 if the every-third-season pattern holds. (See graphic above, rating seasons on the new and exciting "Cowell-Seacrest-Dunkleman" scale - click to see at full size.)

Understand that by "entertaining," I mean, how entertaining a season was for viewers - a factor that history has shown to be totally unrelated to what the winners (and runners-up) go on to do afterward. Instead, the key factors are: Are there a lot of talented people? Abundant personality? Competition and suspense (i.e., the winner wasn't a foregone conclusion early on)? You'll also note that the judges play little, if any, role in that - as much as they'd love to believe they're the center of the show's universe, their words and presence mean little compared to the quality of the contestants, with arguably only Simon indispensable to the formula. At heart, Good Contestants = Good Season, while a lackluster crop can spell doom (or at least weeks of crashing boredom). With that in mind, read on for an (admittedly subjective, but still!) explanation of the rankings, season by season, from best to worst:

Season Eight (2009): The best combination of talent, personality, cool and relevant musical styles, song-selection savvy, with performances I would actually pay to listen to - in fact, DID pay to listen to, both via iTunes and in person - and contestants that compelled me to actually vote, after seven seasons of avoiding doing just that. The top 10 had depth, variety and arguably the show's strongest-ever top four: Adam Lambert, Kris Allen, Allison Iraheta and, yes, even Danny Gokey (despite his lack of pop music knowledge and terrifying "Scream On" - um, "Dream On.") I was skeptical I'd even watch AI8, fearing that the show was limping toward an ignominious end, but I'm glad I did. Iraheta was one of the strongest, most distinctive female voices ever on the show, Lambert raised "AI" performance standards to a new high. Of course, if only I'd consulted Idol history beforehand, I would've had a better idea of what awaited.

Season Five (2006): This year overflowed with diverse on-screen talent, and the music industry apparently agreed: At least seven of the top 10 went on to make albums, spanning R&B, pop, soul, rock and country. But AI5 also benefited from engaging personal stories, including those of Elliott Yamin, Kellie Pickler and Chris Daughtry. Though eventual winner Taylor Hicks is now maligned as a flop, he won for a reason: He was a strong, smart contestant, melding uptempo fun with more serious numbers, and his aw-shucks demeanor also garnered votes (even as his "Soul Patrol" repelled others). Even so, his victory over Kat McPhee wasn't a a lock, and have we mentioned the insane finale that featured Prince? (Four years later, the memory is still mind-blowing.) Anyway, about that outcome: Chris Daughtry's not doing too poorly for himself these days anyway, is he?

Season Two (2003): Season One HAD to be successful, or else the show wouldn't have lived to see another season. But Idol's second go-round - and the first in the now-traditional January-May timeframe - cemented the show's status as a cultural juggernaut. It had a higher level of talent than the previous year, a stellar top three (Kimberly Locke, Clay Aiken, Ruben Studdard) and a nail-biting finish. It also brought out the best in the judges in a way that hasn't really been seen since, frankly. Gawky, geeky Aiken's rise wrote the book on how the show can transform its contestants, and demonstrated that runners-up can succeed, too - while also proving "AI" could showcase the kind of soaring, old-fashioned male vocals not found on contemporary radio and pop charts.

Season Seven (2008): This gains points for eventual winner David Cook, the quintessential underdog who prevailed by treating the season as a setlist, taking advantage of every performance as if it were his last, with strong singing and inventive song rearrangements. His impact on the show continues to ripple. But it loses points due to Syesha Mercado's inexplicable persistence in the competition and the judges' (especially Simon's) nauseating, persistent hyping of favorite and runner-up David Archuleta - who was, I think, weighed down by early expectations and the understandable emotional, musical and intellectual limitations of being a talented yet sheltered 17-year-old. Still, they were a deserving top two, and the season also boasted other quirky, acoustic-oriented talents such as Jason Castro and Brooke White, the likes of which hadn't been seen before on the "Idol" stage. Other finalists, such as Carly Smithson and Michael Johns, proved alternately awesome (powerful pipes) and frustrating (they too often couldn't connect with their songs, or the audience).

TIED: Season Four (2005): The definition of a solid season, with the excellent top two of Bo Bice and Carrie Underwood, who were both responsible for (yes, Simon) "moments" that still stand out in the "Idol" ranks: Bo's a capella "In A Dream" and Carrie's "Alone." Third place went to sunny postal worker Vonzell Solomon, and this was also the year of Constantine Maroulis, the aspiring rocker with long, greasy hair and a sort of slithery semi-appeal who later found his rightful place starring in a Broadway musical about '80s hair metal. This season's top 10 gets a lot less memorable after that.
and Season One (2002): Because it started everything, proving the formula not only works, but makes great TV. And, because it rather remarkably redeemed itself despite an uneven-at-best, weak-at-worst crop of finalists, thanks to the original-and-still-the-best winner, Kelly Clarkson. Looking back on it now, it was also charmingly low-key and noncommercial, in a small studio, with the limited-time-only hosting team of Seacrest 'n' Dunkleman, a relatively coherent Paula Abdul, and without a gazillion commercial tie-ins.

Season Six (2007): Ugh. A chore to watch, with strange theme weeks, an overabundance of "guest mentors" and the difficult-to-endure likes of Haley Scarnato and Sanjaya, who survived far past where talent alone should have taken them. Although the victor was pretty clear going into the anticlimactic non-showdown of a finale, Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis were not an unworthy top two. And Blake's song rearrangements helped set the stage for David Cook the next year, so it wasn't a total wash, unlike...

Season Three (2004): Which is the worst because it suffered from a dearth of talent, heavy pimping from the judges (Simon could not shut up about how he wanted Fantasia to win, which quickly became tiresome), an unsuspenseful top two and basically no viable guys in the top 12. Some of the performances from that year were so bad they still stand out, even seven years later (!) - the likes of John Stevens tackling Latin night comes to mind, particularly. Oh yeah, and FUTURE OSCAR WINNER Jennifer Hudson was voted out midway through the finals after an AMAZING performance. Game, set, match.

Anyway, hey, speaking of Season Three, does the above description remind you, even faintly, of any other season? Yeah, I thought so. Here's hoping for better, somehow, despite the presence of, say, Tim Urban...

You can't always get what you want (in this year's top 12)

2010-03-17T00:23:00.004-04:00

Hey, the "American Idol" finals are back - and this blog sort of is, though in a slightly less rambling (er, less comprehensive), more condensed form than in years past, due primarily to time and other constraints. I'm writing for fun, not on a strict schedule, with the hope of posting occasional thoughts on the Season That Is, bringing back a little of the digital-watercooler spirit and, of course, talking about The Most Important Show In The Known World, the ratings behemoth, the unslayable-but-likely-on-its-last-legs beast. So if you're reading, thanks, and welcome, too! Without further ado:

The Top 12 tackled the Rolling Stones tonight, and while not the total disaster it perhaps could have been - I'd say I liked about 25 percent of the performances, maybe? and several others were at least acceptable - this year's group kicked things off by sidling up to a low bar, rather than by taking flying leaps forward. Crystal and Siobhan were, unsurprisingly, the class of the evening, while "Big Mike" slathered a bunch of cheese all over "Miss You" (dude, tone down the on-stage gesticulating, which I guess you're confusing with "performing") (and, while I'm at it, why am I falling prey to calling him that nickname? Except he is big! And it rolls off the tongue so much easier than "Michael Lynche"! So, whatever...). And this also happened:

"Wild Horses," please feel free to drag Katie Stevens away. And also - bonus geography lesson, Katie! - Connecticut is already on the map, has been for about 400 years and definitely did not need your pageant-bot vocals to get there. (Of course, in her defense, the judges put her through to the semifinals presumably knowing she was a 16-year-old with a decent voice, but limited life experience and musical savvy - as they do with at least one person just about every year - and then griped about how she can't connect with songs. In season nine, how is this a surprise? For every David Archuleta, Allison Iraheta or Jordin Sparks, meet Jasmine Murray and Lisa Tucker!)

Unspoken, but possibly implied, after Seacrest way-too-cheerily said, "Coming up next, Tim Urban fans, you get your fix!": "Everyone else, you can now take your extended bathroom break."

Hey, speaking of "Tim Urban" and "fix," I'm pretty sure that flat-out turning off the TV was about the only thing that could have fixed the aural atrocity that guy unleashed tonight - because, seriously, "Under My Thumb" is not a happy, semi-calypso-reggaefied sub-Jason Mraz acoustic ditty. It. Just. Isn't. This was song sacrilege on the scale of Kristy Lee Cook's country-fried-on-meth "take" on the Beatles' "Eight Days A Week" during season seven. (Or, per Simon: "I think it was a crazy decision.")

Back in the land of musical merit, Siobhan totally employed the Adam Lambert Memorial Glowing Red Stairs of drama 'n' doom, convincingly brought a sense of both, then did the man himself proud with a massive scream on "Paint It Black." Yes.

The judges may have weeks of conflicting "advice" to their credit thus far this season, but Simon sure provided sage words for Lee, who has a strong, gritty voice but didn't go nearly far enough to infuse "Beast of Burden" with the longing, desperation and edge it needs. In fact, nearly all of the contestants failed to bring that feeling to songs that innately possess it, with Didi's "Play With Fire" a notable exception. I was expecting it from Crystal - and while I enjoyed her "You Can't Always Get What You Want," I suspect she could have brought more depth and intensity to harder-driving tracks like "Gimme Shelter," which was instead mostly wasted on Andrew, alas.

Who knew Paige was from Florida? In fact, who knew much of anything about Paige? And Ellen, Paige - with either forgettable or memorably bad moments on her resume thus far - has "star quality"? Who knew that, either, especially after her fairly unconvincing*, gender-switched**, first-person version of "Honky Tonk Woman"? Granted, there was the whole laryngitis factor in play, and she seems pleasant, but...

Um, did I see that right, or is Aaron's mom named "Kelly Kelly"? Really???

Wouldn't it have been hilarious if, in response to Kara's pleas for a more age-appropriate song choice, Aaron would've picked, oh, I don't know, "Satisfaction"? Hey, he's a teenage guy!

However, no one selected that Stones standard - because, let's face it, it has already been done.

*As in, she didn't quite seem to understand lines like, "He blew my nose and then he blew my mind."

**Yes, true, Tina Turner did this before. Paige, alas, is no Tina Turner.

"Idol" wave hits Charlotte

2009-08-02T16:33:00.020-04:00

Thanks to post-lame-season burnout and Legitimate Work Reasons, this blog has been on hiatus since the end of the sixth season of "American Idol." But I never stopped watching the show, and thought the eighth and most recent season was one of the best. So when the "American Idols Live" tour stopped in Charlotte this weekend, I was eager for the opportunity to sit down with some of this year's finalists - and bring back "Idol Thoughts" for a special "We Actually Talked To Some Contestants" edition.

We met for a press session a few hours before Saturday's concert at Time Warner Cable Arena, gathering in the Back Court, a subterranean, restaurant-like room used for special functions. As weird yellow light filtered in from above and noise from an ongoing sound check/apparent strobe light testing occasionally intruded, we chatted with six of the season's top 10: Winner Kris Allen, third-place finisher Danny Gokey, fifth-place finisher Matt Giraud, sixth-place finisher (and N.C. native) Anoop Desai, seventh-place finisher Lil Rounds and ninth-place finisher Megan Joy. On the way out, we also passed Michael Sarver (wearing, semi-hilariously, the same "Idols 09" black-and-white track jacket on sale at the merchandise table) and Scott MacIntyre (accompanied by his brother), as they arrived for a meet-and-greet with fans.

This meant that the only two I neither interviewed nor saw up close were Adam and Allison - my two favorites. Sigh: So close, and yet...not happening. I could say I can at least take comfort in the fact that I didn't throw my professional dignity out the window in an Adam frenzy, but frankly, I'd rather have had the chance to discard said dignity for that cause.

ANYWAY: We've posted a few of the best bits from the interviews that did take place here; below, I've written up some morsels that didn't make the video cut and embedded YouTube links to bonus clips from the session. In person, the contestants were all very cool, even those who sometimes proved frustrating on the show. They were relaxed, friendly and pretty self-aware and down-to-earth, and it struck me that they largely came across better as distinct, genuine individuals outside of the televised "Idol" box. Something to think about, I guess, as you watch the show in the future...

Kris: After arriving in Charlotte at 4 a.m. Saturday, he woke up around 10, walked around the hotel - and discovered it had a YMCA inside it. ("The Y is big in Charlotte," I explained.) So, he worked out. After the tour ends, he says, he's planning on going to Los Angeles to finish his album and will then set out to promote it. "I'm having the time of my life, seriously - no David Cook puns there," he cracked. I also asked how they amuse themselves during long hours on the road. Said Kris: "We've never had a problem with that. Matt keeps us pretty amused all the time, and me and Anoop, we pretty much sit there laughing at everyone else. It's pretty fun." Oh, and they watch a lot of "Family Guy" on the bus.

Here's Kris talking about working on an album while on tour:

And Kris explaining why his visit to Coca-Cola headquarters was a little disappointing:

Danny: He was glad to have had a frozen custard flavor named after him in his hometown of Milwaukee, and recalls getting handed "a huge tub of ice cream - like, my favorite ice cream, butter pecan." Not sure if that's all gone now, but from the way he talked about it, I'd guess yes. He performs two Rascal Flatts songs on tour, and I mentioned that the band was also playing Charlotte Saturday night. As it turns out, their paths had crossed before: Danny ran into the guitar player and his wife at the airport in Nashville, where they were on the same flight, and they chatted then.

Here he is talking about his experience as a truck driver, and how that's shaped who he is today:

Matt: On tour, he said, he feels like he's performing better than on television, and he feels like he can be himself and connect with the audience more. He's looking forward to what he considers his two hometown shows, in Detroit and Grand Rapids, Mich. And as for how he spends his rare days off: He and the others will try to slip back out into the public, and can usually go unrecognized alone or with just one other Idol. But in a group, that doesn't work quite as well. For example: He, Kris, Danny and Michael walked to the mall the other day. "That was just a bad idea," he joked.

Here's Matt talking about what it's like to be on tour in a group where some have record deals and others don't:

Anoop: He believes his experience in the Clef Hangers a cappella group at UNC Chapel Hill was good preparation for the "Idol" stage. And no, don't ask him if he's going to finish his education: He graduated two years ago and is putting aside his master's studies to devote himself to pursuing a music career. He has his education; now, he says, he's pursuing his dream. He's aiming to make melodic pop R&B: "I'm not going to be Usher; I'm not going to be T-Pain," he noted. And about that celestial background that he entered to early in the tour? "We cut most of that, because it was terrible," he said. "I saw that the day of the first concert, and I was like, 'You've got to be kidding me. That's the corniest thing I've ever seen in my life.'...I would've laughed at me."

Here's Anoop discussing that all-important North Carolina subject, barbecue:

Lil: Bet ya didn't know - Lil's husband was in the audience Saturday in Charlotte. In fact, he was in the audience - if it could be called that - during the interview, too. "He's sitting right over there," she said. Sure enough, he was at a table just across the room. Her children will join her in New York City, she said. Also, having passed a sign in the hall labeled "American Idols Live massage room," we had to ask: Is this for real? "It's real, because we can get really, really stressed," Lil said. "We are in a different city probably every day." They also can get someone to do their nails, too, she said. That aside, they also kick back by trying to go to dinner together, if possible; a bunch of Idols also went to see "Bruno" the other day. "Me and the girls, boy, we were gone," she said. "That movie is crazy, it is crazy - but it's so funny. We were screaming laughing."

Here's Lil talking about her old job as a bill collector:

Megan: She's been listening to a lot of hip-hop lately and has found that writing in rhymes helps her - then, she'll try singing it. This is not at all out of character, as it turns out, because during Saturday's concert she burst out with a surprisingly cool and distinctive little rap during the pre-intermission performance of "Beggin'." She also likes what she calls "screaming music" - groups like Cradle of Filth (!) and the Used - although she's fully aware that isn't preferred listening among "AI" concert attendees, who are largely middle-aged women and their husbands and families. But, she stressed, she appreciates the fans of the show.

Check out how dramatically Megan's life has changed in the last year, then listen to her thoughts on the shiny hot-pink outfit she wears during her tour set:

No surprises

2007-05-23T22:32:00.000-04:00

As the season goes, so goes the finale - or at least, that's the conclusion I reached after watching Wednesday's two-hour and ten-minute sendoff to "American Idol" Six, which ended with Jordin Sparks beating out beatboxin' Blake Lewis for the "Idol" crown, to the surprise of pretty much no one. Their Tuesday showdown drew 74 million votes, so clearly someone cared about the outcome - and the results show leading up to the big announcement was entertaining enough, offering more humor and high spirits than most the rest of the season's results programs. After Seacrest cracked open the envelope, confetti and tears fell, and everyone cheered, and 17-year-old Arizonan Sparks - the youngest "AI" winner yet - performed the "Idol" single in typically excellent, powerful voice. And yet the evening is already fading from my memory, making it both an extremely fitting metaphor for Season Six as a whole, and a far cry from last year's schizophrenic finale spectacular.

Now, granted, it's hard to compare anything on television with last year's finale, which was so off-the-wall it deserves its own category. (Hello, it made David Hasselhoff cry!) But all the same, it proved an "Idol" conclusion doesn't have to be suspenseful to be memorable: Even if it was clear Taylor Hicks would emerge victorious, the rest of the show was wacky enough to be entertaining through and through, full of bits about the contestants themselves. In short, it was, appropriately, a celebration of the season that was. (Also, it featured Prince. I mean, just with that alone, you've got a spectacle that's pretty hard to top. But I digress.)

On Wednesday's show, the contestants - the show's reason for being - often seemed like accessories when they should have been the main act. Even the visiting previous years' Idols got at least as much time to shine. "When we come back, your top 12," Seacrest said early in the show. "Your favorites are back with more than a few surprises." Surprises? What could they be, I wondered. Would Chris Sligh sport straight hair? Would Chris Richardson start singing in a rich baritone? Would Sanjaya take the stage wearing a dress? Oh, but no - the surprise (though likely not one Seacrest was referring to) was, in fact, how forgettable so many of the Final 12 turned out to be. Seeing the finalists take the stage reminded me of how the days of, say, Stephanie Edwards seemed eons ago. As easy as it would be to heap scorn on the contestants, though, I don't think they were really responsible for that problem - after all, we never got to know them in the first place, and that's the producers' fault.

But then, why tell us a bit more about the top 12, or reminisce about their "journeys," or pair more of them with an established artist when you can just pack the show with random performances by other singers? Not that all of these were bad Wednesday - I'm definitely not going to gripe about watching Tony Bennett deliver "For Once In My Life," with spare piano, bass and percussion accompaniment, and unexpectedly big notes at the end. Pure class.

But what purpose did such intrusions really serve? Just a few minutes in, Seacrest cut to the season's least enthusiastic guest coach, Gwen Stefani, performing her new single "4 In The Morning" from the road (seriously, did she, agree to be a coach if they agreed to show her on the finale? some sort of deal must have been cut here). The song's excellent, but if I wanted to hear it, I'd go to the concert or download it. Same with Green Day (whose former punk selves, I've got to believe, would have been at least slightly more hesitant about appearing on the most mainstream of TV programs). The African Children's Choir, meanwhile, was adorable, but did we need another reminder of "Idol Gives Back"? At least Bette Midler sang "Wind Beneath My Wings," one of those big, uplifting ballads that are readily at home in "Idol" land.

That said, the show offered glimmers of the "Idol" charm that's wooed viewers over the years. Blake and Jordin's duet to the Beatles' "I Saw Her Standing There," at the very beginning of the night, is what "American Idol" is all about - two fresh-faced young people cheerfully singing a classic tune. I thought the Top Six guys also harmonized rather beautifully, wearing white suits and singing with Smokey Robinson. The Top Six girls' performance with Gladys Knight wasn't quite as seamless or as interesting, but also went off decently.

As is perhaps in keeping with his personality, Blake's majorly energetic beatbox session with veteran rapper Doug E. Fresh was definitely one of the strangest, least melodic and yet still successful performances in "Idol" history, and Jordin's duet with Ruben Studdard showcased her rich voice. It didn't take long for Melinda to return to her gospel roots, as she sang with BeBe and CeCe Winans. And, well, what can a sane person - a category I sure hope I fall into - really say about Sanjaya performing "You Really Got Me," with Aerosmith's Joe Perry on guitar (the kid's not exactly Steven Tyler, eh, Joe)? Do you mention the wind machine blowing hair? The rock-god pose at the end, when he flung out his arms? Or do you just smile a little and shake your head? I'll leave it up to you, but add - what does it say about this season that only Melinda, Blake, Jordin and Sanjaya got to perform separately?

In winning, Jordin joins a franchise that's already become strangely self-perpetuating - as we saw on Wednesday's show, which featured performances from four of the five previous "Idol" winners. Kelly Clarkson - who was waaaay perkier the last time she strode the "Idol" stage - performed her hard-edged current single, "Never Again," in fine blues-rock voice. Carrie Underwood reprised her rather lifeless cover of "I'll Stand By You," making Wednesday the third time this season someone on "Idol" has performed the song. (I must say, I preferred Gina Glocksen's version, which possessed an urgency Carrie's lacked.) And then, later in the show, out onto the stage popped Taylor Hicks, who captured the crown on that very stage the year before. Unlike Carrie and Kelly, who received glowing introductions that detailed their many accomplishments, Taylor just sort of arrived, performing his current single, "Heaven Knows," with the same strong voice and soul influences that helped him win last year - but haven't helped him much as far as sales are concerned. Not that he appeared terribly bothered by that as he shimmied and twirled and leapt around in typically entertaining Taylor fashion, and then whipped out a harmonica. I was sure glad to see the gray-haired dude, but unlike last year, the crowd didn't really seem to be terribly into him, and he also left the stage with fairly minimal fanfare.

As the night wore on and 10 p.m. neared, I wondered when Seacrest planned on getting around to the results. Instead, the past year's Idol's slogged their way through a Beatles medley that had become pretty boring (special thanks to Carrie Underwood for that, on "She's Leaving Home") until this year's finalists joined the proceedings, arriving to sing "With A Little Help From My Friends." In an endearing moment of genuine happiness, the likes of which often proved elusive this season, the Top 12 and the former "Idol" champs joined together to sing the classic tune, finishing together - and, perhaps, pointing the way towards the show's future.

Random celebrities/Idol types spotted in the audience: Teri Hatcher and her daughter, Jerry Springer (?!) sitting in front of Jeff Foxworthy, Jennifer Hudson, Ace Young. I also think I saw Justin Guarini and Brittany Murphy (not together, I mean), but I can't be sure. (I know there were others, but I'm currently drawing a blank.) Alas, though, I saw no signs of The Hoff (or his tears) this time around.

Now, that's not very nice for the "nice" judge: Did Paula really make the "L" for loser sign with her hand when Seacrest introduced her? I could have sworn I saw it...

Seacrestian wit and wisdom (if you don't consider the very idea oxymoronic, that is...): Say what you will about Wendesday's show, but at least Seacrest represented in top form, tossing off one-liners with aplomb. Among them:
Randy, about five minutes into the show: "Who's gonna (win), Ryan? Call it!"
Seacrest: "If I do it now, I'll be in big trouble!"
A few minutes later...
Seacrest: "Simon, you already look bored."
Simon: "That's because I'm listening to you."

Seacrest, after Kelly Clarkson performed her current single, the pissed-off "Never
Again": "Would not want to be that 'Never Again' guy."

Seacrest, to Margaret Fowler, the heavyset audition-week novelty who dressed in more yellow than Big Bird, said "ye-eah!" like Lil' Jon's cousin and took home the "Golden Idol" statuette for "Best Presentation": "What's that in your hand?"
Fowler: "Just a little poem, 'cause you know I'm a poem writer, don't you, Simon?"
Seacrest: "Also known as a poet."

Seacrest, right after Blake and Doug E. Fresh's beatboxing extravaganza: "Ah, yes, just like the days of Justin and Kelly."

"Golden Idol" winner Sholandric Stallworth, a.k.a. the guy who sings really loud and extremely out of tune, as he received his trophy: "Does this have my name on it?"
Seacrest: "Sorry, it's a low-budget show."

Very nice, very nice! "High-five, I like that," Blake said Borat-style, as he and Jordin grinned and exchanged, yes, high-fives after receiving the keys to their new Mustangs.

(*cough*) Surely just a coincidence (*cough*): Oh, the producers so did not cut to a shot of BMG Music head honcho Clive Davis - who reportedly voiced harsh words and skepticism about Kelly Clarkson's upcoming album - after Clarkson performed "Never Again." But wait - they did.

Speaking of a Clive Davis smackdown: In a somewhat rambling speech that led up to his presenting Carrie Underwood with a framed photo commemorating the fact she'd sold 6 million albums, Davis mentioned all of the previous Idols and praised the teams that had helped them transition to the real world of music. But he doled out the highest praise to Carrie and Chris Daughtry. "So here's this year's report card for the 'American Idol' album franchise. The big news has been the huge explosion of Chris Daughtry," he said, going on to mention that Daughtry had sold 2.5 million albums, making the self-titled disc the best-selling of the year. Oh, Taylor Hicks, I know, I know, I feel for you, too.

That's achievement for ya: Kenneth Briggs, a.k.a. the, uh, strange, wide-eyed Seattle auditioner Simon ridiculed as a "bush baby," was back Wednesday and said he was fine with Cowell's criticism. "You know what, Simon, if you hadn't said what you said, I wouldn't he where I'm at," he said. Yes, standing on the American Idol stage accepting a meaningless award...after appearing on Jimmy Kimmel, and at the Super Bowl and Grammys and then returning to obscurity. Incidentally, I had no idea there actually was such a thing as a "bush baby," but apparently there is, and it's a jungle creature with, yes, really huge eyes. According to Seacrest, the show has sponsored one in Milwaukee on Briggs' behalf, and yep, it's named Simon.

Not exactly Luke Skywalker: "In a world where men fade into obscurity, true visionaries seize the day and shape our future," the "Idol" voice-over said as that song from "2001: A Space Odyssey" played and photos of historic world leaders flashed on the screen. "Now, another comes forth. One with the courage to embrace his destiny. One who stands firm in the face of adversity. There's been hysteria, but never like this. He is, in one word, Sanjaya Malakar. Sorry, that's two words. And here he is, performing live with Joe Perry of Aerosmith."

How can the "Idol" powers that be improve the show for next year? This year, "AI" in part fell victim to inflated expectations - and, perhaps, an overly confident sense of self. Though I'm no television wizard, as a longtime "Idol" watcher, I'd definitely offer these suggestions to restore viewers' confidence:

It's the contestants, stupid. At its heart, "American Idol" is a sort of narrative that lives and dies on the strength of its characters - that is, the contestants. People watch to follow their journeys, their transformation, their singing, their personalities. So cut the gimmicks, rein in the product placement and limit the times established artists take to the "Idol" stage to hawk their new songs or albums. Then, pick an awesome Top 24 and help us get to know them.
Cut the filler. See above, to an extent. For instance: Hourlong results shows? No thanks. Hourlong results shows where we learn nothing about the contestants and have to watch pre-taped performances by random, current pop stars? Quadruple no thanks.
Expand the themes. "AI" themes ought to give contestants room to roam, not a straitjacket. But with narrowly constructed performance shows devoted to such hard-to-sing artists as the Bee Gees and Diana Ross, what's an "Idol" contestant to do? This year's crop had a hard time figuring out, and our eyes and ears can vouch for us there.

All of this aside, I also wanted to thank you for reading my "Idol" musings this year - I hope you've enjoyed them, and I've appreciated hearing from many of you, too. So until our "Idol" paths cross again...farewell for now!

Sparks afire

2007-05-22T21:33:00.000-04:00

Poll: Who should be 2007 'American Idol'?

Probably the least truthful moment of Tuesday's "American Idol" finale came midway through, after Jordin Sparks emoted the heck out of Martina McBride's "A Broken Wing," then held out a gigantic note at the end. "This is a battle tonight!" Ryan Seacrest exclaimed, with Jordin nearby, towering over him. Maybe by that point the Season Six still looked like a toss-up to Seacrest, but Blake Lewis's efforts had begun to remind me of a thoroughbred entering a NASCAR showdown: Graceful and skilled as that horse might be at the event he's trained for, he just wasn't meant for a race dominated by loud, flashy power. That isn't at all a bad thing; Blake may not be for everyone, but I like him, and I suspect coming in second on "AI" - a very likely possibility - could help him a whole lot more than winning ever could. But more on that in a bit.

Overall, "AI's" weirdly perfunctory battle of the beatboxer vs. the teenager passed fairly quickly, coming off as more of a normal performance show than the penultimate night of television's world-beating ratings juggernaut. (Or, to - shudder - paraphrase Randy, it was just a'ight for me, dawg.) Where was the electricity in the air? Where was the special-occasion vibe? Where was the choir exultantly accompanying our two finalists as they hurtled toward a dramatic finish, performing this year's requisite sappy "Idol" single, "This Is My Now"? Not at the Kodak Theatre on Tuesday, that's for sure. Perhaps the giddiness is on hold until Wednesday's two-hour results extravaganza (which, after all, will likely include some form of Sanjaya, unlike Tuesday's show), the show that last year delivered jaw-dropping amounts of both the random (Meat Loaf? Prince?) and the insane (a Clay Aiken wannabe? Also, Clay Aiken's hairstyle?). Or perhaps it's decided to just not show up at all.

Even if not all previous years' "Idol" finales were major cliffhangers - honestly, only Season Two's Ruben/Clay ending was what you'd really call a nail-biter - they still all contained their fair share of tension, and a sense that something big was afoot. Tuesday, neither contestant seemed to fully seize the stage. Indeed, I was ready to write the night off until about 45 minutes in, when finally the moment came when the finale began to feel like The Finale: Jordin Sparks took the stage to take a swing at a big softball headed right down the center of the plate, the "Idol" single. Wearing a black dress and clearly taking the tune quite seriously, Jordin infused the song with soaring feeling and mature phrasing until the very end, when her age (all of 17 years, in case you hadn't heard it the first million times the "Idol" folks mentioned it) took over - and she broke down just a little, crying her way through the last few lines. Game over. Advantage, Jordin.

Of course, that wasn't the only sign she wanted to win more than Blake did (and needs it more than he does, too). Even though Blake won the "Idol" coin toss, he opted to go first, leaving the show's money position - the closing spot - for his putative competitor, Jordin. And while she talked about how excited she'd been about auditioning for the show, he freely admitted he tried out on a whim. Beyond that, the 25-year-old with a passion for rhythm and beats doesn't really have a reason to win - he's already established himself as a talented, likeable guy with his own fan base and musical vision. What could the "Idol" crown add to that, beyond heightened baggage and expectations? (And since when does "AI" know how to deal with unconventional winners, anyway? Ahem, Ruben, Fantasia, Taylor...) Jordin, meanwhile, could use the "Idol" help. Though her musical instincts seem pretty sound, the 17-year-old could surely benefit from guidance and assistance in shaping her style, and with her big voice and smile, she's certainly better suited to making the well-crafted pop music that characterizes the most successful "Idol" winners.

Indeed, she proved that again Tuesday, though her past few weeks have been somewhat rocky. She took on the challenge of Christina Aguilera's aggressive, guitar-heavy "Fighter" - kind of a curious choice, given that her previous forays into rock-esque songs fell flat - and mostly succeeded, even if she veered dangerously close to shriek city at times and struggled a bit to keep up with the wordy, fast-moving lyrics. Then, she moved in for the kill, expertly reprising one of her finest songs of the year, "A Broken Wing," and finishing with the "Idol" single - a major reminder of her strengths, not to mention a performance that spurred the judges to fall all over themselves to shower her with praise. "Last week I didn't think you were good enough to make the finals, and I want to say to you publicly now, I was wrong," Simon said. "It's a singing competition, and you just wiped the floor with Blake on that song."

If that was the case, Blake nonetheless proved a worthy mop, looking sharp and starting the show with an energetic, entertaining, unconventional, beatbox-heavy version of "You Give Love A Bad Name." His earlier rendition of the song was unquestionably one of the season's highlights, and Tuesday's take on it was just fine, too. But to me Blake's performing it seemed an attempt to make lightning strike twice: Though when we first heard it, the song was strikingly original, by this point, we'd heard it before, and it was drained of much of its magic. And though his second track, Maroon 5's "She Will Be Loved," would have been a perfectly acceptable choice under normal circumstances, it wasn't exactly up to finals par - if you're trying to win "AI," that sort of low-key tune (one that strains your upper register, too) isn't a song you win with. Simon agreed, saying, "I actually wouldn't have chosen that song in the final, because I don't think it makes that much of an impact." (Beyond that, Blake just sang another Maroon 5 song last week, so it also failed in terms of variety.)

But - perhaps a bit strangely, as it was the one song that wasn't his style or his choice - the performance that best exemplified Blake's situation was his take on the "Idol" single. Watching the seemingly quirky, cool guy up there on the stage, sitting on the edge of the giant video screen, leaning against it, and then walking toward the audience, doing what appeared to be his utmost with his thin voice to sing a rather treacly ballad about seizing the day and wanting more was so wrong, so ill-fitting and so un-Blake that it made clear that the guy not only shouldn't win "AI," it'd be kind of a tragedy if he did. Although he could quite possibly handle it, he doesn't deserve what for him would be a ball and chain - and for Jordin would be a blessing. The ability to connect with grade A schmaltz is a sure sign of an "Idol" contender. But thriving on the show without that? Well, it just might signal something more interesting.

Here's one "prize" we can already award: Ugliest fashion item of the year, hands down, goes to Randy Jackson for that hideous, hideous jacket trimmed with chains and random gold buttons. Oh my gosh, I'm still recoiling at the thought of it! I wasn't feeling it, dawg, I wasn't feeling it at all.

But man cannot live on beatboxing alone: "I'll give you a 10 out of 10 on the beatboxing...the singing for me was just alright," Randy told Blake after his performance of "You Give Love A Bad Name."

To think, if only he'd just saved up and bought himself a drum set: Although it was presented as this inspiring, life-affirming tale, it was a tad melancholy when Blake said he began beatboxing his senior year of high school, in part because he asked for a drum set every year for Christmas and never received one. "I remember driving into the garage and hearing drums, and I went, 'Oh no, somebody bought him a set of drums,'" Blake's dad said. "And I opened the door, and he was beatboxing, and I thought it was a set of drums when I walked in the house. He's still doing it." Oh, Blake's dad, is he ever.

But why didn't he ever say that to Jordin? "You should sit down because you're too tall, you're making me look small," Seacrest joked after introducing the larger member of the songwriting duo that penned the "Idol" single. Speaking of, what'd you think of the tune? For me, it falls kind of in the middle of the pack as far as "Idol" singles are concerned - it's definitely not the worst, but right off the bat it didn't strike me as the most memorable, either. Perhaps the radio-ready version will boast more charm.

Hyperbole, thy name is Randy: "It's the best singing competition ever in the history of television!" he exclaimed, in the midst of reminding viewers that "AI" is, in fact, a singing competition, and that Jordin deserved to win.

Also, every day is sunny, you're independently wealthy and there's a box of free puppies waiting for you outside: "You know how it goes, you know how it goes, they all end up winners, as you will see," Paula said somewhat drowsily, summing up the finalists' performances and alluding to Chris Daughtry, who was on stage in front of her, thought TV viewers couldn't yet see him. Simon then proceeded to say that Blake offered the best performance, with his first tune, but Jordin won out based on overall singing. "And they are all winners!" Paula continued. "And they are all winners, because you always say that," Seacrest said, totally mocking her.

Rock god posturing...that worked? "Cool" and "American Idol" generally don't go together, well, at all...and yet even amid those poor odds, I did think it was, yes, pretty cool to have Chris "Why, I was wearing eyeliner" Daughtry and his band on the Idol stage, performing "Home."

How was it for you? For all the talk of how this season was a letdown, I didn't think its finalists were the worst ever - for me, that dubious distinction still goes to the mostly-dreadful Season Three, even if it also gave us Jennifer Hudson and Fantasia. Instead, I think Season Six suffered in part because its semi-bland roster of finalists followed one of the best "Idol" years ever, the full-of-characters Season Five, and because those who run the show appear to have misjudged quite a bit this year - a sign, perhaps, of a show coasting on its laurels.

The Seattle auditions, which were pitched to viewers as some kind of wacky carnival freak show set nominally to music, turned out to be where both finalists auditioned. And I found it awfully hard to believe that the producers' choices for this season's Top 24 were really the best 24 undiscovered singers in the country, out of the, what, 100,000 or so who auditioned. Add to that a predilection for bland theme weeks that left considerably less room than usual for creativity or variety, and a lack of features that in past seasons helped us get to know the contestants better, and you've got this season. Plus, it's time to face the reality that even the most successful formula can go stale. Really, how many more times can we really stand to hear Randy prattling on about blowing things out the box, or endure Paula's utter loopiness (speaking of, she was in rare form last night, eh? it was almost as if she'd tripped over her Chihuahua and broke her tenuous sanity, not her nose)? And what does all of this mean for the show's future?

The resident pro ... goes

2007-05-16T22:11:00.000-04:00

Melinda Doolittle survived and thrived week after week on this year's "American Idol," unspooling strong, technically adept and (more recently) often thrilling vocals - and never finishing in the bottom two.

But on Wednesday's results show, the 29-year-old Tennesseean definitely did not live up to her long black dress, which was emblazoned with the phrase "death cheaters." Instead, the former backup singer is headed home, guaranteeing a Blake-Jordin "Idol" finale that's already a landmark no matter how it turns out: For the first time in its six-season history, "AI" won't have a Southern winner (if you count Oklahoman Carrie Underwood as Southern, that is).

Melinda's lengthy stint on the show was proof of both the transformative power of "American Idol" even in one of its off years, and of how picks that seem a sure bet in March don't always hold up in the end. In this season's early weeks, conventional wisdom almost went so far as to promise a Melinda-LaKisha final. But just as a baseball game doesn't end after the second inning, the "AI" finals are 12 weeks long, and part of the (theoretical, at least) joy of the show is watching the contestants grow, change and, if they're lucky, win you over. Thus, even though Melinda and LaKisha were strongest in, say, the semi-finals, there was plenty of show left - and talented as both are, neither is in the finale. It was almost as if people had so set themselves up from the beginning, expecting to see Melinda in the finale, that they didn't leave open the possibility that she wouldn't be there. I mean, although I was kind of surprised by her ouster, it's not like "AI" voters haven't previously ousted respective seasons' most technically proficient singers before the finale.

Indeed, that fact makes it strangely fitting that the performer on Wednesday's show was none other than last season's third-place finisher Elliott Yamin, a nice guy and excellent singer who was hampered by the lack of strong personality that also, I think, affected Melinda's bid. (And Elliott continues to have that problem, judging from the vocally excellent but distraction-inducing, generic R&B slow jam he performed.) Throughout the season, it seemed that Melinda's consistency and perfection worked against her in a way, as she hit her notes but wasn't always able to deepen performances with more personality and emotion. (As I believe Kelly Clarkson herself mentioned in a recent interview, sometimes there's more truth in an imperfect note.) That said, Melinda had really been growing on me in recent weeks, showing more personality and less of that faux "I can't believe it! Lil' old me!" humbleness. And, she appeared headed in the right direction (as previous golden child Jordin, who donned a weirdly dowdy, long dress Wednesday, has been flagging, I should note). In fact, kind of to my surprise, I was a little let down that we wouldn't receive a Blake-Melinda finale.

Otherwise, we got to enjoy what turned out to be a pretty decent night of television, unlike most of the rest of the season's results shows. Hey, it's funny how time flies when you, oh, try to fill an hour of television with material viewers might actually want to watch. This week, when Seacrest said, "Maroon 5 is here," he meant it, and not in the Fergie-Akon-Pink way. Nope, considering how Seacrest hugged lead singer Adam Levine, it sure looked like they were there in the studio, live! Considering Maroon 5 is a Los Angeles band, that shouldn't have been so unfathomable, except that previous weeks' pre-taped performances had lowered our expectations. And, oh my gosh, we were finally relieved of having to endure Seacrest's man-on-the-street interviews - and instead actually got to know more about the contestants and their lives. (Why, I ask, did it take us so long to get to this point this year, when in previous seasons we met the contestants and their families throughout the show's run? For me, that's always been a major part of the "Idol" charm.)

First to head off on a hometown visit was Jordin, who cried and smiled her way through the Phoenix area, all the way back to the posh suburb of Glendale. Was it really necessary to track her progress toward the local Fox affiliate's morning show from a helicopter? I doubt it, but that's just part of the good ol' "AI" spectacle. Really, what other show would provide the sight of a 17-year-old singing "I Who Have Nothing" - an old-fashioned, weepy ballad of love and loss - at what appeared to be one of those new-fangled, brightly colored suburban "lifestyle centers" (think Birkdale), in a plaza surrounded by a chain multiplex, chain ice cream shop and parking garage. Yep. THIS...is "American Idol!" (Also, Jordin: We all agree you sang that song beautifully, but don't you think it's time to, uh, switch things up a bit with some new material?) Somewhat hilariously, Jordin went back to her high school not as a graduate, as is the case with most returning "Idol" finalists, but as a student, because she's, uh, definitely young enough to still go there.

More emotionally buoyant and less bizarre was Blake's insanely high-spirited jaunt to Seattle - which, in all seriousness, was one of the most enjoyable things I've witnessed on "Idol" all year. Did Blake really need police escort at any point on that journey? Did he really need to take a seaplane from Seattle to his hometown of Bothell - which, according to MapQuest, is a full 25-minute drive away? Did a crowd on the streets of Bothell really need to dash after Blake as if he were all four Beatles combined? Oh, hell no. But such excess is what "Idol" journeys - and over-the-top entertainment - are made of! (Also, I'm wondering: Why was Jimi Hendrix' foreboding "All Along The Watchtower," sample lyric: "There must be some sort of way out of here/said the joker to the thief," playing in the background during the first half of that clip? Anyway.)

The clip of Blake taking in the Space Needle, and then, later, hugging his proud mom and dad in their driveway was priceless (and in contrast to Jordin's seemingly aloof parents). After singing to a vast crowd in Bothell, surrounded by some lovely Pacific Northwest greenery, Blake shouted "I love all you guys!" And after watching him tackle the national anthem at a Seattle Mariners baseball game, wearing a jersey that said "Blake" and the number 1, well, my reaction was about the same as his: "Best day ever! Whoo!"

Meanwhile, my Melinda appreciation meter continued to rise when she answered "Sweet tea" after Seacrest asked her what the best thing about her trip home to Nashville had been. Oh, Melinda, I think I'd be with you on that. Her trip itself, too, was heartwarming and a little quirky. For instance: Even though the clip showed Melinda pulling up in a stretch SUV limo with no police escort, you could hear sirens blaring in the background. All right, then, producers! After Tennessee's governor proclaimed it "Melinda Doolittle Day" in the state, she was filmed outside, joking that, "Apparently, it's Melinda Doolittle Day, so we do what we want to do." And as Melinda visited her alma mater, Belmont College, they unveiled a street sign reading "Melinda Doolittle Way." Yes, a street named after her! Then again, you know what they say about the South being "Idol's" most devoted part of the country...

After that and the Maroon 5 performance, the results arrived. I was ready for anything, and boy, did we get it: First, Jordin learned she'd made it to the finale, and Blake and Melinda reacted exuberantly, cheering generously. The crowd reacted similarly - but then, no one had been kicked off yet, so it was safe to revel in unadulterated joy. Not so with the next Seacrestian proclamation, in which Melinda stepped forward and was informed she'd been voted off. Ever the composed, kind professional, Melinda reacted with a gentle smile, but the news set off a stunned silence and a mix of booing in the crowd, as people uncertainly thought about how to react - a strange dilemma given that Melinda's ouster also meant Blake was moving on, and they wanted to celebrate him, too. Blake, too, appeared at a loss. But Seacrest helped smooth all that over. "Here she is, one of our best singers ever, Melinda Doolittle," he said, introducing a clip of her time on the show. Though the video spanned many months and many performances, Simon, as is so often the case, summed it up best, saying to Melinda: "You are one heck of a singer."

Now that's a question we don't usually have a reason to consider: So, after watching Wednesday's animated intro...whose "AI" opening do you prefer: Seacrest's, or Homer Simpson's?

Subliminal messages, anyone? Coming, as it did, the week after LaKisha exited to the strains of "Stayin' Alive" and two weeks after Phil Stacey left singing about "going out in a blaze of glory," Melinda's "death cheaters" dress did not bode well for her fortunes. And given that she mentioned in a previous week how she modified a song's lyrics to avoid singing about losing on "AI," we know she was aware of the issue. Perhaps it's a tall order, but I'm thinking contestants might want to avoid any potentially negative/cursed lyrical or fashion connotations in the future...

"Challenge" with a side of poor timing: Ok, yes, I've already made it exceedingly clear how I feel about the weekly "American Idol Challenge" trivia quiz (*coughlamecough*). But not only was Wednesday's edition ridiculously easy, as usual, didn't you think it was also a bit (perhaps unintentionally) mean-spirited...given that it asked viewers to identify which member of Season Five's top three hadn't made it to the finals, when the answer himself - Elliott Yamin - was about to perform live on the "Idol" stage? Way to bring a man down, Seacrest & Co. :-P

But Seacrest, "Blake time" doesn't mean "your cue to sing": Not sure what it is about Blake that so inspires Seacrest to beatbox, sing and otherwise express himself in wholly inappropriate ways - is it that he's sort of a cool guy prone to banter anyway? are they buddies now? - but boy, we so did not need to hear Ryan attempt Maroon 5's "This Love" while sitting with Blake, introducing Blake's trip home. (And Blake, dude, you're not getting off scot-free, either: You didn't need to encourage Seacrest by joining in with some beatboxing!) Fortunately for America's ears, the whole experience was practically over before it began.

Been there, spent time with early '90s rappers: Surely I wasn't the only one totally amused when Blake mentioned that he'd previously "done a couple of shows" with Sir Mix-a-Lot, in response to a Seacrest question on whether it had fulfilled a lifelong dream for him to beatbox onstage with the "Baby Got Back" rapper onstage in front of an adoring hometown crowd?

Then again, he's a better Seacrest partner than Dunkleman: "Well, I watched that show, and I wondered, did you really like big butts?" Seacrest asked Blake, in reference to his Seattle performance with Sir Mix-a-Lot. "I cannot lie," Blake replied, seamlessly taking his cue from the lyrics of the ridiculosuly derriere-obsessed rap tune.

Yeah, that was not the truth: When the clip of Blake's clip home ended, both Blake and his dad were shown standing onstage with Seacrest. Blake's dad was sort of lingering, not necessarily getting that he was supposed to cede center stage, when Seacrest told him, "Seriously man, you're gonna have to take a seat, we have to get to these results." So he departed, only for Seacrest to deliver the real results - not the fake results he intimated after each contestant's trip home played - half an hour later. Uh huh.

Oh, but you are: "We're not that predictable here, are we?" Seacrest quipped after not telling Blake a thing about his fate during the early "results" segment.

Makin' hay over a makeover: "We are going to bring out a guy I don't recognize," Seacrest joked, introducing the much-made-over Elliott Yamin, who recently released his debut album - and now sports a mop of curly brown hair and, rather glaringly, a mouthful of big new teeth brightened and straightened to Hollywood-orthodontia-perfection. "He's getting great reviews, Seacrest said a minute later. "So is his hair."

The perks of third place: As a third-place finisher on what's widely regarded as one of the top "AI" seasons, Elliott found himself in kind of an interesting place Wednesday. Though he'd done well enough to perform his new song on the show, in front of an audience of millions, he hadn't achieved an exalted enough position to keep him from having to "go before the judges" after his performance, albeit for some good-natured compliments. But, still - could you really have pictured Seacrest asking the judges to offer their reactions to, say, a Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood performance?

I can almost hear the "get off the stage" music swelling! After Elliott performed, he thanked a litany of people, including the "American Idol" crew and the guy who'd written the song he'd just finished singing. After some gentle Seacrest jesting about also thanking the show's sponsors, Elliott was like, "I'd like to thank Coke, Ford, Porsche. I love Porsches," he said excitedly. But in a hyper-sponsored "Idol" universe where car companies other than that one founded by a guy named Henry - what was his last name, again? - Seacrest couldn't let that one go. "That's a no-no on this show," he said.

Here's to historical accuracy: I loved how in last night's music video/commercial, to "Everybody Wants You," the girl playing the younger Melinda had two little puffs of hair pulled up on her head - just like in the real childhood photo of Melinda's we saw last week.

Top three, without glee

2007-05-15T22:35:00.000-04:00

As a certified Mariah-Celine-Whitney zone, "American Idol" tends to evoke thoughts of 1990s rock only when the likes of Blake Lewis or Chris Daughtry take the stage. Yet watching this season's top three contestants during Tuesday's performance show, I couldn't help but consider a mid-'90s alt-rock song that resides somewhere on my iTunes playlist - a seriously jaunty, poppy tune with a chorus that consists solely of one phrase, repeated: "Who sucked out the feeling?"

Indeed, as Season Six limps to a conclusion, I'm having a hard time figuring who I'd prefer to see in the finals next week, mostly because all of the remaining contestants are competent but none are overwhelmingly compelling. If last year's top group was electrifying, this year's crop is suffering from a power outage - if not altogether vocally, then certainly in terms of the other intangibles that determine whether "Idol" flops or flies. As an "Idol"-watching friend rightly pointed out, this season has lacked the crucial "rewatch factor" - that is, it hasn't provided much of anything you'd really want to go back and watch again. With shows like "Idol," that's important: If I'm recalling correctly, my mom still has a videotape containing some of Clay Aiken's Season 2 highlights. This year's show has offered only a few isolated contenders, including LaKisha's "I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," from the semifinals.

At this point, it's hard not to feel at least somewhat over "AI." Why wonder whether Blake took the cake, Jordin made sparks fly or Melinda did a lot when you can contemplate "Is it time for bed yet?" or "What's going to happen on the season finale of 'Desperate Housewives'?" Given that ratings are trending down a bit, I guess I'm not the only one with such thoughts. And maybe I'm reading way too much into this, but is it a reflection of this season that music mogul Clive Davis, who has shown up on previous seasons to guide the last few contestants - and pick one of the songs they perform - was nowhere to be found Tuesday? Hmmm. Instead, the top three each sang a producers' choice.

Anyway, left to their own, ever-questionable devices, the judges mostly heaped praise on Blake, Melinda and Jordin. And to be fair, all three contestants acquitted themselves decently enough considering the limitations they face. But that's the problem: Tuesday's show may have been "all about threes," as Seacrest put it - with the top three singing three songs each before "AI's" three judges - but when it came to the performances, none of the finalists convincingly checked all three boxes that count: Personality, vocals and song choice.

Jordin's toothpaste commercial smile, effervescent demeanor and powerful, emotional vocals were present and accounted for Tuesday, but some off-base songs hampered the 17-year-old Arizonan when she should have been soaring. She kicked off the proceedings with Rose Royce's "Wishing On A Star," which Simon chose for her and then proceeded to criticize anyway, arguing that the "weird jazz arrangement" was poor. Even amid that, though, she managed keen rhythm and phrasing and classy vocals. (Hey, random musical tidbit: Rose Royce also did that oh-so-'70s classic "Car Wash"!)

The producers' choice, Donna Summer's "She Works Hard For The Money," also proved an awkward fit, and Jordin struggled vocally during the verses before ripping some killer notes at the end. Not that the judges acknowledged that. "You know what's funny right now?" Randy said afterward. "It doesn't really matter what song you do, you're working it out up there whatever song it is."

Well, um, actually, it kind of does matter what song you do, but hey: Randy's only a supposed musical expert paid very, very well for his opinions. Then, after Jordin closed her set by successfully reprising the soul-searing ballad "I Who Have Nothing," which she nailed earlier in the season, Simon again criticized her, this time for choosing a song that was too old and old-fashioned. Although I agree she could have at least balanced her aged selections by choosing a more current song with the one pick she did control, it's also kind of hard to fault her for sticking with what had worked. Standing on the stage with Seacrest, Jordin awkwardly but kind of correctly mentioned that Simon hadn't exactly kept things current himself, considering the very song he chose for her dates to the 1970s.

Meanwhile in BlakeLand, Mr. Beatbox himself again tried to overcome his limited vocal range through spot-on song choices and sheer, energetic force of personality. After a miserable showing last week, he sure needed to succeed, and to my ears, he did, ending up - through luck and his own choosing - with far fresher, more appropriate and interesting songs than Melinda or Jordin. (Will it be enough to carry him into the finals? That's another question, I'm afraid.)

Paula's choice for him, the Police's "Roxanne," wasn't exactly original, but it was still kind of fitting, both in terms of delivery and, well, I guess you could argue that Blake has a bit of a Sting-like look going on. His lack of a lower register dragged him down, as it has before, but he remained utterly committed to the performance, holding the mic stand and commanding a stage bathed in red light. (So, um, I guess someone did have to put on the red light, then?)

His next two tracks worked even better; I must have some kind of weird psychic connection with the "Idol" producers, because I swear that last week, while listening to another Maroon 5 song, this thought occurred to me: "Hey, 'This Love' would be a great song for Blake to do on 'American Idol!' " And what song did Blake do, pray tell, what song did the producers choose for him? Why, the insanely catchy "This Love," of course, which fit with Blake's style 100 percent. Even if his rendition was wholly unoriginal, coming off like the Maroon 5 version with less powerful vocals (oh Blake, your voice did not hold up during that whole "Repair your broken wing" bridge), he confidently recovered and made it to the end with energy. Then, he continued along the whole white-boy funk vein with his own and final selection, Robin Thicke's "When I Get You Alone." Though because of his vocal limitations, Blake can't really seize notes as much as he ought to, rhythm and the well-chosen song carried him along. Randy appeared mighty skeptical afterward, but Simon was swayed: "I actually really liked that," he said, leading Seacrest to crack that he had "a musical crush."

Which leaves us with the judges' overall musical crush, Melinda Doolittle. Her vocals are uniformly excellent and Tuesday, she had decent material to work with. And to an extent, her personality has emerged in recent weeks, after laying dormant early on this year. I like her and appreciate her adept, skillful singing. But heaven help me, I just can't muster any real interest in or enthusiasm for her. Perhaps it's because her performances tend to be perfect, in a way, without the emotional depth that distinguishes more affecting versions. That said, after weeks and weeks of excellence, are the finals her due? Randy, Paula and Simon sure seemed to think so, and her three performances helped make the case, too.

Though the judges commended Melinda's rendition of Whitney Houston's "I Believe In You and Me," a terrifically challenging song that she delivered with admirable precision and restraint, I much preferred the performances that followed. As competently as Melinda handles ballads, she's better when she's fired up, as during Bon Jovi week or, Tuesday, on her earthy, bring-down-the-house version of Ike and Tina Turner's "Nutbush City Limits," which showcased her voice and ability to ride a groove, and on her final number, "I'm A Woman," which she delivered with sass, sauciness and a bit of what Simon dubbed a striptease (really, just a chastely suggestive drop of the gray jacket she'd had slung over her right shoulder).

So what did it all resolve? Most weeks, it's not hard to make an educated guess on that front. This week, I'm totally baffled. Randy said he thought the finals would feature two girls. Paula, taking a page from the usual Randy playbook, refused to say who she felt would make it through. And Simon made his loyalties screamingly obvious, saying "I want to see my girl Melinda in the finals." As for me, I guess Blake is probably the likeliest candidate for elimination, simply because he's the weakest singer remaining, but as we all know, singing's only part of the game in the "Idol" universe. Before Tuesday's show, I might have wagered Melinda would go home; now, I'm not too sure. I still think Jordin is the most viable "Idol," but a lackluster Tuesday night did her no favors. Perhaps this dilemma means we'll end up with a rarity Wednesday: A genuinely suspenseful results show.

Who knew the lingo migrated to the printed word, dawg? "I don't get many faxes that start, 'Check it out,' " Tennessee Gov. Phil Bredesen remarked after being handed a piece of paper that contained Randy's song choice for Melinda. Then, he slightly misread the closing of the fax as, "Rock on, Randy Johnson. Jackson, sorry" - an excellent correction, given that the "Idol" judge is far from a tall, fearsome major league pitcher. "Thank you, Randy Johnson," Melinda joked afterward.

Love means learning to spell your Idol's name correctly? "Grand Rapids Michigan loves Malinda," a fluorescent pink posterboard in the audience read Tuesday.

Straight outta, um, Georgia, it's gangsta Cresty: I'm beginning to think Randy is only, like, half-in on the joke when Seacrest toys with him, particularly when they're bantering about his oft-used phrases, as in this exchange that followed Melinda's first performance: "You wanted her to accept the challenge, step up and deliver, and yo yo yo, she did did did!" Seacrest said. "She blew it out the box!" Randy enthused. "Yeah yeah yeah, I want you to get up outta your seat, Randy, one of these times. Soon he's gonna get out of his seat, I promise you, America," Seacrest responded, leading to this priceless, cutting remark from Simon: "Are you drunk?" ("No, I'm totally sober," Seacrest replied a bit later, before saying, "We are going to take a quick break right now, get a cocktail ...")

And I cannot lie: Blake isn't exactly cheese-averse, as that clip of him beatboxing as Sir Mix-A-Lot segued into "Baby Got Back" demonstrated, somewhat endearingly...

Mmmno, we mean "favorite" loosely: At one point, Seacrest said the contestants would be finishing the evening by singing their favorite songs - but apparently not their favorite songs of all time, as it turned out. If that'd been the case, we'd have gotten to witness the joyous spectacle of Jordin attempting Hanson's "Mmmbop," which she'd identified as her favorite song in response to a viewer question earlier in the evening.

A woman of not-so-many thoughts: "What else can we say? We love you, we love you and we love you," Paula told Melinda after she sang "Nutbush City Limits." "That's why we hired you for this show, Paula," Simon replied dryly.

I am telling you, Kiki's going

2007-05-09T22:41:00.000-04:00

After all this talk of shocking eliminations from "American Idol's" final four - where, as conventional wisdom puts it, contestants who seemed a sure bet for the top two were unceremoniously, outrageously dismissed before their time - perhaps we should also consider the now-equal number of Final Four Non-Shockers.

I'm talking about the contestants who may have had a good run, perhaps even a better-than-expected run, but whose time it nonetheless was to go. For every Tamyra Gray (Season One), you have a Josh Gracin (Season Two); for every LaToya London (Season Three), you have an Anthony Fedorov (Season Four, and yeah, I totally had to look up the fact he'd finished fourth that year). After Wednesday's elimination show, you can also say that for every Chris Daughtry (Season Five), there's a LaKisha Jones. Which is not meant to take away anything from Kiki's Season Six run. Rather, it fits the pattern, and sure enough, it was her time to go, as plenty of us were able to predict. In a way, the predictable result was totally fitting, given the abysmal performance show it followed.

Ever humble and self-effacing (with, I think, more personality than she let on), LaKisha was totally prepared to leave, too, even fessing up during some Ryan Seacrest questioning that she'd been giving herself a bit of a pep talk during the break, hoping that she wouldn't forget the words to "Stayin' Alive," her "sing us out!" tune, and wouldn't cry. Ultimately, she batted .500, because the tears definitely began flowing the minute she learned she was headed home. As the clip of "her journey" played, I realized I'd forgotten just how ferocious her semi-finals performance of "I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" was, as if she was singing for her life. Though she also had some decent nights in the finals, nothing afterward compared. Though that in and of itself didn't spell the end for her, it was nonetheless a bit of a letdown to see her falter as the season wore on, picking lackluster songs and delivering some performances that were just kind of off, in spite of her tremendous voice. Nonetheless, the bank teller and single mother went out with dignity and a deserved sense of accomplishment. "You should be very proud of yourself," Seacrest said, without sarcasm, and he was absolutely right.

LaKisha's departure leaves us with what's probably most appropriate top three the show could have expected this year, not to mention a trio any avid "Idol"-watcher could have called weeks ago: Melinda, Jordin and Blake. Mind you, if contestants could be ejected for crimes of fashion, not just singing, we would now have just a top two, because the hideous tuxedo T-shirt Blake sported Wednesday would have gotten him bounced in record time. Not even cool in an ironic way, the grayish tee looked even more out of place amid the presentably-dressed ladies, further emphasizing the contrast between Blake, the remaining guy, and everyone else.

The "one of these things is not like the other" effect proved even more hilarious during the contestants' mostly-dead-on-arrival Barry Gibb medley, as they attempted to make their way through smooth '70s chestnuts such as "Emotion," then picked up the energy level toward the end. "The Lewis Sisters, ladies and gentlemen," Seacrest said afterward, presumably likening the Final Four to a '40s singing group of sorts. Despite the group performance's lack of a pulse, it was nice to hear Gibb's hard-to-sing tunes delivered with harmony. And the medley also delivered another lesson: Blake singing lead vocals is a non-starter. The guy obviously possesses musical ability, but his range is limited; in a way, it's to his credit he's made it as far as he has, particularly given AI's tendency to favor big belters. But at the same time, I'm not sure what it says about the show as a "singing competition" if he moves on.

Even with the flat medley and (argh!) yet another Seacrest foray into man-on-the-street territory, though, Wednesday's results show largely redeemed itself by finally, finally giving us some insight into the contestants' backgrounds. This, dear friends, is what "Idol" cheese is all about, and we've been deprived this year! Why, why has it taken us so long to get to this point? (Now, I'm hoping the show will continue to make up for it when the remaining contestants head home next week.) Anyway, the whole sort of "childhood nostalgia montage" provided plenty o' revealing nuggets, such as: LaKisha, Melinda and Blake are all only children. Younger Melinda favored a Minnie Mouse-type "afropuff" hairdo. Younger Jordin totally did look the same as she does now, just smaller.

Appearances weren't the only things that have remained constant: "I was one to never ruffle feathers," Melinda said in a statement sure to qualify for least shocking of the entire season. And, really, has anything all year summed up Blake better than his admission that he got kicked out of his choir class for being too rowdy? Paula can call him a rebel all she wants, but he's also the dude who would have been in choir class in the first place.

Dump that salt right in the wound, Seacrest: "Picture the eyes of the country watching your every move. Consider singing live for over 30 million people. Imagine being cut after getting this close. It's happening to someone tonight," the host intoned, introducing the show (as Blake smiled in an oh-so-nervous/fake way). Oh, Seacrest, your kindness and penchant for melodrama both know no bounds.

Modesty in action...from Simon? "It's not just about me," Simon said after Seacrest bizarrely complimented him for being brilliant the previous evening (and said something like "I really enjoyed watching you"). "These two little people have a little role as well," he continued, extending his arms toward Randy and Paula. Um, that aside, how was Simon any different Tuesday than in previous, oh, years? Seacrest, what gives!

Speaking of: Seacrest was in sardonic top (or lame, depending on how you feel about him) form Wednesday, dropping one-liners left and right. "Sanjaya, live on stage," he said after running a promo for the upcoming Idols Live tour. "Lock up your daughters."

Meanwhile, back at Seacrest's Wacky Farmers' Market: "Ah, you can tell we have an hour to fill tonight," Seacrest observed after another trip to Man-on-the-Street Land, albeit that same street that always seems to have no one on it on a Wednesday morning. (Seacrest, seriously, you're in the second-largest city in the country - I know it's L.A., where people love their cars, but surely there must be a more, uh, populated venue for your banter.) He's padded the show with the segment so many times, it might actually - unfortunately - qualify for inclusion in the "Results Show Staple" category by season's end. That said, Seacrest's "Oh gosh, can't you see how hard I'm trying at this!" exchanges did yield a few gems, such as:

Seacrest, to woman on street, in an "um, this could be misinterpreted" question: "How deep is your love?" Woman: "It's very deep. It's very deep for 'American Idol.' "
Seacrest, to women on the street: "These kids have come from small towns and next thing you know, they're famous and they're household names and now they've met Bono and Barry Gibb..."
Seacrest, to a woman with long, blonde hair: "You kind of have a Blake look." Woman, staring at him with extreme skepticism, clearly aware that Blake has short, dark hair: "No." Seacrest: "You know, the, uh, the hair."

Obfuscation 101 with your professors, Ryan Seacrest and the "Idol" producers! Early in the show, Seacrest promised Pink "right here on this stage," but as anyone who's watched an "Idol" results show lately knows, "right here on this stage" doesn't mean live. Nope, instead it means, "We'll show you a random, pre-taped performance by a current pop star." Sure enough, Pink didn't appear to be there in the studio live, even though the producers have apparently gotten a bit more clever about their editing, as they immediately cut to shots of audience members clapping after Pink's "performance," then spliced in a shot of Pink reacting to the applause (genuinely, but not from that night) and cut to Seacrest standing at the side of the stage, with the stage itself not visible. Right.

Was it just me, or... Was the Final Four's version of "You Really Got Me" (in this week's commercial) blander than the one Sanjaya unleashed earlier this season?

Maybe you just need to eat better? "Blake makes my knees shake," read one sign in the audience Wednesday.

Yeah, that'd make anyone nervous...especially that last part: After Seacrest suggested she seemed a little nervous the night before, LaKisha launched into a detailed explanation with a wry kick at the end. "I had a lotta things that happened earlier in the day, and I didn't have on what I was supposed to have on, and the key change, and I was thinking and overanalyzing everything and, I dunno, hoping that Simon would kiss me again," she said. "His girlfriend's in the audience tonight, so let's be careful," Seacrest responded.

Modesty not exactly in action here (although admittedly, she can sure sing): "I didn't get my singing talent from anybody in my family," Jordin said with a bit of awe. "It's just a gift."

The set-up, the pitch...and now, for more insightful commentary from Randy "Broken Record" Jackson: "Randy, I'm gonna put you on the spot," Seacrest said as Blake and LaKisha stood center stage, waiting to learn their fate. "How do you think this is gonna go?" Ever afraid of, oh, directly answering a question, Randy dithered. As usual. "God, I dunno, it was a tough night for both of them last night. I dunno, man, I don't know, Ry, I dunno, dude."

And yet he and Paula will criticize this: I guess Paula and Randy banding together to "criticize" Simon has, by this point, become just some kind innate, unthinking reflex...because how else can you explain how they took issue with his decision to guess who'd be going home? I mean, the votes had already been tallied; it's not like it'd sway the outcome anyway, nor is it really all that mean, so what's so wrong with having an actual opinion? "One of 'em's got to go," Simon noted. "There's only two people up there." (For the record, he correctly predicted LaKisha would exit.)

Next week: Who'll make it to the final night? It's pretty unclear, except that Jordin will probably be there unless she completely self-destructs next week, on a night when, thankfully, the contestants won't be hemmed in by a majorly constricting theme. Blake will likely still benefit from being the lone male finalist, but can he survive another week as truly awful as this one? Can he overcome his limited vocal range and prove he's not out of his depth? Can he sell Clive Davis on beatboxing? And Melinda presents the biggest dilemma of all. On a superficial level, that seems ridiculous; she's been wowing people with her vocal prowess all season long, and general sentiment has long pegged her as a sure bet for the finals. But her inability to really connect on a larger level has left her in a strange spot. It's easy to say she should have recognized her problem earlier, but on a weird level, it's kind of the judges' fault, too, because they could have begun tempering their praise of her with cautionary words weeks ago, but didn't until now. "Well, it was kind of a wake-up call for me," she told Seacrest Wednesday, "because my goal coming into this was to be consistent in the midst of all the different genres. But I realized last night that I have to bring more to it, so, I mean, I hope I get the chance to." Well, she's getting the chance, but she's been getting the chance all season, too, and hasn't ramped it up yet...so will she do so at the last minute? I know I'll be watching to find out...

Barely stayin' alive

2007-05-08T23:03:00.000-04:00

In his introduction to Tuesday's "American Idol," Ryan Searest rhapsodized about guest coach Barry Gibb and the Bee Gees' musical contributions. They revolutionized '70s dance music! They helped define a generation! But as the final four contestants', uh, contributions made clear, the line between a leisurely groove and a plain ol' drag is indeed a fine one - and it takes talent to remain on the right side. As a result, a night that was supposed to celebrate the power of "boogie music" (as Seacrest so artfully put it last week) just sputtered along to its merciful end, stopping dead in its tracks my hope that, after last week's surprisingly entertaining Bon Jovi night, Season Six was gaining momentum and might snowball toward an exciting conclusion.

Instead, we endured an hour in which the only redeeming factors were Gibb (who rose above the overall snoozefest with kindness and good humor, sporting a silver mane and the same facial hair he did 30 years ago, judging by the clips) and that part at the very end where Seacrest proclaimed, "Seacrest, out!" And, well, that's about it. Honestly, as I sat there on my couch watching the show, it occurred to me that a night like that was enough to make a person - ok, more specifically, me - long for the wild and crazy times of, perish the thought, Sanjaya and Haley (who, by the way, looked to be in the audience), and heck, even the not-too-distant days of Chris Richardson. Last year at this time, the problem wasn't that no one was good enough to win, it's that everyone was. Now, perhaps I just have "Idol" fatigue, but it seemed to me that, more than anything, this final four's performances succeeded mostly at bringing back to the fore the weaknesses that have dogged them throughout the season, as if they'd reverted to the worst versions of themselves. Blake overrelied on beatboxing. Melinda couldn't add personality and life to her technical proficiency. LaKisha's performances veered toward the odd. And Jordin came off largely as more of a teen pageant contestant than a soaring, world-beating potential pop star. (I should have known early on something was amiss, because I found myself agreeing with even Paula's comments.) It all made me want to listen to the still-incredible "Saturday Night Fever" soundtrack to cleanse my mind and dull my memory, except that, much to my chagrin, I don't actually own it. (Note to self: Borrow mom and dad's record the next time you're home.)

The evening began promisingly enough, with the 75 percent female Final Four singing "How Deep Is Your Love" with Gibb. "I've made lots of records with ladies, so this was a perfect scenario for me," the prolific producer cracked. Then Melinda took the stage for "Love You Inside and Out." Fashion and lack of her over-the-top, "what, me?" humility largely aside, she returned to unfortunate form, which is to say, technically proficient but boring. Of course she was in tune. Of course she was on pitch. Of course she was in rhythm. But Paula, providing shocking insight, said we now need more to impress us. "That was a backing vocalist's performance," Simon said. "You are better than that." Word. Her second song, "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart," was better but still boring and, frankly, old-fashioned in a bad way. She finished strong, dropping some huge notes that she really dug into, but as (again, I can't believe I'm citing her, but) Paula cautioned sometimes vocals aren't everything, and people need to be surprised. Will it be enough to keep her out of the bottom two for the gazillionth straight week? I'm not sure it is, but then again...

If we were judging by last night's performances alone, could it be Blake's week to hit the trail? He'll probably benefit from being the only guy remaining, and truth be told, I'd rather see him survive than enter a final three populated only by ladies with similar singing styles. But oh, as the judges also lamented, it was so not his week. With white streaks in his dark hair, he soft-shoed and beatboxed his way through "You Should Be Dancing." Even though it looked like he was throwing everything he had at it, it remained on life support throughout (although I did kind of enjoy the part where he sort of scatted). The only benefit of that performance was that, afterwards, the producers finally decided to identify his family in the audience. (Yes, he has a family! And the unidentified guy shown last week who looks like his dad probably is his dad!) To his everlasting credit, Randy was not exactly feeling the beatboxing. "It actually made it very corny for me," he said, delivering probably one of the best Randy lines of the year (admittedly, the pickings are slim, but still): "I felt like I was at some weird discotheque in some foreign country." Paula praised Blake for being unique, but then negated any enthusiasm she may have shown by following her remarks with a plodding clap. Simon, unsurprisingly, hated it. And Blake's next choice of song? Egads! Believe me, I'm not opposed to obscure songs if they're, you know, good, but where did Blake unearth "This Is Where I Came In"? And why, when he had the Bee Gees catalog to choose from, would he pick something so generic, so "completely tuneless," as Simon put it? Blake's weirdly transfixing top - what was it? A sweater? A vest? A t-shirt? - held my attention far more than the singing/mugging/whatever. Afterwards, I was torn about Blake's fate: Should one bad night doom him, or has he done all he can do, meaning last night's cheesefest was a symptom of a larger problem, not an aberration?

Given that she was in some ways lucky to survive to this week in the first place, though, I suspect LaKisha may be the one heading home. That's kind of a shame, because her voice is undeniably powerful, but then again, it's not like Melinda and Jordin are really slouches in that department, either. Even if she had delivered the Bee Gees equivalent of last week's electrifying "This Is Not A Love Song," Kiki may not have been able to stave off a trip to the bottom two. Without such a performance, she's a lock to at least go there. Though she took the stage with confidence, strutting out and attempting to seize possession of "Stayin' Alive," the arrangement dragged, and she also trotted out a weird hop mid-song and broke up the melody with bits of gospel-flavored belting. She chose her second tune, "Run To Me," because she thought it was a beautiful ballad, but her lower range proved an issue, and toward the end, her voice cracked. In and of itself it wouldn't be a deal-breaker, but cumulatively, it could well be a deal-sealer.

Which leaves us with Jordin, probably the person least likely to get the boot. Not because she delivered showstopping performances amid the overall drudgery, mind you, but because if we had to grade on a curve, she'd come out on top. She said she came into her practice session determined to show Gibb how much emotion she felt in "To Love Somebody" - the best song choice of the night, incidentally - and she must have succeeded, because he responded with effusive, hyperbolic praise. "I know a couple hundred people have sung this song, but I haven't heard a greater version than Jordin's," he said. (What, he wasn't familiar with the Clay Aiken version from Season Two, which was, to my mind, at least as good?) When Jordin took the stage, she invested the tune with similar feeling, adding a soulful breakdown midway through (something that sounded a lot better in practice than it does in print, I must admit). And even if the overall performance didn't exactly take flight, it was at least cleared for take-off - which was enough to make it the nominal highlight on a night when everyone else was still docked at the gate. But on her second song, "A Woman In Love," she turned back around and headed toward Dullsville, wearing a flowing turquoise dress and performing with all the passion and fervor of a bored '50s housewife about to start in on some vacuuming. Simon criticized it as being too old-fashioned and pageanty, and though Jordin hit some pretty excellent notes toward the end, the overall song dragged - a description that, unfortunately, could just as easily applied to the whole dispiriting night.

So it's not just in terms of performances? In that clip toward the beginning of the show where the final four gathered 'round the piano, singing "How Deep Is Your Love" with Gibb, did anyone else notice how tall girl Jordin totally towered over everyone else? Hello, pronounced height differences! LaKisha was maybe up to her shoulder. But anyway...

Actually, to answer your question, Seacrest... "As you know, this show lives and dies by the strength of the songs, and tonight we've got eight of the best," Seacrest said before introducing the first performance. "Can we fit all this in?" Seacrest, you asked, and I'm here to deliver: Well, uh, let's see, if you just removed the viewer questions, the cell phone commercial/forced banter with Randy inserted early in the show and the five million hours of commercials, then, yeah, maybe you wouldn't have had to, say, totally blow through LaKisha's second segment, hardly leaving the judges a moment to get a word in edgewise. But hey, just a hint!

Painful yet amusing host-related moments, volume 427: When Seacrest tried to beatbox his way through the word "text," telling numbers you could dial for Blake, who totally cracked up at the remark.

He's still got it: Unlike some of Idol's other retro guest coaches, Barry Gibb still seemed to be in decent voice, demonstrating his falsetto for LaKisha. That can't be (easy for a 60-year-old).

Eh, she's probably grateful: "Well, LaKisha, no kiss tonight, baby!" Simon said after LaKisha's lackluster "Stayin' Alive," referring to the lip-lock he laid on her after her crackling performance in last week's Bon Jovi night. "Clearly, Simon not the type who calls back after a first date to see how you're doing," Seacrest quipped afterward.

Graduating with a degree in "Idol" savvy, it's Melinda: Talk about self-awareness (not to mention having learned from, say, Phil's prophetic song choice from last week, where he went on and on about going out in a blaze of glory and then, well, you know)! Instead of singing "how can a loser ever win," Ms. Doolittle very consciously recycled a verse about rain. "You know what, I'm very careful about words, so I've been very careful not to sing about being a loser on 'American Idol,'" she said. "I was like, maybe I'll just go back to the part that says, 'How can you stop the rain from falling?' because I'd rather be wet than a loser," she said. "If I was her, I'd probably want to leave that line out, too," Gibb said, smiling.

And by "gifts," we can also mean "overused tics": "It does give him the chance to explore those extra little gifts that he has," Gibb said, after expressing shock that Blake chose to perform the relatively obscure "This Is Where I Came In" as his second song of the night.

It may keep waiting: "I love the idea that he's performing it," Gibb said in reaction to Blake's choice of "This Is Where I Came In." "We thought it could be a hit, but we were wrong," he said, laughing. "It still has the ability to be a hit record, even if not by us, and here it is. It's been waiting for its time, and maybe Blake will bring it up to date right now."

But no, really, cut the beatboxing: "Just remember, you don't have to do the beatboxing on every joint, dude. You don't have to do it. We know you can do it," Randy said rather emphatically after Blake's second beatbox-intensive performance of the night. "But if he can, he can," Paula said, interjecting in a tone of voice that suggested "I've just emerged from heavy sedation." "Yeah, but he ain't gotta do it every time," Randy volleyed back. "It gets old."

The verdict? Feisty! "Look, it is Simon's evil twin," Seacrest teased toward the end of the show. "Judge Judy is with us!" After a quick exchange, he offered, "All right, let's tell the truth, they've been dating for three months now." "You troublemaker!" the judge replied in mock offense.

Just wondering: After watching the final four not exactly do justice to the Bee Gees' catalog on Tuesday's show, I'm wondering how an artist like Gibb feels after being a featured part of an "Idol" show on which the contestants totally bellyflop. In this case, the phrase "stick to the originals" occurs to me...

Elimination? Make that a double

2007-05-02T22:38:00.000-04:00

Last week's "Idol Gives Back" blowout may have been American Idol's go-for-the-gusto attempt at heartfelt, charitable sentiment. But for my money, Wednesday's double elimination show was just as possessed with the warm fuzzies, if not more - albeit on a less grandiose scale.

Even if the episode did contain 100% more elimination than usual "Idol" nights, it also offered two group hugs, heartfelt proclamations of best-friendship, highly visible displays of contestant camaraderie, Seacrest actually expressing regret at the way he treated a contestant on a previous elimination night and generous farewells to Phil and Chris, two kind Top Sixers who, to be fair, most warranted a trip home. As edgy as a trip to church, as dangerous as milk and cookies at grandma's house, Wednesday's show may have been the follow-up to Rock Night, but it might as well have come on the heels of "A Celebration of Doris Day, Puppies and Kittens." Which, I mean, was fine, except for...

The horrible, horrible filler. OK, yes, on one level, complaining about filler on "American Idol" results shows is like whining about fat in a Big Mac; we expect it. But even given the already-low bar the show has set for itself, Wednesday's installment was pretty dismal. "Once again, we'll be stretching this show into a full hour, and I promise no filler," Seacrest said at the beginning of the show, making a "yeah, right" face that conveyed just the opposite. "Sure."

I can tolerate the falsettoed, attempted blue-eyed soul of Robin Thicke (son of Alan), who with his v-neck sweater, looked like he'd escaped from boarding school, and Bon Jovi's consummately professional version of their new single, the ballad "(You Want To) Make A Memory." (By the way, wasn't Jon Bon an awesome guest? I loved him!) But are the "Idol" producers really so desperate for content to occupy one of the most valuable pieces of prime-time real estate going that, while continuing to deprive us of those dear group singing numbers AND any information about the contestants' backgrounds, they can:

1) Repeatedly send Seacrest out for inane man on the street segments. If there's a reason for this beyond filling space, I'd be interested in knowing; this week, we were treated to Seacrest shoving a microphone in the face of a skinny, scared-looking little girl, in an attempt to get her to sing the chorus of "Livin' On A Prayer," and the likes of two ladies who call themselves "Blaker Girls." And really, if the Idol powers that be are going to make Seacrest head out to talk to folks, couldn't they at least send him to a street with people on it, not the World's Emptiest Farmers' Market?

2) Broadcast an extended recap of "Idol Gives Back," a program that aired week earlier and was in and of itself a bit of a results show.

3) Ask people to send in "answers" for the least challenging "American Idol Challenge" trivia question in the history of mankind, which is definitely saying something, given the ineffable lameness of previous weeks' questions. (Even Seacrest mocked it. Riiiiight.)

Anyway, as far as results were concerned, Phil was the first to get the boot, receiving his dismissal about halfway through the show. In delivering the bad news, Seacrest praised Phil's character twice, calling him "a very, very good man." Then, true to the self-fulfilling form of the song he'd chosen for the week, Phil then proceeded to go out in, yes, a "Blaze of Glory," or at least as much of one as a genuinely nice, friendly-seeming sort of married father of two could. He made the most of his last chance, too, working it on the runway, walking through the crowd as he sang, hugging the judges, kissing his wife and then heading back to the stage, where Group Hug No. 1 enveloped him.

In the next round of eliminations, Seacrest actually took pity on Jordin for psyching her out the week before and acting as if she'd been eliminated, and ordered her to sit back down immediately. (Yay, sigh of relief!) Left standing were Blake and Chris, and from the looks of Chris's smile, he immediately concluded he was the one headed for the exits. Later, with Blake and Chris center stage, the two embraced and spoke of their friendship, noting that they're "best friends." (Hey, they're this season's Ace and Chris!) "Why you gotta do this, man?" Blake jokingly asked Seacrest, before he and Chris concluded that the outcome didn't really matter, because "we're going on tour together."

The congeniality continued even after Seacrest informed Chris he'd been cut, leaving the show with the top four it both needs and deserves: Blake, Melinda, Jordin and LaKisha. "This is not easy, is it?" Seacrest asked. "It was worth it," Chris said. "Thanks for keeping me in this long." Then, he launched into another pleasant-enough rendition of "Wanted Dead or Alive," leading to ... well, on this night, you guessed it: Yet another group hug.

But feel free to spare us: In response to a Seacrest question, LaKisha pronounced kissing Simon Tuesday "good," adding "I'd do it again." The show then cut to the man himself, who I could have sworn mouthed, "I would, too."

That's "with us" as in "on that big screen there": "We also have R&B superstar Robin Thicke with us tonight," Seacrest said while introducing the show. As per the template set out by previous weeks' chart-topping random guests, he sure didn't appear to be there live.

He gets that all the time? During the man-on-the-street segment, Seacrest interviewed a girl who said she liked Chris Richardson in part because he "looks like Justin Timberlake." Judging by Chris's reaction to the whole Justin comment when Seacrest brought it up Tuesday, I'd say that Girl On The Street just officially struck out, thus ruining her (imaginary) shot with him.

Not exactly a classless society, eh? While the two most commercially successful "Idol" winners - Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood - performed on last week's "Idol Gives Back," the other three champions - Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino and Taylor Hicks (Side note: How awesome was it to see Taylor Hicks again?!) were consigned to soliciting "Idol Gives Back" donations in clips shown during Wednesday's show.

Sure about that past tense, Jon? "I dug up this old photograph/Look at all that hair we had," Bon Jovi sang while performing his band's new single, "(You Want To) Make A Memory." Granted, I know it's not the poodle-like 'do he sported back in the '80s, but it sure looks to me like Mr. Bon Jovi still has quite the fine head of hair, haha!

Leave the heavy lifting to Seacrest: "It's gonna be a tough choice," Jon Bon Jovi said as he surveyed the night's second bottom two, Chris and Blake, after performing. "You wanna call it?" Seacrest inquired. "Not on your life, buddy," Bon Jovi said with a laugh.

Next week: Blake and three ladies - Jordin, LaKisha and Melinda - take on the presumably disco-oriented theme of "boogie sounds," with the Bee Gees' Barry Gibb guest-coaching. Is it just me, or can you already hear Blake revving up his computer in anticipation, ready to cook up some beats? ;-)

Givin' rock a good name

2007-05-02T00:27:00.000-04:00

"American Idol" is in plenty of ways the antithesis of rock music. Nor are any of its remaining six contestants natural rock singers. So go figure that, contrary to how it may have appeared at face value, Tuesday's Bon Jovi night ended up as of the best shows of the season - if not in terms of pure singing, then certainly as far as creativity, personality and entertainment value were concerned.

Perhaps that's what happens when the nation's most popular television show recovers from its bout with inspiration and charity and starts being its sly self again. As impressive and kind-hearted and noble as last week's "Idol Gives Back" was - and as awesome as it was that the show raised $70 million for people who desperately need it - "Idol" is at heart a talent show, not a telethon.

And so the show was back where it belonged: Scaled down and focused on music, with anthemic, crowd-pleasing pop-rock and tornadic performances from Melinda and LaKisha, an inventive Blake arrangement that actually amused guest coach Jon Bon Jovi and a barnburning vocal from Phil. Even Jordin's flameout occurred on a grand scale, not in a whimper of Sanjaya-style meekness and weakness. The tone extended to the rest of the evening. Last week, it seemed like half of Hollywood made notable guest appearances. This week? Antonella Barba (Hey, she's from New Jersey! Bon Jovi: Also from New Jersey!) and Gina Glocksen (Hey, she likes rock! Bon Jovi: Also likes rock!) were both shown sitting in the audience at the beginning. Even a Seacrest more like the Seacrest of old decided to show up, boldly revealing more chest than Simon this week (ok, that's only because for once, Seacrest wasn't wearing a tie, and Simon decided to switch things up with a crewneck sweater). And while last week's clip reels showed scenes of poverty from across the world, this week's intro brought us mostly-vintage shots of the handsome, majorly permed Jersey boys in the band leaping around arena stages in tight pants.

The only potentially discordant note appeared right at the end of the show, in a pre-taped message where the President and First Lady thanked Americans, celebrities, contestants and Bono for their "Idol Gives Back" generosity. Not that they shouldn't have done it, and props, I guess, to the Idol producers for aiming big, but it was nonetheless a bit jarring to see the President Bush joking on "American Idol," especially as the remarks arrived four years to the day after his now-infamous "Mission Accomplished" speech (the one on the aircraft carrier). But, anyway, on with the show:

Phil kicked off the proceedings with a totally committed version of "Blaze of Glory," offering a vocal with a huge note at the end that sparked what seemed to be the loudest cheers he's ever received, at least to my ears. "This is the best opening I think we've had all season long," Paula gushed. But I fear all Phil's singing about going out in a blaze of glory may end up being as self-fulfilling as the time when, last year, Elliot Yamin sang about "going home" or some such and then ended up getting voted off that very week. As unquestionably strong as Phil's vocal was, the performance still suffered from his consistent flaw - a lack of personality, and thus, issues with believability. Not that Randy and Paula noticed, of course, but Simon pointed it out - "I don't think you've done enough to last next week," he said. As usual, his honesty was rewarded with a chorus of boos, but I know that in a week where two people have to go, I'd rather lose Phil than pretty much anyone else...especially because LaKisha, the woman who after a string of poor showings figured to be a sure bet to join Phil in the bottom two, reclaimed her former glory with a performance that blew the roof off the studio.

"Are you gonna take it to church tonight?" Seacrest asked LaKisha before she took the stage. "I'm gonna give you a little somethin' somthin'," came the reply. More like a lotta somethin' somthing: Looking sharp in a black tank top with a red waistband, she soulfully pled, belted, stormed and otherwise emoted her way through "This Ain't A Love Song," displaying her talent in a way not seen since her "I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" hit like a thunderclap during the semifinals. Tossing aside memories of recent weeks' derivative performances, she took possession of her song, accompanied by very Bon Jovi instrumentation that served as an appropriate reminder of its roots. "LaKisha, I actually could kiss you after that," Simon said afterward. And then HE DID, providing a sufficient helping of sketchy along with it: "Nice lips, loved it!" he said afterward, after wiping lipstick off his face.

But as the previously-foundering LaKisha took, uh, two steps forward, to paraphrase one of Paula's biggest hits, the usually reliably excellent Jordin took a flying leap backward - hopefully not so far back that it propels her right off the show, but in a week where two contestants will say farewell, nothing is certain. For some reason, she chose "Livin' On A Prayer" and was an uncharacteristically nervious, blubbering mess from the get-go. Yes, "Livin' On A Prayer" is a fantastic song that pretty much everyone knows, but unless you're Jon Bon Jovi himeself, it's also a tune best sung by drunk people in bars. A few other signs an "Idol" performance is doomed: The vocal coach politely says, "Um, this is a very difficult one to sing," as Jon Bon Jovi did, and the clips show the contestant struggling to make a go of it in practice. Jordin expressed optimism she'd be able to get it together for the show, but that didn't happen. Instead, she took to the stage clad in all black, her hair straining for Diana Ross puffiness - an homage to Bon Jovi's old hair, perhaps, haha! - and careened off the rails almost immediately, veering all over the place vocally, offering a plethora of bum notes and borderline screechy tones as loud guitars wailed and bright lights flashed. Whoa. Self-effacing and gregarious as always, she admitted she knew it was a disaster. Paula gave her credit for picking the song even though she knew it was "a little bit out of range," which is basically like commending someone for choosing a totally inappropriate song. Oh, Paula, Queen of Logic! And as much as the judges tried to make excuses for the fact that she's not really a rock singer, that didn't hamper the other contestants. Can you imagine if she'd attempted, say, "Always" instead? It would have been amazing! I'd hate for one bad night to ruin her chances, and I'm sure hoping it won't, but goodness me.

Blake, who has about one-fifth of Jordin's vocal capacity, made up for it in his traditional fashion: With creativity. After announcing he was tackling "You Give Love A Bad Name," he said, "The game plan for it is, uh, I kinda don't even wanna say, 'cause it'll give it away." The strategy left Jon Bon Jovi extremely amused, much to his credit. "Now, I gotta tell you, this is an adventurous rendition," he said. "There's great charm in it, but I gotta tell ya, this is the one that, to me, is rollin' the dice. Sixteen measures of him not singing on a show that's supposed to highlight singers makes me wonder." Yeah, me too - I mean, we'd already seen a clip that incidated there'd be beatboxing involved - but Blake was ready to roll. With hair newly dyed black, he began by pretending to take a record down from a shelf and put it on, interacting with the percussionist and mixing normally sung portions of the song with suspended, electronic/computerized-sounding vocal blips and skips, and, yes, beatboxing. Finishing on a bit of a sultry note, he sent the crowd into a frenzy, including an older fellow in a yellow Hawaiian shirt who totally appeared to be his dad. (Yes, because this is Season Six, any sightings of contestants' immediate families remained unconfirmed, but perhaps we'll see more in the weeks to come.) Improbably, it worked; afterwards, Simon called him "a brave young man" who'd done what it took the stay on the show another week and Randy commended him on "the most original version of a song ever on 'American Idol.'"

At the opposite end of the originality spectrum, meanwhile, sat Chris "Nasally" Richardson. "I know Chris Daughtry did it last year, but you can't go without doing 'Wanted Dead or Alive" on Bon Jovi night," he said, laughing. "Someone had to do it, and if I have to take the rap for it, I'm down." While I admit that's not the world's worst rationale for choosing a song, the music was absolutely unsuited to his usually smooth, high, thin voice. He appeared to be giving the performance his all, but added little, if anything, of note to the original. The first "only the names have chaaaaaanged" was utterly painful, and it didn't exactly improve from there. Though Randy made excuses by saying it was hard to sing rock, "you did your thing" and "that was nice, baby," and Paula advised him "you don't have anything to worry about taking the rap," I'm thinking that this may well end up being the week that on a steel horse he rides...right out of town.

Fortunately, Melinda galloped in to the rescue with the unapologetic "Have A Nice Day." "I am so bad at rock, I'm just now learning," she admitted at the beginning of her practice clip. But as Jon Bon Jovi sweetly noted, "You've already got the soul, you've got the pipes - just gotta own it!" So, ever the apt pupil, she did, taking the stage as if on a mission to kick ass, sort-of grinding with the guitarist, and fiercely declaring lines like "I ain't gonna do what I don't want to" with major-league soulfulness - or, "Tina Turner attitude," as Randy described it. Even if the tune didn't exactly show off her voice as some of her more old-fashioned song choices, it gave her an opportunity to show a completely different side of herself, and it absolutely succeeded. "You're a rock star!" Paula bubbled. And if that may not be true at the moment, at least she showed a lot of people it was possible - which is a whole lot more than could have been said for her just a month ago.

Boyish enthusiasm 1, hard-edged rock cred, -5! Not that anyone could have accused Phil of being sullen or moody in the past, but his excitement about this week's theme made his previous weeks' demeanor appear positively morose. "Holy moly, I'm jammin' with Bon Jovi!" he exclaimed before his performance. "I was the kid who sang this song in the mirror with my comb in my hand, you know. I've practiced this song for 15 years," he said, stating a fact evident not only in his words, but also in the fact this season's bald wonder doesn't appear to have had use for a comb in nearly as long. :-P

And hey, did he ever mention that he played in Journey? Oh, wait... "I actually recorded that song for Jon Bon Jovi, I played bass on that," Randy told Phil after he sang "Blaze of Glory." "That was the problem with that song," Simon interjected.

Thanks for rubbing it in, Seacrest: "Gina is back with us, she'll be on the (summer tour), and it's rock week - that must be killing you," Seacrest told a smiling Gina Glocksen as he stood in the aisle next to her seat. Fortunately, this season's prematurely booted rocker girl took it in stride, burying her head in her hands in what appeared to be mock angiush.

Greetings from the land of "That's gotta make him feel old": "Oh my gosh! My mom is gonna flip out! She got me into y'all, so I'm just - " 17-year-old Jordin blubbered as she met Bon Jovi.

So, does "a lot of people" also include Jon Bon Jovi? "He has to sell his interpretation of a song that a lot of people know and don't want messed with," Bon Jovi said, describing Blake's revamp of "You Give Love A Bad Name."

Er, so which is it? Audience members Tuesday sure did like their signs that rhymed "Blake" with something, such as "Blake Takes The Cake," or, more divertingly, two identical hot pink signs reading "Blake Is The Cake." Is the cake?

Yeah, must have been tough to "endure": "An artist like the band Bon Jovi, they've endured monumental success," Paula said after Blake's performance.

Hey, he could have compared you to Joey Fatone: "Welcome back to 'American Idol,' it is Ryan Seacrest here with Justin Timberlake," Seacrest said as he sat with, uh, well, unfortunately not JT, but Chris Richardson, who looked 100% unamused at the remark. (Hey, he could have taken it as a compliment...JT's no slouch, dude!) Seacrest must have also picked up on that vibe, because he quickly added, "Say hi to Chris, say hi to Chris!"

Jinx avoidance, anyone? "What do you say to yourself before you walk out on that stage in front of the millions watching," a viewer asked Chris Richardson. "Just have fun. Make it like it's the last - you know, just have fun, man, it's all about - just have fun," he said. Funny how a guy as familiar with the bottom three as Chris opted not to complete that thought about "make it like it's the last," haha!

Jon Bon...gospel singer? "Just testify, it's church!" Bon Jovi advised Melinda as he coached her on "Have A Nice Day." Her reaction was probably one of the funniest occurrences of the night: "He was like, honey, take it to church. And I was like, 'Ok, I like church!'"

Results: On a normal night, I'd cross my fingers and hope we bid adieu to Chris or Phil. But because two people are set to head home this week, based on the combined total of this week's and last week's votes, the results could get very screwy indeed. For instance, what will happen to those who were great this week and lame the last, a la LaKisha? Or vice versa, like Jordin? Ultimately, based on both weeks' performances and chances for future improvement and potential, it should be Phil and Chris getting the hook. But somehow, I can't picture "Idol" results being that logical (or in accordance with my personal wishes, for that matter). Wednesday should be interesting, but let's just say I'm hoping to avoid a binding repeat of last week's fake-out, where Seacrest made Jordin think she'd been eliminated...

Charity head case

2007-04-25T22:15:00.000-04:00

For a show devoted to helping needy children, American Idol's two-hour "Idol Gives Back" special sure had an interesting way of showing it. I may be wrong about this, but I'm thinking that the surest example came at about 9:35 Wednesday, when we witnessed Celine Dion take the stage for a prerecorded duet with a clip/hologram/mirage of Elvis, singing "If I Can Dream," from his 1968 comeback special. Before you even begin to mull that over, let's back up and ask ourselves: Who ever decided this was a good idea? Or, more accurately, perhaps, who swallowed a staggering haul of hallucinogenic mushrooms?
"Now, prepare to be startled, prepare for magnificence, prepare for a duet you thought was impossible," Ryan Seacrest said in his introduction. "Celine Dion is traveling back to the year she was born, 1968, to sing with a man who is and always will be the world's greatest idol." Yes, "thought was impossible" for good reason, because one of the participants is dead. Also, even if Elvis were still with us, would we really want him duetting with Celine Dion? And furthermore, see how we are totally not thinking about underprivileged children anymore?
Awkwardly mixing AI's trademark hyper-commercialism and "results" with genuinely moving material, Wednesday's show didn't so much give back as ricochet all over the place. By juxtaposing its normal, frivolous routine with clips of people in the direst of straits - dying of AIDS or malaria, or struggling to reclaim their lives in the wake of Hurricane Katrina - it often unintentionally dropped reminders that real hardship involves a whole lot more than getting ejected from a popular reality show. To the program's credit, though, it at least managed to involve itself with, and finish off the night with help from, someone who's been credibly wedding pop music with idealism and charity for a long, long time: Bono, who met the Top Six and provided some inspiring words the contestants likely took to heart.
Anyway, I've tried to come up with an equation that could even come close to encapsulating the show that was, and although this may be imprecise, I'll give it a whirl: Live Aid (or Live 8, your choice!) + the Telethon of your choice - most tastefulness + (Ryan Seacrest, Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul) + a dash of the dizzy randomness of last season's "Idol" finale + Sanjaya in the audience + commercials for "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" = "Idol Gives Back."
Just like "Idol" itself, the charity appeal wasn't exactly bursting with radical activism. Instead, it approached issues with middle-of-the-road, inoffensive, universal appeal. Throughout the night, Seacrest dutifully credited a list of sponsors that read like a roll call of corporate America, sometimes with ironic results. Was that segment on Hurricane Katrina really brought to us by Allstate, the insurance giant currently battling more than a few lawsuits from Gulf Coast homeowners who argue the company hasn't sufficiently compensated them for their losses? Oh, but it was.
Wednesday also had its own reminder of '80s charity-pop idealism in the new, globally inclined Quincy Jones ballad, "Time To Care," which the contestants sang live. It had Carrie Underwood, Rascal Flatts, Il Divo, and a bizarre laundry list of celebrities lip-synching to "Stayin' Alive." (Why? I'm still trying to figure, too.) It had "Idol" judges meeting with the impoverished. And because of, well, what it was, it ended up with collisions like the night's first celebrity appeal for donations, courtesy of Will & Grace star Eric McCormack: "If every person who voted for Sanjaya gave just one dollar, we could do so much good." Or this Randy Jackson voice-over in a clip that followed clips of jubliant "Idol" auditioners with shots of suffering New Orleanians gathering at the Superdome in the wake of Hurricane Katrina: "August 31, 2004, New Orleans, Louisiana. That day, 9,000 hopefuls lined up in front of the Superdome. Exactly one year later, Katrina would unleash her horror, and another crowd would gather here."
Also present: plenty of abrupt transitions, like, "Hey look, it's Oscar winner Forest Whitaker sending his congratulations from Uganda! Oh, wait, it's Seacrest saying 'time for the results!'" Yeah, about the results, or lack thereof: Even Seacrest, usually the master of suspense, couldn't keep that cat in the bag. After about the first of five times he promised "the most shocking result in our history," I figured the only result shocking enough to fit that description would be for no one to get kicked off. (By the way, Entertainment Weekly's Idol watcher totally called it in his recap of Tuesday's show.) Or, as Seacrest himself put it later, "How can we let anybody go on a charity night?" Ok, point taken, but why, then, did he act like the elimination suspense was necessary to keep people watching, continuing to drag out the "results" charade for two hours? What does that say about the producers' opinion of the Idol nation's charitable impulses?
Ellen DeGeneres also totally gave it away in, like, the first five minutes of the show, when she asked, "There's six people, one's gonna get kicked off, what's shocking?" Oh, foreshadowing, you do have a funny way of rearing your head! Anyway, once LaKisha was safe, it became pretty clear no one was going home. The contestants sure didn't seem surprised by the outcome; when Chris and Jordin were only two remaining, they appeared to be stifling smiles because they were in on the scheme. Once Seacrest announced they were all safe, they convened for a group hug, but they shouldn't get too comfy: All the warm fuzziness of the evening just delayed the inevitable, and so two people will head home next week. Oooh, double elimination! I bet Seacrest is already plotting how to handle that one.

Anyway, let's break it down a bit...

The hilarious:

When Jack Black, kinetic and semi-possessed as usual, and looking every bit the scruffy dude who just got off the couch after a nap and a few beers, took to the stage and began to warble Seal's "Kiss From A Rose." (Yeah, that was definitely his partner in Tenacious D, Kyle Gass, in the audience, clutching a rose.) Best line by far: When JB shooed off Seacrest on his way to singing, saying, "No way, Cresty! Get outta here, dude. I've been dreaming about this for so long, I've been trying to do this, and I want to be judged by this jury panel." Second-best line: "(The song) is from Batman Returns, the most sensitive of all the Batmans."
When, after Jack Black departed, Seacrest said "Back to the real talent on this stage," and asked about the contestants' fate. Dude, Seacrest, wasn't Jack Black the real talent on that stage?
When the animated Simon, playing a contestant in a "Simpsons" parody of "Idol" auditions, fell through a trapdoor, leading Bart to proclaim, "Lions haven't eaten this well since Dunkleman!" (Referring, of course, to the Idol co-host who unceremoniously departed after season one.

The head-scratching:

Earth, Wind & Fire starting the musical portion of the show with a medley that included that noted charity classic, "Boogie Wonderland," as well as "Shining Star" and "Dancing in September."
That bit with Ben Stiller, who was game, but is usually a lot funnier.
That odd transatlantic waver in Michigan native Madonna's voice, as she appealed for donations in a clip filmed in Malawi.
So very many of the guest appearances.

The genuinely good and quite possibly moving, despite the show's overall ridiculousness:

Josh Groban and the African Children's Choir singing "You Raise Me Up." Even though I would be perfectly content to live the rest of my life without ever hearing that song again, the performance was actually really touching, especially with the sweet-natured children harmonizing. Much to my surprise, I was moved. Curses, American Idol and your expertly manipulating ways!
Kelly Clarkson singing a "Up To The Mountain," with Jeff Beck on guitar. The guitar playing? Awesome. Clarkson's singing? Warm, soulful and emotional. (Take that, other "Idols.") And the way the song began with minimal accompaniment and slowly built? Expert.
Annie Lennox, because she's Annie Lennox and her voice is just that special, not to mention dignified.
The purposefully heart-rending footage from impoverished areas of the U.S. and Africa that the judges and Seacrest didn't intrude on too heavily. No matter how strange the evening was, the show deserves props for shining a pretty huge spotlight on areas of the nation and world that are too often out of sight, among them the slums and orphanages of Kenya, FEMA trailer parks in Louisiana and the Appalachian coal country of eastern Kentucky. "You just had to have a strong back and a weak mind when I was growing up, 'cause you could get a job doing something, but now, it's a whole lot different," an older Kentucky man said in the latter segment. Then, a largely illiterate mother spoke of the pride she feels at hearing her daughter read. If even a small number of AI's 30 million viewers saw that and thought about what it meant, and were moved to make a difference somehow, then perhaps that whole Celine and Elvis thing is worth forgiving after all. ;-)

Less than inspiring

2007-04-24T22:33:00.000-04:00

How do you laugh at a charity television show? Moreover, should you?

I must admit, I sort of asked myself that question before sitting down for Tuesday's "American Idol" - or, as Ryan Seacrest called it, simply "Idol Gives Back," the first in a two-night run devoted to assisting the impoverished in the United States and Africa. But then I began watching the program, and the answer hit me: Seacrest! Because, see, wherever Ryan Seacrest is involved, awkward moments - and, thus, incidents worth lampooning - are sure to follow, even if they are surrounded by sacred cows. When a show begins with the host saying "The calls you make will not only save your favorite contestants, they will also save lives," well, you know the game is definitely on, even if multiple instances of fresh-faced youngsters talking about their hopes for changing the world also followed.

In all seriousness, you won't catch me ridiculing the starving children in Africa or the struggling American communities shown Tuesday. No matter how much or little Paula Abdul & Co. can or cannot do to assist them, I hope the show does rake in a ton of dough for admittedly deserving causes. Even if it's sometimes hard to accept Seacrest and Simon as 100% sincere, their trip to Africa - which we heard about for the 100th time Tuesday - appears to spring from noble intentions. (By the way, "Idol" producers, is it just me, or aren't there, you know, countries in Africa? Where exactly were Simon and Seacrest?) Bonus: Instead of ripping contestants' vocal stylings or lack thereof, Simon was shown criticizing something considerably more substantial. "This is just intolerable, this is just terrible conditions," he said while touring a malaria treatment facility.

That said, there was plenty else ripe for the picking, such as: 1) Seacrest repeatedly praising Fox parent company News Corp.'s generosity for offering to donate 10 cents to charity for each "Idol" vote, up to $5 million. The media conglomerate's 2006 profit: $2.3 billion. Not that I'm scoffing at $5 million for charity, but comparatively speaking, especially with all this talk about "giving back"? And News Corp. is profiting from "Idol" as it is. 2) Simon visiting a Los Angeles food pantry and expressing surprise that there were hungry people - and generous volunteers - in the U.S. And, well, of course, 3) the performances themselves, which while no means the worst the show has ever seen, certainly weren't the most thrilling, either. The theme may have been "Inspirational Songs," but the only thing the program inspired me to do was go to bed earlier, because I'm telling you, I was pretty drowsy after that one.

Lord help me, after finding out about Tuesday's theme, I was totally expecting a schlockfest of the epic proportions. The category appeared tailor-made for the sort of bombastic ballads "Idol" winners usually sing when they learn they've won and confetti is fluttering around them onstage, not to mention "Idol" staples such as "I Believe I Can Fly." (No, but seriously, where was the "I Believe I Can Fly" Tuesday? Come on now, people! What kind of Inspirational Night are you running here? Then again, no, no, just kidding, we must be careful what we wish for...) Instead, many contestants (boys, I'm looking your way) opted for laid-back numbers. And the girls largely picked lower-profile songs, shunning blockbuster ballads from recent years. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, because in a way it allowed contestants to be themselves. At the same time, who ever said all inspirational songs have to be ballads? Anyway, perhaps I was off by one night on the whole "schlockfest" thing, because Wednesday's two-hour spectacular promises a packed-to-the-gills guestlist, plus "one of the biggest shocks we've ever had on American Idol." Oh, goodness.

Although Seacrest started off the evening by promising us "six classics," Seacrest is a man who tends to oversell things. So instead, we got Chris Richardson tackling Eric Clapton's "Change The World," which was just fine, if you like Chris Richardson - hey, the judges really did - because he was basically in peak form. He chose an optimal song, then sang it blandly enough, with a few smooth runs thrown in.

Blake, meanwhile, went with John Lennon's "Imagine," a pretty gutsy choice that allowed him to stick to the theme and his guns at the same time, without selling out his ideals and personality. The song kind of dragged along, but then again, that's sort of the kind of song it is: As Simon rightly noted, "It didn't really go anywhere," but also "it's not a song you can belt out." It was a tough tightrope to walk, and Blake didn't fall off; instead, he managed it with sincerity.

And then there was Phil, whose version of Garth Brooks' "The Change" didn't strike me as terribly winning - he can still look so pained up there onstage - even if the vocals stood strong. The judges praised the performance, though, with Randy enthusing, "Two in a row! Two in a row!" after mentioning it was Phil's second decent performance in as many weeks.

The girls headed down a slightly more traditional path. In Faith Hill's "There Will Come a Day," Melinda chose a modern song for the second straight week, which surely must have set some kind of record. Though it didn't quite show off her voice as much as some of the other songs she's chosen, she again proved she can tackle pretty much anything and come away accomplished. The tune's message seemed to resonate with the crowd, too.

Then there's LaKisha. Oh, LaKisha, you're an amazing singer, but are you asking to get kicked off the show? Because that's one of the few explanations I can devise for why, seven days after you sang Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take The Wheel" and barely survived to sing another week, you picked "I Believe," the song Fantasia Barrino performed after she was crowned the Season Three winner. (Picture me, like, slapping myself in the forehead, uttering the phrase, "D'oh!") Because clearly, there are few other inspirational songs in pop music, and few other songs to sing than those originated by past "Idol" winners.

Which leaves us with the one performance of the night that actually did provide some inspiration - not to mention hope that this season still could turn out just fine. As usual, Jordin sailed in to save us, taking on Rodgers and Hammerstein's "You'll Never Walk Alone," with considerable sensitivity and depth after overcoming some rough patches in her lower register early on, as she attempted to start the song by singing softly. At the end - the end of the night, as it happened, since she was going last - she hit a monster note and just held it, without unnecessary melisma or vocal acrobatics. Though the judges have never really panned her, it does seem that with each week, she's almost forcing them, through her performances, to acknowledge her talent more and more. "I think that's one of the best vocals by any contestant ever on this series, in six seasons," Randy said. And on a night where the contrast between serious matters and "Idol" frivolity sometimes stood out, that sure hit the right tone.

Wait, could that be because Sanjaya's gone? "It kind of feels that the competition starts properly tonight," Simon said after Chris Richardson kicked off Tuesday's performances.

Haha, way to inquire: "You're not gonna look surprised, are you?" Simon asked Melinda after her performance, which he proceeded to lavish praise upon.

"Great song choice"? Only if it's opposites day: "It was another great song choice by you," Randy told LaKisha after she, uh, chose a Fantasia song the week after choosing a Carrie Underwood track, neither of which really vaulted her to the heights of "Idol" glory. Could he really have meant that?

Oh Seacrest, you know "Idol" fame is fleeting: Seacrest brought the awkward late in this exchange with Phil, which came as Phil answered a viewer question that asked what he missed most about home:

Phil: "My two little babies ... they're usually here with me, but they haven't been for the last couple of weeks. They're with their grandparents in Oklahoma. But, you know, even though it's hard being away from 'em, we knew in the long run it'll be all worth it. This is gonna make a better life for them, so - "

Seacrest: "Because Daddy's famous! (correcting himself) Daddy's becoming famous."

Simon doesn't exactly know the feeling: "If you can connect now with (confidence and good tone), you could actually do very well in this show, because I think people like you," he told Phil.

Yeah, definitely more important than that "911" thing, or "The baby was just born!" or "Happy birthday, Mom!": "This could be one of the most important calls you ever make," Seacrest said, explaining that money raised by "Idol Gives Back" goes to help people in need. No, really? A related thought: Oh, Seacrest, master of hyperbole.

Bottom three: Just a guess, but I'm thinking LaKisha, Blake and maybe Phil? I'm not sure about much on that front, except that I suspect LaKisha is endangered following a few less-than-rousing performances.

Bye-bye-a, Sanjaya

2007-04-19T01:25:00.000-04:00

Tra la la! It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, "Idol" nation. Heck, just go ahead and cue up "Happy Trails," for Sanjaya - and his ever-changing coif - have hit the road, leaving in their wake memories of wacky performances and hairstylists run amok. (Fare thee well, ponyhawk!)

In plenty of ways, Wednesday's Sanjaya ouster was the event Season Six viewers had been anticipating: Based on singing ability, the sweet-natured 17-year-old from Washington state was out of his depth, and it was clearly his time to go. That'd been the case for weeks - indeed, that he even made the finals was both hilarious and astounding - but perhaps the cumulative effect reached critical mass after Tuesday's performance, causing viewers to finally realize they'd about had their fill of whispery vocals as thin as Sanjaya himself and should halt the joyride before it went any further. Simon, for one, made no attempt to conceal his glee at Sanjaya's predicament Wednesday, grinning ear to ear and holding his hands skyward, almost exultantly, once he saw Sanjaya in the bottom three. "I'm beginning to sense something here," he allowed, looking every bit the cat that swallowed the canary.

Yet even if Sanjaya did overstay his welcome, I was never really able to muster much outrage about his continued presence. After all, he was nothing if not entertaining - ok, well, occasionally just painful, but entertaining, too - a commodity that's been hard to come by in this lackluster season. Because it was readily apparent he'd be gone well before the finals rolled around, I figured there was no problem with a little comic relief. Sanjaya took to that role with aplomb, capitalizing on his big smile and gentle wit. And let's give credit where credit is due, because he was totally in on the joke. Now, with the likes of Phil and Chris left, I suspect the show will be considerably blander, not to mention less buzzed about because its water-cooler phenomenon has departed.

Otherwise, the attempts to fill space Wednesday began early and often - come on, did anyone really think Simon was rolling his eyes at Chris' Virginia-related comment Tuesday? And even if so, did we really need a video-clip filled rehash proving that he was in fact rolling his eyes at something Paula said (a much more logical outcome anyway)? Hello, manufactured "controversy"! Besides, Simon had already clarified the situation verbally, which on a half-hour show surely would have been enough. Despite that, though, for reasons I can't really understand, the whole package proved a whole lot more amusing - and passed far more quickly - this week than last, for reasons I can't really understand.

Seacrest again attempted man-on-the-street commentary, and if his attempts at banter weren't exactly a cut above last week's - seriously, we do not need two straight weeks of you making bald jokes when talking to bald men about Phil - at least he picked a busier street that actually appeared to have, oh, I don't know, people on it, including at least one bearded, neo-hippie-looking guy who advised Chris to "keep smoldering." And the contestants' group sing-along, to Jo Dee Messina's "I'm Alright," was harmonious and full of life, which is far more than could be said for last week's attempt.

Then we were privy to a zero percent surprising peek into the contestants' CD collections - what, Melinda and LaKisha listen to gospel? Blake is digging the new Incubus album? Jordin is likin' Fergie's "Glamorous" (or should I spell it out G-L-A-M-O-R-OUS, as she does in the song, haha!)? Well, Jordin, did Seacrest have a treat for you - a totally not live, pre-taped performance of Fergie singing some song (wait, I've looked it up, it's called "Big Girls Don't Cry") that for the most part lacked a melody. Still, not bad.

But that and much that came afterward was no match for the dizzyingly funny elimination theatrics. (If I may mention a still-notable omission: if we can have a show filled with 50 minutes of filler, is it too unreasonable to expect we'll learn something more about the contestants and their backgrounds along the way, as in past seasons?)

After Seacrest divided the contestants into two baffling groups - Phil, Jordin and Chris in one, and LaKisha, Sanjaya and Blake in the other - Melinda remained standing at center stage.

Being learned in things Seacrest, I figured I knew what was coming next: He'd ask her to walk over to the group she thought was safe, thus forcing a cruel, no-win decision. "Oh, Seacrest, don't make Melinda choose!" I thought. "Jordin cannot be in the bottom three!" But then, Seacrest informed Melinda she was safe, so she didn't have to go to either group ... right? Au contraire. "Now, I'm gonna ask you to do one more thing," Seacrest said, proceeding to ask her the very question I'd feared. "No! No! Don't do it, Melinda! Don't choose!" I urged. And she didn't! For once a contestant stands up to Seacrest! Or, rather, sat down, because Melinda plopped herself cross-legged right in the middle of the stage, causing me to feel definitely more than a little vicarious pride. Seacrest, to his credit, perhaps expecting this, reasoned "That's fair," and proceeded to ask Melinda to slide to the left - toward safety, and Jordin, Phil and Chris, leaving a bottom three of Sanjaya, LaKisha and Blake.

Of that trio, only Blake's presence was surprising, but not for a minute did I or anyone else, I suspect, believe he'd be the one to head home. Sure enough, following Martina McBride's gorgeous performance of her new single, "Anyway" - replete with beautiful, beautiful vocals and inspiring, prescient lyrics she directed at the contestants ("You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in that tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang/Sing it anyway, sing it anyway") - the show's resident beatboxer returned to safety. Left onstage the odd couple to end all odd couples, a combination that would make no sense in any context but "Idol": Sanjaya and LaKisha, dissimilar in stature, vocal talent and pretty much everything else in life, save for their status as "Idol" finalists. And, well, we all know how that turned out. (Let's hope it serves as a wake-up call for LaKisha, too, eh?)

After Seacrest lowered the boom, Sanjaya received a big, long hug from LaKisha. Then, we all got to relive "Sanjaya's journey," witnessing a clip reel packed with hilarity, including many guest coaches' musings on the Tao of Sanjaya. (If that wasn't enough of a commentary on his singing, I should also point out that his original audition was glaringly absent from the recap.) "Sanjaya, to me, is love," Diana Ross philosophized at the end of the farewell clip. Perhaps, but Sanjaya, to us, is gone - though definitely not soon forgotten, as Seacrest aptly noted. As his fellow contestants looked on, appearing surprisingly stunned and devastated by news of his ouster, he took another crack at Bonnie Raitt's "Something To Talk About," substituting the line, "Let's give 'em something to talk about, other than haaaaiiiiir" for much of the chorus. The look on Simon's face as that transpired? Priceless. Kind of like the whole Sanjaya experience, when you think about it.

That's a mighty long bend of which you speak: "Your results are right around the bend," Seacrest said at 9:05 ... a full 50 minutes before the results arrived.

Melinda's sense of humor, where have you been all this time? "I gotta get my Jesus on during the day, you know what I'm sayin'?" she said while explaining that she'd been listening to Gospel recently. "Because when I come in here, it's a hot mess with these people."

One of these things is not like the other: That prankster Chris had a trick up his sleeve when he said that lately, he'd been enjoying Maroon 5, Jason Mraz and ... well ... "My favorite thing that's in my CD player right now - check this out," he said, leaning over to retrieve - wait, what's he holding up? Why yes, it's a copy of past "Idol" guest coach Peter Noone's album "Herman's Hermits, Greatest Hits Live." "Watch out for this one, he did, he saved my life," Chris said. Phil couldn't resist piling on: "I've got a couple of extra copies, if anybody wants to contact me."

Wow, that's totally weird, enjoying a musical legend of sorts: Correct me if I heard this wrong, but while explaining that he'd been listening to a lot of Willie Nelson lately, didn't Phil say something like "I know it might sound strange, but he's great." Well, actually, it doesn't sound that strange, precisely because a) he is great and b) Phil, you've said you like listening to country rock. :-P

Oooh, if we team up, we can't lose! "It's a chance for you and Corporate America to give back here and in Africa," Seacrest said, in another of his endless plugs for next week's "Idol Gives Back" extravaganza. Me and Corporate America? Wheee! What an irresistible pairing! But hey, Ry, what about that ever-so-effective middleman we call "American Idol"?

One major case of "American Idol totally topping itself," coming up: If you thought last year's finale - you know, the one with Meat Loaf, Prince, Toni Braxton, David Hasselhoff crying, etc. - was as bonkers and absolutely random as television got, the "Idol" team appears set to outdo itself with "Idol Gives Back." So far, according to the show, the guest list includes Hugh Grant, Keira Knightley, Annie Lennox, Oscar winner Helen Mirren, Daniel Radcliffe of "Harry Potter" fame - random thought, but have the show's Brits been, like, calling in a host of personal favors or something? Hmm! - Rascal Flatts, Earth, Wind & Fire, Carrie Underwood, Kelly Clarkson, Pink, Gwen Stefani, Il Divo, Josh Groban, Borat (what is he going to do?!), Teri Hatcher (even though she's long past that whole weird "making out with Seacrest" phase), Oscar winner Forest Whitaker, Celine Dion (now there's a guest who truly makes sense - no, really) and, according to Seacrest, "a duet you'll have to see to believe, when two of the biggest stars in musical history come together on our stage." Could this be the rumored collaboration with Michael Jackson? But would that really happen on a night devoted to helping underprivileged children? I mean, poor taste alert! And besides, even if so, who would the duet partner be? I mean, the world has already experienced him paired with Paul McCartney, years ago, on "The Girl Is Mine." So many questions, so many opportunities to say "What?", so many of which will, I suspect, be answered in off-the-wall fashion (no Jackson pun intended) on next week's shindig.

Mad for plaid: Even if he was all dressed up like Inspector Gadget in last night's commercial - to A Flock of Seagulls' "I Ran" - Blake's penchant for plaid shone through ... sure enough, he was sporting checkered pants. Hurrah, Team Plaid!

Yes, that was ... Season Five finalist and Rockingham native Bucky Covington, who just released an album, sitting in the audience.

Unintentionally hilarious question of the night: "Paula, your thoughts?" Seacrest asked as the bottom three was revealed. As usual, Paula spilled platitudes until finally sputtering, "I understand why two of you are up there."

Seacrest, points for self-awareness: "I'm sitting here with your bottom three this week, and of course they want me to get on with things, but this is 'American Idol,' so I can't right now," Seacrest said roughly two-thirds of the way through Wednesday's show, making a hilarious gesture that seemed to indicate "stretching things out."

Seacrest, demerits for time management: Wait, how is it that a show that's pretty much all filler starts to run out of time, as Seacrest indicated right after his brief "Shrek The Third"-related interview with Antonio Banderas?

Precociousness in action: Martina McBride's 9-year-old daughter, Emma, who briefly shared the stage with her mom, sure didn't know the meaning of stage fright. "Martina, there is the bottom three over there," Seacrest said. "Yeah, I know," Emma replied. "I was talking to Mom," Seacrest said. "Oh, sorry, everybody's really really good!" the kid cracked back. "Thanks, Paula," Seacrest said dryly.

Seacrest, meet the competition: "Who do you think is headed home tonight?" Seacrest asked Martina McBride. "Well, I can't make that decision," she said uber-diplomatically. "America's already made that decision, and we'll find out after the break." Oh, she totally stole Ryan's line!

A gang o' twang

2007-04-17T22:21:00.000-04:00

About halfway through Tuesday's "American Idol," Simon Cowell had just called Chris Richardson's performance "inconsequential" and Chris, after snottily attempting to defend himself, dropped a sudden reminder of how ultimately inconsequential the whole show is, however popular it may be: Mentioning that he had lots of friends at Virginia Tech and was praying for them. Sure enough, you could see it - the real world, poking its head in, awkwardly pricking the "Idol" bubble, reminding us, however briefly, that there is so much in life that matters so much more.

Like other so-called reality shows, "American Idol" isn't usually that real at all, existing to a large extent in its own peculiar universe where true reality rarely intrudes. But as a live television broadcast that's ostensibly a reflection of all of us, a celebration of normal people and the rare sort of program that brings a huge swath of the country together, the show has to acknowledge an outside event as compelling and horrifying as that at Virginia Tech this week. And so it did, and even if the contrast was often awkward, it was better than pretending nothing had occurred. Seacrest starting the show before a darkened background, somberly mentioning the tragedy, and Simon interrupting his comments to Blake provided further jarring reminders.

Yet as much as national grief made it hard to fully revel in Idol's ridiculousness, the show in a way fulfilled its role more than ever, providing a needed sort of fizzy pop culture escape/communal bonding experience, and reinforcing why we seek such entertainment in the first place. If we can still laugh and get a kick out of teens and twentysomethings attempting glorified karaoke, then I think it's a good sign. Anyway, if you're the most popular TV program in the country, the show must and with few exceptions should go on - hey, there's always cable for all news, all the time, and besides, "Dancing With The Stars" forged ahead, too - and so we ended up with last night's "Idol." If the mood was perhaps tempered slightly, with all those proclamations of "dawg" striking an even sourer note than usual, the theme was totally appropriate: Country. And we're not talking outlaw country and the likes of Johnny Cash. Oh, no. With help from guest coach Martina McBride, the contestants largely stuck to the earnest, unironic, radio-friendly variety, with songs about missing Mayberry and Jesus taking the wheel. Though none of the Top 7 had previously expressed much love for the genre overall, they acquitted themselves surprisingly well, giving us what was probably among the better performance shows of a generally underwhelming season.

Dude, why didn't you say so before? "This is my genre, this is what I want to do," Phil said after his well-received performance of Keith Urban's "Where the Blacktop Ends." Um, refresh my memory, but has Phil previously expressed any sort of interest in country, or performed in a country style? I guess his "Tobacco Road" might qualify, but otherwise...

Speaking of, you're just now realizing? "This is the first time since we have met where I actually believe, based on that performance, you could win 'American Idol,'" Simon told Jordin after her, like, tenth consecutive really awesome performance.

Yep, they totally showed Constantine sitting in the audience before Sanjaya took the stage: Oh, Season Four's resident greasy-haired, sorta-slimy rocker dude, I have but one word for you: Ewww.

Next up, "My Favorite Things," "I Feel Pretty" and "Walkin' on Sunshine"? "If you could make one of the judges sing a song, who would you pick and what would you make them sing?" a viewer asked Sanjaya, who was ready with a reply: "Um, I'd make Simon Cowell sing (R.E.M.'s) "Shiny Happy People" so he could show his true personality." The remark, needless to say, prompted major-league grins from both Simon and Sanjaya.

Yep, he's in on the joke, part 56: "I chose this song because I often give a lot of people something to talk about, and I thought it would be fun to actually say that," said the show's Mr. Self-Aware Entertainer himself, Sanjaya, before taking on Bonnie Raitt's, uh, "Something To Talk About."

That'd be the "I'm twice your age, strange child" look: How ridiculous was it when Sanjaya went over to the backup singers and gave the one closest to him a saucy look? Not as funny as the expression she shot back!

I often ask myself the same thing: I give you Randy's comments to Sanjaya, verbatim: "Alright so check it out, dawg, check it out, man, just keeping it most real, you know the dawg always keeps it real, man, that was really just like karaoke, dude. Vocally it really wasn't good at all. It was very bland and boring for me. Just to be honest, I mean, to be honest, come on, what are we doin' up here? Paula, what are we doin'?"

Petulant, meet poignant: One minute, Chris Richardson was trying to make the case to Simon that "I don't know if you knew that or not, (but) nasally is a form of singing." Uh huh. And then he abruptly leapt to the other end of the spectrum, saying that he was sending prayers to Virginia Tech, where he has a lot of friends.

Top of the heap: Jordin. Elegant in a long red dress, with her hair elegantly swept up, she delivered Martina McBride's "A Broken Wing" with total conviction, hitting plenty of huge notes along the way. And, yeah, as Randy is fond of mentioning every week, she's just 17. Melinda. Goodness, all I can say is "about time." Finally, she put it all together and really capitalized on her considerable talent, looking her age with stylin' clothes, hair and makeup, picking a fun, modern song, and singing it with sass. As if that wasn't enough, in his remarks afterward, Simon spoke for many with his priceless admonition: "You have to lose this 'Who? What? I'm a great singer?'" Oh, so very true! My pet Melinda peeve for weeks now! (Anyone else seen the "The Soup" parody of Melinda's many expressions of humility? Please, tell me you have!) She took the comment well, and did appear to contain herself after that, offering a kind smile instead of the usual display of "ohmigosh, this is all so shocking!"

Eh: LaKisha. Though her take on a past "Idol" winner's song - in this case, Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take The Wheel" - wasn't abysmal and didn't evoke thoughts of "oh, crap," unlike, say, when Lisa Tucker attempted Kelly Clarkson last season, it wasn't the greatest fit. True to form, she really belted out parts of the tune, but there wasn't any middle ground; she was either demure and quiet or on the verge of shouting, with little transition to speak of. So when Simon told her she was once the one to beat, the one who blew everyone away, and now must choose better songs if she hopes to recapture that, well, he hit the mark. Blake. His choice of Tim McGraw's "When The Stars Go Blue" was a good one, and he did try to really sing it (which isn't always the case in the land o' Blake). The problem was, that exposed some of his vocal weaknesses - ooh, those high notes could be mighty shaky - leading to a performance that was just ok. I do love his continuing commitment to plaid fashion, though (this week's entry, a black-and-white sweater vest)!

Bottom three: Seriously, did you remember Phil by the end of the show? Because I sure didn't. To be sure, he was plenty better than last week - in fact, this was probably one of his better nights overall - and actually seemed to have a genuine connection to the song he was singing, even if he did look like an "Addams Family" castoff, with his all-black outfit and gleaming bald head. But on an absolute scale, he's still mired in forgettable territory. Chris Richardson, meanwhile, may also be in trouble after following up last week's surprisingly good performance with a version of Rascal Flatts' "Mayberry" - a decent song, mind you - that mostly served as another reminder of how bland and unimpressive he can be. In the clip before he took the stage, he reminded us he was from Virginia and grew up in North Carolina, "so I have those country roots." But I don't care where you're from - "nasally" is not really a desirable form of singing. And then there's Sanjaya. Dare I say it, but could it be his week to go? "My goal this week is to just do Bonnie Raitt justice," he said. Dude, justice was not served, though I guess it still could be if Sanjaya ends up getting the boot. Even if his performance wasn't quite as poor as the judges described, it in no way fell into the "good" category, either. Try as he might - and he did seem to be trying this week - he has no range. At the same time, based on sheer entertainment value, I still think I'd rather see another week of him than of Phil, but based on singing alone, it's no contest.

Haley clocks out

2007-04-12T00:03:00.000-04:00

For a girl who in the semifinals inflicted the schlocky "If My Heart Had Wings" on unsuspecting viewers, later described her performance philosophy as "clock in, clock out" and proved incredibly consistent at donning the shortest shorts available, Haley Scarnato sure did end up sticking around "American Idol" a lot longer - and doing a lot better - than most would have predicted. (Me included.)

That said, was it time for her to go last night? Oh, yes, and she didn't look shocked about her exit, either. As Seacrest delivered the news, she shot him a knowing, "yeah, I kind of expected this" look.

Will she be missed? Like so much else this season, probably not tremendously, but her departure nonetheless made me wonder if she squandered her opportunity. I thought she was lucky to get to the finals, but once there, she stepped up - and yet managed to simultaneously oversell herself by wearing scant outfits and undersell herself by not emphasizing a voice that, while not terribly unique, was better than she usually got credit for. She did go out with class and style, though - wearing pants, even! (Joining her in the Bottom Three, incidentally: Phil, who narrowly escaped elimination again, and Chris Richardson, who after an impressive night undeservedly earned the third-lowest number of votes.)

But as the show began, my thoughts weren't on who would get the boot - kind of strange, considering it was results night, after all. Instead, I wondered "Why - how? - is this going to be an hour long?" Because "Bones" wasn't on tonight? Because it was Just That Important to run an extended version of "'Til Death" in the 8 o'clock timeslot? Sigh. No hint of the results arrived until about 9:30, leaving all of America to endure a master class in Seacrest's skill at dragging things out.

The "Idol" faithful received a random performance by Akon - the second in two weeks, actually. (Aw, come on, and they didn't even ask him to perform his oh-so-tasteful recent hit "I Wanna Love You"?) But at least that gave Seacrest a chance to play Dick Clark, albeit randomly, a task that suits him far better than attempting to play Jay Leno. His lame man-on-the-street interviews were proof enough of that, playing as if he arrived at the Los Angeles Farmers' Market and realized, "Crap, it's 11 in the morning on a Wednesday! There's no one here! I've got to scrounge something from this!" Then, we saw that one of the children set to be helped by "Idol Gives Back" had drawn a chalk picture of Simon, complete with man boobs. Oh, I get it - we're supposed to laugh. Later came Longest Recap Ever, followed by Seacrest toying with the contestants (He makes Sanjaya stand up! And sit down. And stand up! And sit down. And stand up! And finally he tells him he's safe). Yes, viewers, welcome to "A Test of Patience," hosted by - who else? - Ryan Seacrest!

Jennifer Lopez' performance, at least, was a rare bright spot. With its tight choreography, smoke, flames and J.Lo herself providing plenty of stage presence, it was not only, well, actually good and befitting a major star, it also helped me better understand how Lopez can sustain a music career, even with just an average voice. Funny, too, was how quickly she switched out of mysterious semi-diva mode and into enthusiastic Jenny From The Block mode, all without seeming artificial. In a night that contained more filler than a low-priced lunch meat, her presence was refreshing. And, I've got to say, the more I saw of her coaching session, the more I appreciated her.

Bring on the designer jeans! Forget - for a moment, if you can - the blindingly gold, fit-for-a-drag queen shirt Paula was sporting last night and instead consider what's been transpiring this season on the Ryan Seacrest fashion front. Once proudly, scruffily metrosexual - the kind of guy who not only didn't fear fashion silliness, but winked at it - Seacrest now favors gray suits Every. Single. Week. I'm confused! I mean, I don't mind suits, but is he going for Simon-like wardrobe consistency? Or is the show's stylist just using all of his hip male ideas on Blake, leaving nothing for the host?

We are (not) family: An "Idol"-watching friend asked me about this last night, and I think I agree: Why aren't we seeing more of the contestants' families and backgrounds this season? By this time last year, we'd already become acquainted with at least one member of pretty much every finalist's family, an approach that helps viewers understand and connect with them more. This season, I think I can recall seeing Sanjaya's parents and Melinda's family in the audience. So where's everyone else? The other finalists can't all be on hostile terms with their folks, can they?

Lost in translation: For a song whose title means "Let's Dance," the contestants' take on Enrique Iglesias' "Bailamos" sure didn't include much patented Idol choreography, nor a lot of other motion or verve, for that matter. But at least it was a fairly accurate reflection of how the show as a whole has been going this year: As usual, Jordin provided the most interesting part.

For those who've been living under a boulder recently: "Coming up in two weeks, our charity special - have you heard about it? - 'Idol Gives Back'," Seacrest said partway through the hour. What? "AI" is doing a big charity blowout? How'd word leak about that?!

Because no one else really provided it? "Last night, our top eight turned up the heat, with Jennifer Lopez providing all the Latin flavor!" Seacrest said, introducing the recap of Tuesday's show.

Ah, but how to justify the other weeks' apparel? After saying she wasn't really offended, but was still hurt, by Simon's snide remarks about her clothing and talent - or lack thereof - Haley attempted to explain her oft-skimpy wardrobe: "I'm not gonna feel like I'm gonna wear anything that's gonna be completely inappropriate," she said, later concluding her remarks with "it was Latin Week!"

"Surprisingly?" What?: "After the nationwide vote, LaKisha, surprisingly ... you are safe," Seacrest said in announcing the results. Um, what exactly was he trying to say about the kind of Tuesday LaKisha had?

Honesty, still the best policy: After learning that they were the week's bottom two, Phil and Haley reacted in drastically different fashion. Haley, with great frankness, confessed to being incredibly nervous. Phil, smiling as usual, was like, "We're just blessed to be here, man, seriously." OK, yes, in absolute terms, he's right - he and the rest of 'em are lucky to be on the No. 1 TV show in the nation, singing in front of 30 million viewers. But blessed to be standing in the middle of the stage, on the brink of elimination? Not so much; 100 percent diplomacy, 100 percent of the time can ring pretty false.

Yet another compelling argument for keeping the Sanjaya train rolling: "I definitely hope Jennifer Lopez felt our passion," Sanjaya cracked in the outtakes from the coaching session, making a sly face at the camera. "And maybe I'll get her number later, and we won't have to tell Marc Anthony about any of that." Whatever your thoughts about his singing, dude sure does know how to amuse.

Next week: "Idol" goes down-home for country night, with guest coach Martina McBride. Last year, the theme was tailormade for Kellie Pickler and Bucky Covington, among others; the year before, Carrie Underwood staked her claim. This year, it doesn't seem to fit any of the contestants - which could make things interesting. All I can say is, I can't wait to see how large a cowboy hat Sanjaya's gonna wear.

Ocho is enough

2007-04-10T22:32:00.000-04:00

Ay caramba! Tuesday, as "American Idol" attempted Latin Night, the beat wasn't the only thing that got turned around and upside down. More like the whole show: How else to describe an evening when Chris Richardson and Sanjaya (!!!) delivered the best performances?

On a certain level, "American Idol" and Latin Night go together like Seacrest and Dunkelman - that is, really awkwardly. I can't remember the show's powers that be even attempting the theme since Season Three (oh gosh, excuse me while I shudder, remembering John Stevens attempting to feel the rhythm) and after that excruciating evening, who could blame them? That said, last night wasn't so much flat-out bad as just...weird.

I was not at all prepared to like guest coach Jennifer Lopez, but she totally won me over with with her enthusiasm (she watches the show at home!) and surprisingly down-to-earth demeanor - both qualities that put her head and shoulders above Gwen Stefani as far as Idol appearances are concerned. (Even though I praised Gwen's coaching stint a few weeks ago, in hindsight, she came off as kind of cold.) Given that I like Stefani's music about 100 times better than J.Lo's, that was a strange position to be in - an argument for remaining open-minded, I guess. That said, the reality of J.Lo - no great singer, by anyone's definition - advising contestants in a singing competition was, uh, interesting. (Good thing a lot of them asked her for dancing advice!) But at the same time, you don't necessarily have to be an amazing singer to be able to advise people about songs, so...

On a related note, I confess, my knowledge of Latin music isn't exactly prolific, but I'm thinking the genre must include albums beyond Santana's "Supernatural" and "Gloria Estefan's Greatest Hits" - something only Melinda, Sanjaya and Blake appeared to comprehend. As a result, the night ended up a less-than-compelling argument for the richness and variety of Latin sounds.

Melinda managed to choose a song that again made her sound old, boring and incredibly proficient, all at the same time. LaKisha at least displayed more personality, and looked vibrant in a saucy red dress, but, I mean, even Paula called her take on "Conga" "very safe" - which it was. "I feel like it's now time to really bring out the very best, because it's getting down to the wire there," Paula said, making a surprising amount of sense. If LaKisha continues sort of coasting, she might end up coasting right off the stage, which would be unfortunate, given the quality of her voice.

Haley, meanwhile, continued her unrelenting quest for shorter hemlines, storming out onto the stage amid synthesizer riffs and flashing lights, as if prowling a catwalk, and then strutting about in hot pants and towering heels as she performed "Turn The Beat Around" in rapid-fire fashion. The girl already appears to be single-handedly keeping the Daisy Duke industry afloat; if her pants got any higher, she'd be wearing underwear. Is it too bold to suggest she might just try wearing, like, a leotard and tights next time? After all, she does have experience, given her past in gymnastics. Anyway, the whole charade just keeps on inviting comments such as this one, from a laughing Simon: "I think you have a very good tactic at the moment, Haley: Wear as least amount of clothes as possible, because look, I'll be honest with you you can't do well in this competition based on your voice because there are much better singers." Afterwards I think I noticed her shoot the judges the look of death, but, um, given her own conduct, I'm not sure she's really entitled to be pissed when the likes of Simon critique her based on her looks. Did I mention I missed Gina this week?

As has become his pattern, Phil turned in another vocally competent yet unoriginal, emotionally staid performance - this week to "Maria Maria." To be fair, he was a lot better than he was last week (and he sported a nice cap!), but that still wasn't enough. Even though he's a nice enough guy, I guess I'm just not a Phan. Nor is Simon, apparently, considering he said Phil evokes "nothing I can get too particularly positive or excited about." Joining him in the "eh" bin this week was Blake, semi-surprisingly, whose version of Marc Anthony's "I Need To Know" earned raves from the judges, for reasons I had a hard time comprehending. Never before had I stopped to contemplate or appreciate Marc Anthony's range, but Blake's performance made me do just that; although it wasn't a bad choice of song, it sure did expose the fedora-wearin' beatboxer's limited range.

In the end, the only three performers who really appeared to deliver were Chris, Sanjaya and Jordin. The latter's infectious energy didn't come as a surprise, nor did her warm, fairly assured version of "The Rhythm is Gonna Get You." And though I kind of groaned when Seacrest promised that "after the break, Chris Richardson gets Smooth" - when hasn't the guy been smooth, after all? - his firing-on-all-cylinders version of Santana and Rob Thomas' "Smooth" was probably the performance of the night, from the song choice on down.

Which leaves us with - well, really, two different people. Let's call them "Ponyhawk Sanjaya" and "Actually Trying Sanjaya." In an uber-meta moment that would have caused the spontaneous combustion of thousands of Idol watchers everywhere, Ponyhawk Sanjaya would have chosen to perform Ricky Martin's "She Bangs," looking as absolutely outrageous as possible. Actually Trying Sanjaya, however, finally showed his face, and selected the lovely part-Spanish/part-English ballad "Besame Mucho"- which he sweetly sang sitting down, with his hair kind of done normally, accompanied by flute. The performance was kind of hard to reconcile with visions of Sanjaya The Water Cooler Phenomenon, but once I put that out of mind and realized Sanjaya wasn't leaping about like a teen possessed, I began to, uh, appreciate it. Could it be that Sanjaya was, yes, still entertaining, except this time in a sane way? Could it? I wasn't the only one who pondered that point: The judges praised Sanjaya, too - yes, even Simon, with all-too-apt remarks: "Right, I couldn't undestand a word of it, you sang like a 14-year-old, and - I'm gonna hate myself for this - it wasn't horrible." And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the joy of "Idol."

Seacrest's got your number: Oh no, he didn't start the night by calling the contestants the "top ocho"...did he? Oh, but he did.

Beatboxing to the, uh, rescue? "I totally need a beat," Haley said as she practiced "Turn The Beat Around" with just J.Lo and a piano. "Why don't we get Blake? Where's Blake,?" an amused J.Lo asked. And then, as if on cue, the beatboxer himself arrived from the wings. And, yes, beatboxed as Haley sang.

Fill in the blank: "Alright, yo, you know for me man, just keeping it honest and real dude, that was really karaoke for me tonight. I'm sorry. I just didn't get that one at all. I could have been anywhere. Any bar, any whatever," Randy informed Haley. So, wait, by "whatever," did he mean "pageant"? Or "strip club"? Or...well, you know, as the man said, whatever.

So he approved of her coaching? "I'm sittin' there trying to sing this song, and I keep glancing over and it's like, Jennifer Lopez is sitting there watching me or something. then I'm like, wait, it IS Jennifer Lopez, so all of a sudden I'm like, wait, what am I singing?" Phil observed, rather hilariously. And, I mean, he was right. She was sitting there, watching him.

More endearing adorableness, coming up: Responding to a viewer question, Jordin said that if she could pick next week's theme, she'd choose '80s music, "because I love it!" As a connoiseur of '80s music cheesy and serious alike (haha, or, given some '80s songs, both, all in one tune) and fan of broad "Idol" theme weeks, I agree wholeheartedly. Producers, take the girl up on the suggestion!

Now, how would she know that? "This week I'm singing 'I Need To Know,' by Jennifer Lopez's husband, Marc Anthony," Blake knowingly cracked as he introduced his performance, putting J. Lo in the interesting position of having to judge some punk kid's take on her husband's big English-language hit. Among her comments: "When you're listening to Marc Anthony sing this song, it's like he has this different type of voice, it's like really big and everything..."

Inkin' a (great) deal: The prize* for "most tattooage ever displayed on the Idol stage"goes to Blake, or more specifically, his right arm, if last night was any indication.
*(What is the prize, you ask? I don't think I'll be giving away too much if I disclose that it's a mention in a blog produced by a large North Carolina newspaper. I know, a highly coveted reward! Competition was fierce!)

Signs...of the apocalypse? The audience definitely came up with some gems Tuesday, including "Shake 'n' Blake" and "Don't be fooled by the votes that he's got, he's still...he's still Sanjaya and he rocks."

Bottom three: As much as I'd love for Haley to get kicked off, I fear she may have punched her ticket to next week just by being, well, her. That said, I'll offer two bottom threes, the one I'd like to see, and the one probably more likely to materialize. I claim no powers of prediction, but I nonetheless give you... My ideal Bottom Three: Haley, Phil and some high-flyer (Blake? LaKisha?) who did poorly, with Haley sashaying on home. The Bottom Three we have a better chance of actually seeing: Phil, Sanjaya, LaKisha. And not that I'm saying it will happen, but wouldn't it be just a cruel fate if Sanjaya bids adieu after finally deciding to take a performance seriously and doing well in unironic fashion?

Gina: Not smiling after that

2007-04-04T21:33:00.000-04:00

As a wildly successful program featuring Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson and repeated use of the phrase "yo, dawg," "American Idol" consistently defies logic, so I suppose the unfortunate results of Wednesday's elimination show shouldn't have come as a surprise, or a blow, for that matter. Shouldn't have, but nonetheless did, considering a shaken Gina was sent packing after a night when Phil personified morose, Haley didn't so much carry a tune as sell it on a streetcorner, and Sanjaya was, well, Sanjaya. Heck, it was a results show so underwhelming even the guest of honor didn't show up. (Ok, so Tony Bennett had the flu - according to Seacrest - and couldn't perform, but still.)

True, Gina could have bettered her chances by choosing a more upbeat song than Charlie Chaplin's "Smile" and a less extreme wardrobe - speaking of, didn't she look 1000% improved Wednesday? - but that alone shouldn't have been enough to sink her so early in the season. Even though she wasn't always the most consistent, she was interesting, and her voice was good enough to make you think she'd continue improving if she managed to survive. Indeed, she proved that again Wednesday, even as she tearfully sang lyrics all too appropriate for the circumstances: "Smile, though your heart is aching/Smile, even though it's breaking." Ouch. Fellow contestants also looked visibly moved and surprised by the news of her ejection; Jordin and Melinda both appeared to be crying.

Gina's exit - coming just one week after what was probably her best performance of the season, by the way - also takes away more than a bit of the scarce spirit the already personality-challenged Season Six possessed. But there could be at least one unintended benefit: The fact that someone undeserving has gotten the boot - unlike the past three castoffs - may wake people up a bit, thus spelling the end for Sanjaya or some other hilarious/sympathetic/but ultimately unworthy character. If Gina's fellow bottom three-ers Phil or Haley had been kicked off instead, people could have continued feeling secure in the knowledge that all the decent contestants survived, but not anymore - so, we'll see.

Packed only as in "well padded"? "But as always, we have a packed half-hour for you," Seacrest said, introducing a program that, as ever, contained about 29 minutes of filler.

Well, you're still on the show, so maybe that's a start? :-) "I danced with Paula Abdul! How much better can it get?" Sanjaya enthused in a clip filmed after Tuesday's performances.

Seacrest, International Man of Not-Quite-Mystery: You had to know something was up with Tony Bennett's planned performance when Seacrest failed to tout Tony and instead kept mentioning that an unnamed "special guest" was coming up. Before he announced it was his pal (apparently?), young crooner Michael Buble, my imagination - well, didn't exactly run wild, but at least broke into a jog. At first I hoped we'd see a choreographed dance routine featuring the contestants (I mean, one can hope), but then Seacrest said "guest," singular, so I wondered whether we'd see Paula take the stage (with Randy on bass, haha)! But, oh, wait, no. Too bad, though, because that would have been so un-Tony Bennett as to blow viewers' minds.

Although it did crack me up, thinking of Taylor with such a nickname: "I don't come up with the questions," Seacrest said apologetically, after asking viewers to respond to another hopelessly lame piece of "Idol" trivia. (The question, incidentally: "This American Idol finalist was jokingly referred to as 'Chicken Little.'" The choices: Kevin Covais, Bucky Covington and Taylor Hicks. I don't think I'm spoiling it for anyone to mention the correct choice is Kevin.)

Oooh, he totally didn't get the "don't bring her up" memo: Among the "Idol" world's cardinal sins, it seems, is mentioning discarded and, particularly, controversial contestants...so, yeah, that definitely added to the awkwardness when Michael Buble attempted the following joke after his performance: "Am I wasting my votes by still voting for Antonella Barba?" After stiffly and hurriedly responding "No, I do the same thing," Seacrest helpfully clarified that Barba is "no longer with us" (I think I heard that correctly?) and cut to commercials in record time. Crap, there goes my plan to send shoutouts to Corey Clark, Frenchie Davis and Mario Vasquez!

Hemlines, going up (again): Why yes, the skirt Haley wore over, well, nothing was in fact shorter than the one Gina was wearing over jeans.

Maybe Melinda can give her voice lessons! If I heard Seacrest correctly, next week's guest is Jennifer Lopez. Multifaceted though she may be, as a singer, J.Lo is, er, a great actress.

Higher "Idol" standards

2007-04-03T22:18:00.000-04:00

What is it about standards week that tends to lift "American Idol" to a higher plane? Give the contestants tunes from their own lifetimes and they'll just as soon crash than soar. But stick to the classics - or, as Tuesday's guest coach, Tony Bennett, described them, "the best songs that were ever written in America" - and something just clicks. That type of timeless music doesn't rely on gimmicks, and so neither can the finalists, when it comes to performing. Songs from that era also better lend themselves to interpretation, allowing more of the contestants' talent to shine through (if they possess talent, that is). It all makes for the type of evening that, more than others, can surprise: Way back when, the theme signaled the emergence of Kelly Clarkson.

Tuesday's show offered only one really lackluster performance, courtesy of Phil, which was more than offset by Bennett's excellent presence. Seriously, everything he said made sense. And though he didn't sing one note, he still conveyed the same kind of laid-back warmth that's helped him move audiences for half a century, looking every bit the kind older next-door-neighbor in his yellow sport coat. Even Paula, bless her heart, was on - on what, I'm not sure, but she was shockingly coherent and at times even catty, spitting out words with amped-up fervor. She told Blake he "personified PIZZAZZ," proclaimed she was "just so frickin' proud" of Jordin, and responded to Haley's performance by saying "Did I mention green's a good color for you?" Burn!

She definitely didn't have the same reaction to a pair of performances that showed The Divas are back in force. Given the theme and Melinda and LaKisha's tendency to favor old songs, I guess that wasn't terribly surprising, but both turned in spunky, crackling performances full of big notes. Despite her technical prowess, Melinda usually leaves me pretty cold, so I wasn't expecting to love her "I Got Rhythm." But, uh, goodness gracious. She was absolutely in her element, schooling everyone else with incredible control and phrasing - and an energy missing from her other recent songs. That said, she can still come off as too practiced; for instance, you learn a lot about the contestants' personalities based on their reactions to the judges' remarks, and Melinda this week held firm throughout with the same smile plastered on her face, maintaining the pose even as Seacrest read off her phone number. And though LaKisha's "Stormy Weather" was by no means the best I've ever heard - it started a little strangely for me - it proved a sassy enough return to form to calm my fears that she'd lost the plot. But ladies, know that we're still waiting for something contemporary in the weeks to come.

Blake's "Mack The Knife" was smooth and charismatic, if not nearly as expansive and memorable as Clay Aiken's version four years ago. I know, I know, Blake and Clay are totally dissimilar, so it's not really a fair comparison, but still, watch enough "Idol" and you'll tend to recall these things. Blake did have at least one advantage, though: He was sporting plaid pants again. Yes! Even better was the usually-bland Chris Richardson (I know, who'd have thought, Chris Richardson outdoing Blake?), whose on-point "Don't Get Around Much Anymore" sure struck me, as it did the judges, as his best performance to date. For once, his kind-of-limited style wasn't a hindrance; he chose a great song and then managed to give it a contemporary feel while remaining true to its melody and feeling, which couldn't have been an easy task.

On the opposite end of the spectrum was Phil, who came out looking beatific, as always. Though he mentioned how excited he'd been for this week - "Tony Bennett is my hero," was the exact quote - it sure didn't show in his stultifying take on "Night and Day." "I think it had all the joy of somebody singing in a funeral parlor," Simon told Phil afterwards, as Phil proceeded to smile. A few minutes later, Phil said he was just trying to focus on his wife as he delivered his dire performance. Talk about a backhanded compliment: "Hey, honey, look what heights you inspire me to!" And that's totally aside from the pinstriped suit that made him look like a wedding guest of some kind, and the unwelcome reemergence of his distracting, gleaming chrome dome. Surely, he would have been better served by some kind of dapper haberdashery, or could have, you know, stolen Chris Richardson's fedora as a last resort.

Whatever Phil's crimes of fashion, however, they were mere misdemeanors compared to the felony Gina's look suggested: Specifically, robbing a Hot Topic store. Oh, that awful, slitted dress! Those fishnet tights and black boots (again)! And worst of all, that hair, with that pink protrusion on top! And it's not as if it's impossible to look edgy and classy at the same time - in fact, Gina herself did it in the semifinals. The clothing distraction was also a shame because it clashed with her restrained, competent-but-not earth-shattering take on "Smile." Jordin Sparks, meanwhile, suffered no such problem, managing to sing the tough "On A Clear Day" with admirable control and characteristic spirit, leading Paula to dub her "a magnet of joy."

Which leaves us with the two contestants who more than any others do their utmost to distract viewers from the singing: Sanjaya and Haley. After weeks of bonkers hairdos and off-the-wall performances, Sanjaya toned things down Tuesday - in deference to the esteemed guest coach, perhaps? "My goal this week is to make America see that I actually can sing," he said with a smile, and if he didn't exactly accomplish that with his "Cheek to Cheek," he does deserve credit for trying. "What I like about him is that he dares to be different," Bennett said, pretty much explaining Sanjaya's continued appeal. In a season where contestants' personalities are, for the most part, fairly vanilla (or at least well-masked), Sanjaya strives to entertain - and I think he did Tuesday, sporting a white suit and slicked-back hair and singing in a voice that was far from the world's worst (even if it seemed to sort of lack spark). That's not to say he didn't have his, uh, moments: "Welcome to the universe of Sanjaya!" he exulted after Simon told him he was "Um, uh, incredible."

Then there's Haley, who vamps her way through every performance, banking on winning a game of "How short can my skirt go?" instead of concentrating on, oh, I don't know, singing. Ok, we get it, you've decided you're The Hot Girl, but since when has anyone won "American Idol" based on that? The fact is, Haley has a nice voice, but the judges rarely talk about it or provide constructive criticism because they're always distracted by her borderline trampy wardrobe. As long as she continues to objectify herself, she's undermining any credibility she may otherwise have been able to accumulate.

This week, the pattern continued, with Haley practicing the intimate, wonderful "Ain't Misbehavin'" as if it were "Santa Baby." "I'm savin' my love for you, and you, and you - oh, and you!" she sang saucily. Tony Bennett was not impressed, noting that such an interpretation made no sense and destroyed the story of the song. "The premise of the song is there's only one person she's in love with," he sagely advised. "She should just sing to one person, and if she does that, then it'll be a better performance." (Note that he never said "a good performance.") Given how loudly and frequently Haley has talked about pining for her fiance during the course of the show, one would think that singing to one person would have been be an easy enough task, and yet her all-flash, no-substance rendition suggested she just didn't get what the song was about at all. Beyond that, she disregarded Bennett's advice and sang "savin' all my love for you, and you," which was still just wrong, even if it did contain 50% less "you" than the rehearsal. But, yes, anyway:

In other words, not due for beatboxing anytime soon: "This song is pre-rap, you know, Mack the Knife being this very sharp gangster, so think of that when you do it tomorrow," Bennett counseled Blake.

Yes, of course, in that bald, lifeless way: "The good news is, you're reminiscent of a young Frank Sinatra," Paula told Phil after his performance, prompting an aghast "What?!" from Simon. "Which Frank Sinatra are you referring to? Seriously?" he asked a few sentences later. "My opinion," Paula answered smugly.

Apparently you got hyperbole, too? "Not only you got rhythm, you got CDs, you got number ones, you got concert halls!" Paula raved to Melinda following an admittedly fine performance. But, come on, being able to sing "I Got Rhythm" does not a career make.

Get out! "I don't think we're ever going to be able to criticize you," a clearly amused Simon told Melinda after her performance. "This is a problem." But wait, Seacret asked: Why is that a problem? "Because we like being mean to people occasionally," Simon replied, grinning.

This must be the kind of moment TV hosts live for: "Now, two legends collide: Tony Bennett meets Sanjaya," Seacrest said, introducing you-know-what.

Surely, they mustn't mean the produce? "SANJAYA is my PAPAYA," read one sign spotted in the audience.

The Other Show That Must Not Be Named: I don't think it was my imagination - did Randy really try to shush Paula after she mentioned ABC's "Dancing With the Stars" during her comments to Sanjaya?

Oh, but nothing else standard does: "Sanjaya. Standard text messaging rates apply," Seacrest said in what had to have been a mock monotone. This, just moments after Sanjaya shouted "Lucky number seven!" as Seacrest recited his "Idol" phone number.

Bottom three: Based on performances, it ought to be Phil, Haley and Sanjaya, and to be sure, I wouldn't be bummed if any of them headed for the hills. But unless Sanjaya's comparatively normal look and actual attempts at singing last night completely killed his mojo, I'm thinking Gina might end up in this group instead, though not off the show altogether. Though Phil has demonstrated he can sing, he hasn't really connected with songs or the audience on a deeper level, and I can't see him having enough support to survive after a night like Tuesday...

A Sligh goodbye

2007-03-28T21:42:00.000-04:00

What happened to Chris Sligh?

Not literally, of course, because we already know the answer to that: He got kicked off "American Idol" Wednesday night, on the heels of a pretty shabby version of the Police's "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic." But for someone who entered the "Idol" fray so promisingly, so hilariously, struggling through the finals and then ending up in 10th place seemed a diminished, too-brief coda. It was as if he lost himself somewhere along the way, and never got comfortable in the finals.

The show was the worse for it. As the farewell clip montage reminded me, the curly-topped Greenville, S.C. resident was supposed to bring chubby back (back farther, that is). He was supposed to make David Hasselhoff cry! Instead, all he got to do was "sing us out." (Related thought: As the number of contestants dwindles, I guess we'll be seeing more of that from now on. Argh.) But at least Chris left us with one final nugget of humor. As he sang and hugged his fellow contestants, he interrupted himself to settle a score with Phil, who also ended up in this week's bottom three, but survived. "You owe me 5o bucks," he said.

Though I'm not sure exactly what that wager was, I can guess. Another safe bet? This week's bottom three of Phil, Chris Sligh and Haley, a pretty appropriate group, for the most part. A grateful Phil was sent back to the stands first, though I still maintain he's biding his time there. Then, as Chris and Haley (like the cheese) stood alone, Seacrest made the mistake/purposefully time-wasting move of asking the judges who they thought was going home. As usual, the noncommittal twins hemmed and hawed: "I dunno man, it's really a tough call at this point, Ry, I dunno dawg, it's a hard call, I dunno," Randy elucidated. "Uh, never a fun time, never a fun time," Paula said. "I think you both deserve really great warmth from the audience, love --" At this point, Seacrest completely cut her off (a skill he ought to continue practicing, by the way). "Here comes some candor from Simon, I'm sure," he interjected. But of course: "I think it's bye-bye curly," Cowell said, presumably meaning Chris, although Haley was also sporting curly locks at the time. Dependably enough, he was right.

Oh, and there's got to be something I'm forgetting. What could it be? Ah, yes. Not only is Sanjaya (sans fauxhawk last night, mercifully) still with us, he wasn't even in the bottom three. At this particular point in time, it's useless to get all indignant about that fact. Voting for Sanjaya is like getting a drunken tattoo (I figure, though not from personal experience), then waking up in the morning to discover it contains a misspelling: At a certain point the novelty is bound to disappear. Similarly, Sanjaya's day o' reckoning will come - perhaps even pretty soon, if the tepid applause news of his survival received is any measure. There are, after all, only so many more hairstyles the guy can audition, or at least one has to hope.

Was it just me, or... did Chris Richardson look a lot more attractive all decked out in Old West bad-boy mode in this week's commercial, "I Fought the Law"? And while we're on the subject, how was it he was the one person who (from the looks of it, unless it was 100% a stunt double) got to ride a horse? Eh well ...

Sweet indeed: No offense to my beloved choreographed "Idol" group routines, but I think I could actually get used to the guest performances if they were all as first-rate as Gwen Stefani's "Sweet Escape." What with costumed backup dancers circling, arms waving, Akon (of, among other things, "Smack That" infamy) psyching up the crowd and contributing backup "whoo-ooo," and pop's golden girl at the center, it was a sunny display of star power.

It must have been with her: Gina looked mighty crestfallen when Seacrest delivered the news that either she or Chris Sligh was in the bottom three, but she - and her T-shirt reading "GFORCE" - pulled through. As they should have, considering her fab performance Tuesday.

"AI," now with added mega-corporate affiliation! If "American Idol" is indeed the Death Star - hey, not my words; rival TV executives said it - then you could say they've just recruited a new storm trooper of sorts, what with Seacrest announcing a big, big oil company is now on board the whole "Idol Gives Back" train. What big oil company? Aw, now you know answering that would just be playing right into their hands. ;-)

Next week: It's Tony Bennett time, which bodes well; the show always seems to rise to the occasion on such nights.

Idol's mad tea party

2007-03-27T23:11:00.000-04:00

In the video for her debut solo single "What You Waiting For," Gwen Stefani ends up in a Alice In Wonderland-type universe. Tuesday, the No Doubt frontwoman and chart-topping r&b/pop/rock style icon fell down a rabbit hole into an even weirder world: American Idol. And hey, it even has its own Cheshire Cat! His name? Simon Cowell.

Unlike most "Idol" guests, Stefani came with a bonus: She's actually making successful records right now, and her career trajectory serves as a pretty admirable template for modern pop stardom. Though her "Idol" role was more reserved than that of, say, last week's hyper-ebullient guest coach Lulu, she still succeded just by being, well, herself: Sweet, but not irritating; hip and creative, but not aloof; chilled out, and still an enthusiastic Orange County girl at heart. Take her remarks to Haley, who stood before her in the rehearsal room wearing a weirdly Stefani-like outfit of a cropped camouflage jacket and cap. "She started out really great, but then she started doing this other kind of melody which I think is so unnecessary for the song." Or this sage, sage wisdom regarding Blake: "He needs to be really careful about where he chooses to do the beatboxing..." Amen to that!

The week's theme was far more nebulous, described to us only as "the artists and bands who inspired" Stefani, plus her own back catalog. Because Stefani's music draws largely on spirited '70s and '80s pop, rock and r&b, that held considerable, if strange, promise, and yet...it would have been helpful to know who those artists and bands actually were, so we'd, uh, have had a better idea of how Donna Summer, the Police and Cyndi Lauper ended up as part of the same "theme." As for the contestants, well, if, their, er, stuff wasn't totally b-a-n-a-n-a-s, it wasn't exactly rock-bottom, either.

Melinda and LaKisha both chose Donna Summer tunes, and ended up delivering another pair of well-sung but, frankly, kind of boring performances. Although I was glad to see both big-voiced gals dressed their age and singing uptempo tracks, they seemed to lack urgency onstage, not to mention a desire to surprise the audience. Everyone and their second cousin twice removed knows Melinda and LaKisha are vocal powerhouses - Melinda, for example, is the most technically skilled singer on the show - but as past seasons of Idol and indeed, pop music as a whole has shown, skill is only part of the equation, and they can't expect to coast on that alone. I mean, Donna Summer is awesome. But when faced with a choice between her - i.e. their comfort zone - and something more unexpected, Melinda and LaKisha opted for the familiar path. (I mean, I wasn't exactly expecting they take on, like, the Specials or Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam, but still...song choice says something about a person's musical judgment.) As a result, I suspect many who anointed them the front-runners early on will have to eat their words come finals week. As other contestants evolve, improve and carve out niches with their personalities and song choices, Melinda and LaKisha can't risk standing still.

Gina, meanwhile, delivered a strong, heartfelt rendition of the Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You," a song that's not only excellent overall, but was perfect for her - even if she did sing it looking like she was trying to join the Goth division of the Haley Hot Pants/Miniskirt brigade. Jordin branched out yet again, displaying youthful vigor and a winning, refreshing personality in taking on a risky choice, No Doubt's part-spoken "Hey Baby. And Blake had what could best be called a Daughtry moment, smoothly performing a cover of a cover - in this case, an arrangement of the Cure's "Love Song" that sounded just like the version 311 recorded in recent years. Considering that a few weeks ago he described 311 as his favorite band, I guess that should have come as 0% of a surprise. (Similarly, last year Chris Daughtry basically covered Live's version of Johnny Cash's "I Walk The Line.") And he didn't even have to beatbox! Hurrah!

Chris Sligh's fortunes, meanwhile, appear to be fading every week, as if he's losing his grip on his nerves. After cracking to Seacrest that he spent his "Idol" downtime "knitting, crocheting, maybe playing the bongos in my boxer shorts," Chris and his night went downhill - although I didn't think that his version of the Police's "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" was as bad as the judges said it was, with Randy calling its rhythm or lack thereof "a trainwreck." Chris's vocals were decent, and yet: "It just didn't feel right, and I don't think that represented you," Simon said. But what will represent Chris, and can he rebound? I mean, last night, he was left saying "Please" after Seacrest asked "Will you vote for Chris?" And speaking of polite young men named Chris, Chris Richardson helped his case by choosing an strong song, No Doubt's hit breakup ballad "Don't Speak," and then proceeded to squander that advantage by yet again sounding like a midafternoon cut from a "listen at work!" light rock station. The sense of loss so palpable in the original failed to translate to Wannabe Timberlake's version; even if he hit a few good notes, the overall effect was underwhelming.

And of course, where would we be without, well, you know. Each week, Sanjaya sets the crazy bar a little higher, and the fact a) we're talking about it and b) he's still on the show proves that Idol is definitely not all about the singing (Melinda and LaKisha, take note, although by no means imitate Sanjaya). This week's starring role went to Sanjaya's terrifiying, towering mohawk of ponytails (Season 4's Nadia Turner, eat your heart out, because this was by far the most unique coif the Idol finals have ever witnessed). After sitting there staring at it a good few minutes, racking my brain trying to figure out the ideal animal to compare it to, I finally gave up. So then, I contemplated something even more shocking: This week, Sanjaya chose an interesting, more obscure No Doubt song, "Bathwater" (from 2000's "Return of Saturn") and for that he deserves (gasp, I know, it's hard to get the word out) credit, especially given that a number of his more formidable competitors failed at the whole song choice task. Ok, yes, the execution was less than competent. (Oh, how he bobbled his words after singing the line "wanted and adored by attractive women," haha!) He continued to display no range, even if he finished with some marginally improved notes. But somewhere between the gentle fawn put-on and hilarious faux-rocker edge, there's something ticking. I mean, Sanjaya amps up the sweet and naive, but the look he shot the camera at the end of his performance screamed "Getting away with it!"

The thing that cracks me up even more than Sanjaya himself is that Randy and Paula, while laughing, continue to try to offer constructive criticism, as if all of a sudden he's going to hunker down and become some amazing singer. Surely, Sanjaya is better than he's letting on. But is he so much better that going serious would help him succeed more than he is now, in his patented role as Wacky Dude? I mean, why change course? Better to go out in a blaze of "Idol" glory and be remembered, I suppose, than go out, like, Brandon-style. In a way, Sanjaya is this year's Kellie Pickler, surviving more on his overall persona and banter more than his singing (although to be fair, Kellie Pickler is a much better singer than Sanjaya). "Look, Sanjaya, I don't think it matters anymore what we say, actually," Simon said, getting it absolutely right. "I genuinely don't. I think you are in your own universe, and if people like you, good luck." So, until Sanjaya runs his course, we can sustain ourselves with the likes of:

Return of the footwear fixation: Thanks to his, uh, enthusiastic interactions last season with Mandisa and Kellie Pickler, we already knew Randy was fond of mentioning/noticing/leering at ladies' shoes. Thanks to his banter last night with LaKisha and Gina, now we know that was no passing fad. Ah, "Idol," consistent in formula, even when we don't really need it to be.

Eyesore, or earache? "It becomes like an eyesore for the audience," Paula told Chris Sligh after his slightly off-balance performance. That's Paula "I sometimes forget it's a singing competition" Abdul, for those of us keeping track.

Ain't that the truth: "It's not the Oscars!" Simon snapped as the "Idol" music struck up in the middle of his remarks about Chris Sligh. Indeed, unlike at the Oscars, the music actually did go back down to allow him to finish. The two shows have at least one thing in common, though - well, two, I guess, if you count Jennifer Hudson - the "Idol" finale is held in the same venue as the Oscars.

Meanwhile, in the "This just needs to be reproduced for posterity" category:
Seacrest: "Now, we're disappearing, but we'll be right back with Sanjaya and Haley."
Seacrest raises his eyebrows. Why? We soon find out: Cut to a shot of a smiling Haley and - oh my gosh, stop, stop, what IS this hair? oh my gosh - Sanjaya's hair is sticking straight up. He's sticking his tongue out and raising his amrs in some kind of supposed-to-be-rockin' gesture? I guess he's thinking because this type of posturing worked for him last week, it...oh, there are no words. Cut back to Seacrest, whose eyebrows remain raised to the max. Zoom in on his face, as if to say, "Oh, viewers of America, I know. I know."

Not much, except sheer entertainment value? "Let's see what Sanjaya has for us, apart from the hair," Seacrest said as he introduced (his) segment.

Speaking of said hair: "Well, I presume you had no mirror in your dressing room tonight," Simon told Sanjaya, using one of those patented one-liners you just know he strives to dream up as the contestants perform. "You're just jealous you couldn't pull it off," Sanjaya volleyed back. Truly, that's a point there's no arguing, as even Simon had to admit. "I couldn't," he said. "I agree."

Hey, that is about the right ratio! According to Seacrest, there were eight reasons to vote for Sanjaya this week - one of them music and seven of them the mini-ponytails that made up his terrifying "pony-hawk." Hmm, the reason people vote for Sanjaya is only 1/8 music? Yep, that sounds about right!

Wait, who sang that, again? "There was nothing to remember, really," Simon said after informing Haley that thousands of other girls around the country could have done at least as good a job as she had with Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors." "Too safe, and you're gonna have to do better than that." Yeah, so, pretty much...

But the real question will be, how does it feel to go back? "How does it feel to go from an unknown to a household name in a matter of weeks?" Seacrest asked Phil during a "viewer question" segment of the show.

So, we're trying to say we thought it would suck! Gwen, Randy and Simon all found themselves pleasantly surprised by Phil's competent take on the Police's "Every Breath You Take," hilariously enough: "Wow, I didn't know it was gonna be that good!" Gwen said during rehearsal. "You know what, man, I actually kind of liked that, man," Randy remarked after the performance. Even ol' grumpy was moved. "This may surprise you, Phil," Simon said, "but I actually thought that was very good."

Make that Junior Olympics: "I've seen Chris (Richardson) on the show before, and I've noticed that he likes to do this kind of vocal Olympics thing," Gwen perceptively noted.

Now, for the week's "um, ew" Paula moment: Chris Richardson's version of "Don't Speak" apparently sent Paula into some kind of reverie. "You're good, Chris, you're good," she said dreamily. "Just good." (To achieve the most realistic re-enactment, insert a really big pause here, and then let Simon's remarks begin.)

Bottom o' the barrel: After Tuesday's brand of weirdness, it's hard to say, but I do predict Phil will be there.

A Steph in the wrong direction

2007-03-21T21:39:00.000-04:00

So "Idol" Nation, what'll it be? Aside from a few standouts this season, it looks like the choice is largely between bad and boring - and based on the results shows so far, bad is winning. How else to explain that the talented but tentative Stephanie Edwards got the boot last night, disappointingly but none too surpisingly, and was joined in the bottom two by Chris Richardson, he of mild handsomeness and smooth vocal stylings as exciting as plain oatmeal? Meanwhile, Mr. Off The Wall himself, Sanjaya Malakar, will grace us with his presence at least one more week. Go figure.

Although most members of the wholesome "Idol" nation probably aren't on drugs, Sanjaya's continued survival suggests they want to be, or at least want to feel like they are for a few minutes each week, when this dude takes the stage and vaults all things "Idol" into the realm of the surreal. Second-last last week, the 17-year-old will o' wisp wasn't didn't even have to make the "you're in the bottom" walk of shame to the middle of the stage this week, despite a performance that cried "worst high school talent show of all time!" And oh, did you hear the way the crowd cheered for him when Seacrest told us he wasn't in this week's bottom group? Kevin Covais and other past Jokes of the Top 12 never experienced that kind of adulation. Now, thanks to his showing, Sanjaya has at the very least guaranteed himself a place on this summer's "Idol" tour. Eardrums of America, you've been forewarned.

Granted, I'm thinking that people voting for Sanjaya know he's no "Idol." Instead, it's as if they've decided they want a humorous distraction amid some of the other contestants' less-than-memorable contributions, and so keep Sanjaya up there in spite of himself. Accordingly, his vote totals have thus far varied inversely to the quality of his performance. Merely abysmal? Bottom two! Epochally bad? You're safe, safe, safe! Sanjaya is the clown of this whole three-ring circus, there to provoke laughter while the likes of Jordin and LaKisha sail above it all on a trapeze (with, say, Blake balanced on a tightrope nearby). Clowns have their place and all, but when it comes down to it, they aren't worth the price of admission alone (and before irate clown-lovers consider deluging me with complaints, let me stress I mean this metaphorically and am not suggesting the painted, bewigged entertainers are anything like Sanjaya, except maybe when Sanjaya sports a perm).

Amid this, Stephanie departed the "Idol" stage, perhaps prematurely, although both she and Chris Richardson were bound to be eliminated at some point, probably sooner than later. To be fair, Steph had just as much of a chance as any other contestant to make an impression, and she didn't exactly do it. She shed a tear after Seacrest informed her of her fate, but fittingly, it seems, time ran out, and she didn't even get a word in edgewise, even to say thanks, leaving us with silence.

That aside:

On second viewing (courtesy of the recap): Paula's attempted-deadpan suggestion that contestants should "picture Simon not dressed" to relieve performance jitters...still not funny! But Jordin's performance? Still really, really good.

Blake, you may be onto something here: "Seacrest dancing and beatboxing made my night," Blake enthused in a clip presumably recorded after last night's program, where Seacrest, indeed, danced and beatboxed. That Blake could appreciate the sheer riduculousness of that is a good sign.

Wait, there's another side? "Chris (Richardson) showed us his tender side," Seacrest's voiceover informed us during the recap.

Carrying the '60s torch not just musically...was guest coach Peter Noone, who definitely sported a blue paisley blazer as he sang. With "sang," for him, not exactly meaning what it did in the 1960s, although his performance was warm and spirited.

Sandy, is that you? As a friend and fellow "Idol" devotee pointed out in a phone conversation last night, the utterly delightful guest coach Lulu didn't just look like Olivia Newton-John, she underwent a transformation much like the one Newton-John's "Grease" character did, going from a fairly demure and age-appropriate look Tuesday to a tight, black, skin-baring, off-the-shoulder number as she performed Wednesday. And because I adored her as a coach, I'll also reserve comment on the last few big notes she attempted. Oh, my.

Aw, gee, I think we'll find a way: "How are we gonna fit this show in?" Seacrest joked at one point - you know, after 15 minutes of filler, and before the other 13 minutes of filler that were sure to follow.

Dude, I wouldn't get too comfortable: After learning he'd live to see another week, Phil Stacey - who was in last week's bottom three - acted way excited and more than a little too relieved, releasing multiple, louder-than-Taylor Hicks "Whooooos" and continuing to "Whooo!" and high-five every living thing in sight even as Seacrest read the next batch of results.

Rife with meaning, eh Ryan? "This week, we want to send out a message to Corporate America: We need you," Seacrest said, soliciting donations for the "Idol Gives Back" charity extravaganza that awaits us in the weeks to come. American Idol? Reliant on Corporate America? Knock me over with a feather!

Cruel Brittania?

2007-03-20T22:38:00.000-04:00

The wave of music that became known as the British Invasion stormed our shores starting in 1964, shaking up a stagnant scene - and indelibly altering and influencing later artists' work - with addictively catchy, tuneful, blues-influenced rock and pop from bands such as the Kinks, the Animals, the Who and, of course, the two giants who still loom largest: the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. Ask "American Idol" contestants to take that on, and what do you get? Based on Tuesday night's show, less an invasion than, say, a medium sized, mildly aggressive ship drifting into harbor.

"If these people have the same kind of enthusiasm as the Beatles at Shea Stadium in 1964, nothing can stop them," co-guest coach Peter Noone, the lead singer of '60s popsters Herman's Hermits ("Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Daughter," "I'm Henry the Eighth, I Am") said a few minutes into the program. But oh, Mr. Noone (looking toothily handsome in your old-ish age, I might add), surely something could stop them, as we discovered during a night that, while largely better and more varied than last week's Diana Ross show, still ran cold at times.

I was excited about the theme's potential. After all, the show tends to do better on nights that don't revolve around one artist's work, and this one in particular offered witty, helpful guest coaches (Noone and '60s songstress Lulu, who Melinda Doolittle correctly described as a firecracker) and wealth of good songs from bands and solo artists (i.e. Dusty Springfield) alike (even with the Beatles, presumably, excluded because they wouldn't clear the rights to their tracks). It even had an at-least-halfway-compelling extra motivating factor: Whoever avoids elimination Wednesday wins a spot on the "Idol" tour this summer. But would you want to go see any of these people? Ah, well, therein lies the big question.

I'm not quite sure what this says about her role among, and importance to, this season's crop of contestants, but when LaKisha is off, the whole night loses a highlight and ends up suffering. LaKisha was off Tuesday, even if she was sporting a smashing green dress. Shirley Bassey's "Diamonds Are Forever" is dark and mysterious, as befits a James Bond theme. Given the power of her voice, LaKisha's version of it could have been, too. Instead, she drained most of the life from an arrangement that already sounded fit for "The Lawrence Welk Show" or some dreary chain-hotel cocktail lounge. "I didn't feel enough LaKisha in it," Randy said. Yeah, neither did we. Among the other girls, Haley didn't totally embarrass herself delivering a spirited but fairly superficial take on "Tell Him" ("There's room for you in this competition," Lulu told her, and she's right: Haley's voice may not be huge, unlike so many past "Idol" belters, but it can be pleasant). Stephanie failed to really connect yet again, despite her obvious talent and maturity ("I think you are losing your edge...losing your soul," Simon told her, adding that she was "becoming far too old.") Jordin, meanwhile, delivered what I thought was the performance of the week, a well-arranged, controlled and emotionally convincing take on Bassey's "I (Who Have Nothing)." Adorable and personable without being cloying, cute without being skanky, she's definitely on her way up. And Melinda, as usual, delivered another intelligent, technically superior performance, choosing a song from a musical - in this case, "Oliver" - for the second week in a row (why, Melinda, why? clearly, you're a nice person. there's so much better for you out there! I'm waiting for you to truly move me).

Blake Lewis again looked like pretty much the only viable guy in this thing, taking on the Zombies' "Time of the Season" with beatboxing (oh gosh, will it become the "Ace Young Falsetto"-type crutch of season six?), a hip getup (plaid pants? oh, yeah!) and half-dancing swaying beneath multicolored lights that resembled something out of "Austin Powers." Though his voice actually seemed to me to crack or go out of tune at a couple of points, the crowd and judges didn't seem to notice, and rewarded him with plaudits and applause. And indeed, the performance did work.

Meanwhile, could there be anything more innocuous than Chris Richardson, who's to this point displayed the vocal depth of a Dixie cup? Based on last night, Sanjaya is more dangerous (more on that particular insanity in a bit). The judges praised Chris's version of Gerry and the Pacemakers' "Don't Let The Sun Catch You Crying," and to be sure, it was way better than his performance last week. But I couldn't decide whether it was plain boring or a sort of understated success I could picture from someone such as (alas, I am making the comparison), Justin Timberlake. Phil's take on "Tobacco Road," while vocally decent, left me cold (as it did Simon, who called it "a third-division bar band performance" that lacked vocal grit). And his asking the audience afterward whether they had fun after struck me as desperate.

Then, as before, we had Sanjaya, a special case in every sense of the word. Why is he still around? Because he's loopy and strange and thus endearing to some, or so I imagine, and because Brandon forgot his words, that's why! Before The Break Seacrest promised a performance that would unleash "the wild side of Sanjaya," a thought as terrifying as, like, Pat Boone's metal album. Sure enough, that was the only front on which it didn't disappoint. (Although I guess you have to have expectations for something to disappoint in the first place, and let's face it, I didn't go in with any expectation Sanjaya would be amazing all of a sudden, or even merely competent, for that matter.) "As soon as I heard it was British Invasion week...I had no idea what I was going to sing," he said in his spacey, trippy voice. After some debate - and encouragement from Noone - he opted for the Kinks' "You Really Got Me," which turned out to be hilarious, but only because it was probably the absolute worst thing I'd ever heard on any "Idol" finals show, and because the producers kept cutting away to shots of that exceedingly weird young-ish girl crying as Sanjaya sang. Performing/screaming/underenunciating wearing an oversized gray blazer with the alphabet printed on it, the 17-year-old flung himself around the stage with abandon. The hair, at least, was tolerable this week. Little else was. His range? Impossibly small, though that didn't stop Randy - with tongue in cheek, one has to hope - from calling it Sanjaya's "best performance ever." "Man, you came out of your shell tonight," Randy said. Well, yeah, I guess that's one way to put it. Oh, and by the way, was it just me, or did the dude hold up nine fingers during the post-performance Seacrest session, even though his Idol phone voting number clearly ended in eight? So...

Lechery, thy name is Cowell (again): "You naughty little thing," Simon purred after Haley's semi-clothed, flirtatious take on "Tell Him." Hey, didn't we hear him offer a virtually similar opinion on Kellie Pickler last year? Ah, we did. And wait, there's more. After calling the performance fun, young and "a bit shrieky in the middle," he concluded, "I think people are going to be talking about a lot more than your singing tonight."

Meanwhile, in the potential double standard department: Simon wasn't nearly as forgiving to Gina, who wore significantly more. (Is there a connection? Probably not. I'm just throwing it out there.) Admittedly, she sounded pretty rough trying to rock the Rolling Stones' "Paint It Black," but the performance wasn't nearly as bad as Simon made it sound (the phrase "moments of complete torture" comes to mind). And though I'm usually quick to agree with the one judge who, well, tells it like it is, his curt dismissal of Gina - "vocally, not just good enough, sweetheart" - reeked of rudeness, not honesty.

Or, there might not be: "Chris Richardson looks like a star to me, but I didn't hear much of Chris's voice, so there may be a lot more to it. I mean, he keeps singing these songs that are ahaaaahahaha," Noone said before Aspiring Timberlake took the stage.

Bring your umbrella! "I tell you, if you become a big star, I don't want to sit in the front row," Noone cracked to the ever-beatboxing Blake.

Things I need to forget immediately, volume 675: As part of his post-performance banter with Blake, Seacrest attempted to dance Blake-style, singing the line "Who's your daddy?" from the song Blake had just performed. Wrong on so many levels, that.

Do we call that a slight? "Coming up, it is LAKISHA JONES...andphilstacey," Seacrest said, putting a whole lotta emphasis on the name of the contestant people probably would endure commercials to see.

Not exactly a shock! OMG! "Name a song that describes you best," Seacrest asked Jordin, relaying a viewer question. "'I'm So Excited,' by the Pointer Sisters," the bubbly 17-year-old replied in a snap.

Understatements of the week: "The only problem is, he doesn't have a lot of experience to sell what he's got," Noone said of Sanjaya.
"I don't think I'm the best singer in the competition, but I'm just going to work on both (songs) and hopefully it'll hit me," the San-man himself said.

Trust us, the chance of the latter are slim indeed: "Singing either 'You Really Got Me' or 'Something Good,' here is Sanjaya Malakar, Seacrest said.

Yeah, what with the audience and band and singing and all, it does to be kind of like that: "Chris, man, everyone's performing tonight! You coming out in the crowd, man, it's like a concert in here, dawg," Randy said after Chris Sligh sang the Zombies' "She's Not There."

Well, if Paula says so, surely there's something he could do! "Feel free to be more personable with the audience," Paula told Chris Sligh after a performance that began with him walking through the crowd, as people tried to give him high-fives. Afterwards, Simon, speaking for a lot of people, wondered out loud what more, exactly, Chris could have done.

Bottom three: I'd be fine with Sanjaya and Sanjaya alone in this category, but what with it being the bottom three, I suppose I'll venture a guess: Sanjaya, Phil, and maybe Haley? I'm not sure. It's possible Stephanie will make an appearance here, too...

Brandon: back to backup

2007-03-14T23:35:00.000-04:00

For a show regularly derided as middle-of-the-road and white bread - which it is, although not as much as non-viewers think - Wednesday's "American Idol" elimination program sure did end with a triumph of dizzy weirdness.

OK, perhaps "triumph" isn't exactly the right word, considering Sanjaya "Is Love" Malakar lives to see one more "Idol" week, while Brandon "Forgot His Lyrics" Rogers got the hook. It's like watching the Cleveland Browns play the Arizona Cardinals - yes, one team has to win, but neither is going to advance very far in the end. So, yeah, viewers chose "memorable in a strange way" over "forgettable," meaning that Brandon is, presumably, headed back to anonymity and his job as a backup singer.

As far as singing - and related concepts such as range and pitch are concerned - I would have preferred to give Brandon another shot, just to see if he could have improved. With him, that was at least a possibility. With Sanjaya, well, you decide. But - and I'll probably regret saying this if he persists beyond next week - having the totally-out-of-his-depth Sanjaya around will definitely make the show more interesting in most other aspects, in much the same way that the wacky types run roughshod over the audition rounds. (For starters: We get to hear the judges critique Sanjaya again. Oh, man.)

Following a group medley of Ross hits (yes! with halfhearted choreography!) and trademarked Seacrest Delay Tactics, we learned that fifty percent of the guys on the show were in this week's bottom three. I can't say I really disagreed with that, or was terribly surprised, although I'm glad Phil returned to safety. Brandon, meanwhile, who sometimes emanated a hint o' smugness, kept up his polite, blandly professional front 'til the end, smiling too widely and giving too many thumbs up (I only saw one, but that was one too many) for someone who just got denied. And people who wanted him gone - judging from the results, there were plenty of 'em - got another treat, too: There wasn't even enough time left at the end for Brandon to "sing us out."

Fro't on: I'm still debating whether hearing Chris Richardson attempt the beginning of Modest Mouse's "Float On" in last night's commercial irrevocably marred the song for me, but right now I'm leaning toward no, mostly because the original is excellent enough to overcome that. Fortunately, the rest of the "Idol" comrades helped redeem the rest of the ad, especially the sight of A) break dancing and B) Chris Sligh in a 'fro and '70s sunglasses.

Behold the power of blogs: In case you were searching for further proof of the tremendous sway "American Idol" bloggers hold over the show, witness that Jordin Sparks straightened her hair one night after I begged her not to. The pen is mightier than the sword, etc.

And yet, he still made them wait 'til after the break: The filler-heavy, overlong "American Idol" show is as much a tradition as Randy barking "dawg," and about as enjoyable. But with the large number of contestants this week, the elimination show had to operate in rapid-fire fashion to beat its 9:30 deadline. Seacrest hardly had time to breathe as he informed the top 12 of their fate, along the lines of "You're safe!" (moves on to next contestant) "You're safe!" Don't worry, though, I'm sure he's already scheming of ways he'll drag out the "drama" in weeks where he's got a half hour to fill and only, like, four contestants remaining.

So this is what a star looks like: Yes, Diana Ross' voice, was, uh, a little uneven as she sang "More Today Than Yesterday." But for all intents and purposes, the Detroit native's 40 legendary years in the music business rendered that moot - after that kind of career, you're pretty much entitled. And yet her performance wasn't lazy, by any means. Instead, it was energetic and remarkably down-to-earth (yes, even with the backlit, diva-appropriate stage entrance, flowing, off-the-shoulder red dress and huge frilly scarf/cape/boa thing wrapped around her arm). She practically skipped around the stage smiling, exhorting people to sing along and putting her arm around Melinda. Admittedly, it was unusual to see her performing in front of Randy, Paula and Simon ... but I guess that's the case with any of the seasoned guest performers, who are obviously well past the point in their lives where they'd need or even be willing to subject themselves to that.

Ross 1, Seacrest 0: When you're Diana Ross, you can also feel free to ignore Ryan Seacrest's questions, as this exchange indicated:
Seacrest, to Ross: So, who's going home?
Ross: "I just want to say something. This entire show is such an inspiration to American young kids ... I am so happy to be here."
Seacrest, not giving up: "Who's going home?"
Ross, laughing: "I don't know - me!"

If applause is anything to go by...then Blake and Melinda, especially, have nothing to worry about. For now.

A Semi-Supreme Dozen

2007-03-13T23:38:00.000-04:00

Oh "American Idol," where did our love go? Perhaps it's my fault; perhaps last season spoiled us, what with its musically diverse and personable contenders. But watching this year's top 12 debut Tuesday on Diana Ross night, I confess I pined a bit: For a strong male singer (calling Elliott, Taylor and Chris to the stage!), for everything Sanjaya to disappear, yes, even for Kellie Pickler to come back and crack a joke. Despite the rules that result in an even number of guys and girls in the "Idol" finals, right now this year is shaping up to be a whole lot like the female-dominated season three - the series whose talent imbalance and all-girl top four caused the show's producers to revise the path to the top 12 in the first place.

But it's possible I quibble too much. Even in less-than-top form, "American Idol" is like a cozy quilt or a plate of fried chicken and biscuits: It's just so darn comforting to sit down with, and I'm glad the finals are here. (Hey, speaking of, hope you're pleased I've returned, too!)

Besides, I'm optimistic future weeks will top this one; after all, last season started slow with another difficult theme, Stevie Wonder. As is often the case with "Idol," the theme itself posed part of the problem Tuesday, too. Diana Ross has achieved staggering success both as a Supreme and as a solo artist, racking up some of pop's most memorable hits with classic tunes like "I Hear a Symphony" and "Stop! In The Name of Love." But Ross' voice is high and delicate and her range not terribly wide, which presents a challenge for the prospective Idols faced with performing her music. Nonetheless, as a judge, the coolly regal Ross - who, yes, now that you asked, does have a new album out and will be performing on Wednesday's show, totally coincidentally, I'm sure - dispensed at least a few morsels of useful advice, a good portion of which the contestants proceeded to disregard once they hit the stage. At age 63, she looked great, too, and at least one Idol finalist got a kick out of her explosion of curly black hair. "I see we have similar hair," cracked Greenville, S.C.'s Chris Sligh, whose own fans in the studio audience cheered him on with signs reading "Fro Patrol."

Speaking of hair, I'd be remiss to let this moment pass without mentioning the evening's peak fashion happening: Sanjaya and his terrifying curly locks. Just when I thought I'd seen the 17-year-old's hair at its most abominable, shiny and straightened last week, he went for the Diana Ross look on national television. I also mention Sanjaya now because, with any luck, his one-of-a-kind-in-a-bad-way performance of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" will ensure he won't be around to mention in future weeks. The fact that Sanjaya is even in the finals is, well, kind of funny, if you choose to look at it that way, and says a lot about the caliber of male contestants this go-round. Without question (in my mind, at least) the quirkiest "Idol" finalist of all time, the sweet, spacey, stick-thin teen with the brilliant white smile has pulled off the heretofore impossible feat of making Kevin Covais, last season's "Chicken Little," look manly by comparison. "Sanjaya to me is love, I mean, you care about him," said a charmed Diana Ross. Sanjaya returned the favor. "Being able to have Diana Ross mentor you is like having Van Gogh teach you how to paint," he said with awe. Even though Sanjaya lacks vocal range, I should note that his paper-thin, high tone isn't terribly unpleasant. The problem is that it's best suited for, say, a coffeehouse, not the "Idol" mainstage, home to all manner of Whitney-wannabe-style belting and melisma. I mean, hearing backup singers as they overpowered Sanjaya was just totally comical, as Randy noted. Lest you think I'm piling on cruelly, incidentally - which is not my intention - let me offer this from the "Most embarrassing moments?" section of Sanjaya's bio on the official "Idol" Web site: "I don't get embarrassed." Oh, don't we know.

To the surprise of no one, then, the girls completely showed up the guys when it came to singing. LaKisha - or, uh, "Kiki," to her mom and Diana Ross - was, as ever, sweet, soulful, powerful and restrained at the same time, and displayed an admirable control of her voice, even if it did strike me as a bit of a thematic cop-out that she performed Billie Holiday's "God Bless The Child," which Ross sang when she played Lady Day in 1972's "Lady Sings The Blues." Jordin Sparks was utterly adorable closing out the night with "If We Hold On Together." (PS: Jordin, don't straighten your hair - learn from Lisa Tucker's mistakes!) And although she sort of let "Love Child" get away from her, even after Ross advised her to "pronunciate" (which is a real word, according to dictionary.com) before taking on the wordy song, Gina Glocksen continued to display a winning personality and admirable spark that helps set her apart. The judges also lavished Melinda Doolittle with praise following her version of "Home," from "The Wiz," a boring song that, as Simon rightly noted, Melinda made fantastic, or at least as fantastic as a boring song can be. Stephanie Edwards, though, risks getting lost in the pack after squandering the individuality she showed in her first semifinal performance. As it seems now, she looks to be headed to La Toya London territory - that is, talented, but doomed by her lack of distinctiveness - if she even makes it that far. Still, there are three months to go, which is what helps make "Idol" interesting...(And by the way, I haven't forgotten about Haley - more on her at the bottom.)

The boys, meanwhile...oh, the boys. Right now, Blake Lewis - Idol's first-ever skater-punk-style finalist, unless my memory fails me, and one who professed a love for underground hip-hop, electronic music, Prince and Michael Jackson, no less - appears to be their best hope. Attractive, personable and creative, he also boasts a decent voice, though his arrangement of "You Keep Me Hanging On" drowned it out with keyboard blips and bloops. Still, a brief clip of him singing a capella during his session with Ross drew shrieks from the audience. Surely, this must be a sign of what lies ahead. Chris Richardson tries to operate in a similar vein, although not as successfully. "Take you out of the equation, with your charm and personality, I thought it was dreadful," a spot-on Simon said after Chris danced around the stage to "The Boss" Tuesday. (I know Chris said people tell him he looks like Justin Timberlake, but I think he looks a lot like someone else. I just totally can't think of who right now, so any help would be greatly appreciated.) And the promising Chris Sligh has chosen and arranged songs poorly in recent weeks, blandly updating "Endless Love" Tuesday into something that Randy said sounded like Coldplay's "Speed of Sound" (or to me, "Clocks," or some late-1980s light rock ballad). "You murdered the arrangement," Simon said, later adding that "I would keep your glasses on, because I think it's you." Oh, it so is! I'm not sure why said glasses were absent this week, but let us resolve to never see Chris without his eyewear again. Perhaps the power of spectacles will help him recapture his mojo, or whatever it is that compelled him to sing with heart and soul earlier on.

Anyway, moving on:

The Abdul TearTracker, volume I: Paula's waterworks, which apparently operate on a hair trigger, made at least two appearances during Tuesday's show, most notably in the uncontrollable bawling that followed Melinda's performance. That was only 22 minutes into the program, mind you.

Insult elevator, going up! Time was, an Idol judge could call a contestant "a background singer" and it meant something - something negative, that is. But with Brandon Rogers, who actually IS a background singer, it would have just been the truth. Worry not, though: Simon ratcheted his criticism to the occasion: "You came over, if you don't mind me saying, as a background singer for a background singer," he said after Brandon's unmemorable take on "Can't Hurry Love" - so unmemorable that Brandon himself apparently got distracted by his lame choreography and ended up forgetting a big ol' chunk of words in the middle of the song.

That'll do that to ya: "I thought it was going my way until I forgot the words," Brandon said after his performance.

Let's try that first impression again: "My first impression of Chris (Sligh) is that he was a little bit nervous," Ross said. "I don't really have the nervous bone in my body," Sligh replied.

Yeah, that'd begin to cover it: Ryan Seacrest, a man who apparently knows how to craft a phrase with dual meaning, teased to one interminable commercial break by saying, "Coming up, Sanjaya has a mountain to climb."

If you think that's uplifting, wait 'til you hear the Marilyn Manson back catalog! "It's such an exciting song, that song is like a feel-good, you can't help yourself, you want to get up," Paula said after Gina sang "Love Child," which is about the obvious, as well as themes such as poverty, guilt, doubt and shame.

We agree about the hair, and suppose the ingredient isn't his voice, either? "There's something in his spirit that is the winning ingredient, and it's not his hair," Ross said cattily, raising her eyebrows as she described Sanjaya.

Ryan, you have no idea: "The courage of Sanjaya Malakar," Seacrest intoned. "I think we're dying to know what's going on in your head when you're listening to (the judges) give you feedback."

Bald ambition: I've nothing against follicularly challenged "Idol" contestants. After all, look at Chris Daughtry. But see, Daughtry teaches a valuable lesson - there's good bald, and then there's, well, Phil Stacey bald. His voice is decent, as was his Tuesday performance, but his gleaming, pointy head posed a distraction during the singing. We don't care if your hairline is receding - dude, you just need something up there.

Fearsome Seacrest teasers that actually panned out slightly better than expected:
"When we come back, it is Haley live on Idol!"
"Coming up, we've got a modern spin on a Motown classic - Blake Lewis is on!"

Even she knows it can ring hollow: "I'll start by saying you look lovely tonight, but Haley, that's probably not what you want to hear right now," said Paula, using her patented technique to preface or altogether avoid unkind remarks by complimenting a contestant's appearance.

And by artist we mean...something: "Paula, you're an artist, what did (Melinda) feel when she was up there in front of all those people?" Seacrest inquired. "She's feeling like she had an out-of-body experience," Paula replied, speaking about an experience that, judging by her frequent incoherence, she knows well.

Seacrest, that noted literalist: "It is just so fun to watch you grow on this show," Seacrest told Jordin as he stood next to her after her performance, looking up - because, yeah, the 17-year-old had a good three to four inches of height on him.

Bottom three: It should be Sanjaya, Brandon and Haley, with Sanjaya heading for the door. Although Haley's clearly the weakest girl and thus probably not long for the competition, Simon was right in saying that her voice isn't all bad - just inconsistent, mostly - and she exuded a surprising amount of stage presence, at least compared to what we'd seen from her previously. I haven't been exactly what you'd call a fan of hers, and indeed, I wished she would have exited instead of Sabrina. But when the worst girl is still more interesting that several of the guys, it's a sign things might be out of whack. At the very least, Haley's showing Tuesday helped erase memories of the saccharine, excruciating rendition of "If My Heart Had Wings" she inflicted on viewers last week. And yes, of course, we know she misses him, but she might also do well to lay off on the constant mentions of her fiancee back home, considering that she could easily end up back there with him in the near future.

Finale insanity!

2006-05-24T22:17:00.000-04:00

Oh goodness me, "American Idol" fans, I don't even know where to begin. Excuse me while I recover the pieces of my blown mind. See, it's not that I'm shocked Taylor Hicks bested Katharine McPhee for this year's title - you know the victory must have been lopsided because Ryan Seacrest mentioned nothing about how close the vote was. But it's just, how do you process a show as utterly, awesomely schizophrenic as the one we just witnessed, a rollercoaster hurtling towards the end of the line?

One minute, it was about serious singing, and the next, a reeeeeally bad contestant from the early rounds would gallop onto the stage for a 16th minute of fame. One minute, Elliott Yamin was delivering a lovely "A House is Still a Home," and the next Kevin Covais was warbling "What's New Pussycat?" Any more, and I would have started babbling as incoherently as Paula. And yet, it was all perfectly "Idol." No other show could have even conceived such a spectacle, let alone pulled it off. And the ending? Perfect! Of course, of course, that kind of night would end with Seacrest crowning the seemingly unlikeliest of Idols, a nearly 30-year-old, goofy, gray-haired dude with a talent for singing '70s music.

At first my opinion about the two-hour finale swung back and forth about as much as the show itself did, as I tried to decide whether the whole thing was awfully great or just plain awful. But once I finally stopped thinking about it and realized how thoroughly entertaining it was, the choice was clear. ("Great!" for the record.) Heck, this warm, fuzzy, crazy celebration of all things Season Five wasn't only an "Idol" finale like none other, it was two hours of TV unlike any I'd ever seen. Seriously, what other primetime show would bring you Carrie Underwood, Al Jarreau, the band Live, celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck, MEAT LOAF, Toni Braxton, Clay Aiken, Burt Bacharach and Dionne Warwick, and Prince - PRINCE?! And mix it in with a group of smiling teens and twentysomethings singing? Or perhaps more accurately, what other show would even think to do that, or want to? Yet there it was, the most popular program in America, throwing it all at us in bizarrely entertaining fashion! Even when it was bad - and oh, at times it surely was - it wasn't boring. But hey, I guess you can do whatever you want when you're on top.

The proceedings literally caused me to release blood-curdling screams twice (Note to my neighbors: No, really, everything's fine. I'm still alive), once when I saw Clay Aiken stroll on stage looking unrecognizably terrible, and the next time near the end, when, right after that trickster Seacrest informed us there would be no more special guests, Prince (?!?!?!?!?!) emerged from a fog of dry ice and performed two songs. Prince!!! On American Idol!!!! Ok, so he didn't sing "Purple Rain" or anything, but still, just the fact that he was there, randomly, well, I'm still trying to recover.

Also good: We got to enjoy all of the final 12 once more. (Ok, maybe I didn't quite "enjoy" Ace, even on this final, festive night, because he's so hopelessly lightweight. But still, he tried.) Yay, Mandisa! Paris! Chris! We got hilarious clip montages encapsulating each judge's personality - Paula breaking down and gesticulating as "So Emotional" played in the background, anyone? And, speaking of, apparently Finale Night's classy dress code led Paula to wear a tasteful white dress that actually covered her chest. Hurrah!

However, the night also gave us Seacrest handing out "The Golden Idols," "awards" that basically served as an excuse to show more of the season's worst of the worst - i.e., the overexposed-in-every-way Rhonetta (Charlotte's own!), the hyper-tan girl who screeched "Lady Marmalade," the crazy guy in the White Sox t-shirt who combined the Isley Brothers' "Shout" with XTC's "Making Plans for Nigel." In that regard, the whole awards thing was patently unnecessary, except perhaps as space-filler. After all, the crappy contestants already had their day - it's called "the whole first part of the season." And Seacrest? Not funny. Please, take your audition for awards-show host somewhere else. But even amid that there were unexpected bright spots: The "Golden Idols" provided another reason to spotlight Elliott's mom, Claudette; allowed "Crazy Dave Hoover" (who memorably, scarily leapt from the stage to the judges' table in the second round) to fling himself around the stage some more; and led to the previously hapless "Brokenote Cowboys" performing a surprisingly decent, tender-hearted version of "Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys."

After that surreal moment was followed by, well, the even more surreal Prince performance, Kat and Taylor coming out to sing "I've Had the Time of My Life" seemed a relative return to sanity. They cracked me up singing to each other, and it looked like they amused each other, too, with Kat twirling and swirling around in a flowing silver dress even she seemed to think was a bit much - a dress that, crazily, matched Taylor's hair.

Then came the moment of truth, with Seacrest announcing that 63.4 million votes had been cast for the final - more than any president in history has received. Oh, good! Another reminder "American Idol" is making the world safe for democracy! (But hey, on the bright side, "Idol" isn't exactly all about "one man, one vote," and its vote total was still 58.6 million less than the total number cast in the last presidential election. Gotta grasp at straws when we can!) As Seacrest informed us Taylor had won, neither contestant looked terribly surprised, and both reacted graciously. Wait, was that David Hasselhoff in the audience? Oh, and here I was thinking the night couldn't get any weirder!

"What would you liked to say to your fans?" Seacrest asked Taylor, who hilariously, fittingly, exultantly replied "Sooooooul patroooool! Soul. Patrol!" Then, he once again belted out his "Idol" single, "Do I Make You Proud?" Seeing him up there, singing with such heart, shouting out "C'mon America! I'm living the American Dream!" in the middle of the song, as the gospel choir joined in and, later, fireworks rained onto the stage and confetti flew everywhere, it was hard not to get caught up - and easy to forget about all of the silliness that had led up to that point. As Taylor finished singing, his fellow contestants mobbed him to wish him well. What happens to them after this is anyone's guess, but here, at least, at Taylor's crowning moment, all was right with this very strange world of ours.

Contestant duets, ranked from first to worst:

The top five finalists each sang a duet with an established artists ... some better than others.

1) Chris Daughtry with his favorite band, '90s rockers Live: Maybe it's because he's so intense all the time, or maybe it's because he's that good, but Chris was the only person who didn't seem at least slightly ridiculous during his duet. He and Live lead singer Ed Kowalczyk stood next to each other like a couple of bald-headed, rock-singin' twins, their voices meshing admirably, with Kowalczyk hitting the high notes. (If Live's career hadn't peaked about a decade ago, I'd suggest they ask Chris to join the band.) Afterward Chris looked completely stoked, and the crowd applauded raucously, as if to send a not-too-cryptic message: We've missed you!

2) Elliott Yamin and Mary J. Blige doing U2's "One": In which an uplifting Elliott stands in for Bono, then hangs out off to the side bopping as Blige breaks it down, doing her passionate soul thing. Blige overpowerd Elliott as they sang together, but I suspect she'd have that effect on most anyone brave enough to duet with her. Still, quite nice.

3) Paris Bennett and Al Jarreau: Paris is so, so good, and she proves it once again with this. She even looks relatively normal tonight, or at least relatively normal for her, wearing what appears to be a, er, tweed bustier and matching capri pants.

Tied for last or, as we like to call it, "so preposterous it was hilarious" place: Katharine McPhee and Meat Loaf, "It's All Coming Back to Me Now," and Taylor Hicks and Toni Braxton, "In The Ghetto." Ridiculous, ridiculous, riiiiiiidiculous all around. Kat and Meat Loaf, both of whom are experienced in theatrical over-singing, looked like father and daughter belting out what's ostensibly a love song. A love song never intended as a duet. And Loaf's voice? Not quite what it used to be, it seemed. (Still, the choice of Meat Loaf as duet partner? Inspired!) And speaking of songs not intended as a duet, and people looking like father and daughter, Braxton looked entirely inappropriate strutting around to "In The Ghetto" wearing a short, skimpy white dress and heels, gyrating and being all seductive with Taylor. Ew! Poor taste! (I know, I used the words "seductive" and "Taylor" in the same sentence!)

Boys 1, Girls 0: Let's hear it for the boys, whose group performance rather wiped the floor with the girls'. They gave us "Takin' Care of Business," sang "Tobacco Road," with Tar Heels Chris and Bucky, appropriately, starting the whole thing off, and finished with a joyous "Don't Stop Thinkin' About Tomorrow." The girls sang well, too (how is it Kat can be so good and then, so...not?) but were stuck with a medley that attempted to include every pop hit with the word "woman" the title. Ok, we get it, these are empowered ladies, now give them more less predictable songs to sing.

I am quite possibly scarred for life: Before I say anything else, let me make it clear that I adore Clay Aiken. He's unquestionably my favorite "Idol" contestant of all time (although for somewhat different reasons, I think Kelly is the ideal and best winner), and whenever I see him onscreen or hear his wonderful voice, I can't help but grin. That said, could he have possibly looked more hideous last night? It was bad enough that the producers brought back the talent-free Clay wannabe from this year's early rounds, but then Clay himself strode onto the stage to surprise him, looking nearly unrecognizable with a dismal, Beatles-style haircut - and dark haircolor. I couldn't even believe it was him until he opened his mouth and started in on one of his standbys, "Don't Let The Sun Go Down on Me." Meanwhile, FauxClay sang along feebly - that is, when his jaw wasn't hanging open - even after until the producers cut off his microphone. Seacrest then forcibly escorted him to a nearby stool, where he proceeded to freak out. Clay, dear, what ARE you doing? Didn't anyone ever tell you you're better than this? Fire your managers! It would have been one thing if they'd dressed him up to look like the guy that was trying to look like him, thus emphasizing the joke, and still another if he'd simply declined to take part in that and just wowed us with his singing. But this? This? Oh. My. God.

Live with Wolfgang and Kellie: Whoever thinks "Idol" is just about singing clearly didn't witness Kellie Pickler in action last night, as Wolfgang Puck sat her down at one of his restaurants for some lessons in pricey food. She's not a bad singer, but the hilarious Puck segments again made it clear her talents lie in her way with words. Kellie experiencing escargots...or, uh, hiding one in a napkin under her seat? Kellie trying on Puck's glasses ("Do I look smart? Maybe people will take me seriously?") Kellie instructing Puck on how to pronounce "Albemarle"? Priceless! Give that girl a talk show!

"Idol Thoughts," out! The season's end - what will we do with ourselves? - means it's curtains for me, too. But before I go, I wanted to thank you for reading my blog. I appreciate that you've taken the time to check it out, and I hope you've enjoyed what you've seen. I've had a blast sharing my musings about good ol' "Idol" with you, and it's been great hearing from folks throughout the show's run. So, thanks again! And who knows? If some interesting "Idol"-related events break - say, someone attempts to dye Taylor's hair - perhaps I shall return. :-)

Taylor's Made

2006-05-23T22:03:00.000-04:00

Get ready to hail King Taylor, the next "American Idol" - because the show I witnessed Tuesday night was more a coronation than a competition, from the performances down to the crowd's frenzied cheering of all things Hicks. But enjoy it while you can, Taylor fans - and yeah, I guess I'd count myself among them - because chances are good, sadly, that after tomorrow's two-hour results spectacular, you're never again going to see or hear the gray-haired wonder quite the same way, or enjoy him quite as much.

Let me explain: As worthy and talented as both season five finalists are, Tuesday's performance show left no doubt that Taylor Hicks deserves to beat out Katharine McPhee for the "Idol" title. Taylor is a joy to watch onstage, and he's been far more consistent than Kat. But as nice an honor as winning would be, Taylor would in some ways be better served by coming in second, leaving him a whole lot freer to do his own goofy, bluesy thing for as long as he sees fit, free of the "Idol" bubble that threatens to water him down.

The qualities that make Taylor Taylor - his crazy dancing, his energetic stage presence and yeah, even the mugging and ad-libs like his incessant "Soul patrol!" shout-outs - are those most elusive to capture on CD. They don't translate to all-important pop radio. And Taylor’s best performances have come singing gritty, soulful songs from the late 1960s and 1970s – the likes of which aren’t exactly being made anymore by just about anyone, especially not hired hands in the "Idol" machine. Taylor fans, do you want to hear him singing generic platitudes? (Ok, maybe you just want to hear him singing, period, but wouldn't you rather he sing good songs?)

Katharine, for all of her confused stage presence and unsettled musical identity, is clearly more conventionally marketable and adaptable to modern pop. (Is that why she should win? Not really. That'd be kind of cynical.) Though she needs to realize she's no Mariah or Whitney - not an entirely bad thing, believe me! - she's sublime with the right material (see: "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree"), the kind that doesn't require screechy oversinging. And because Kat's younger, she can also grow and be molded more, whereas for better and worse, the Taylor we've got now is probably the Taylor we're always going to have.

"Idol's" original British incarnation was called “Pop Idol,” and that’s exactly what the show found there: The UK's season one winner, Will Young, is still going strong. Here, "Idol" also, inadvertently, hit the jackpot its first season, when Kelly Clarkson won. She was the ideal pop star, young, pleasant-looking, with a likeable personality, a rich voice and a knack for choosing good songs. And sure enough, she's gone on to success no "Idol" contestant since has been able to match, releasing a smash follow-up and transcending her TV-show beginnings to forge a bona fide pop career.

You think music packagers like those behind "Idol" would be well versed in all kinds of marketing, but they don't seem to know what to do with unconventional finalists – that is, those who wouldn’t fit right in to today’s pop scene, no matter how much "Idol" viewers, to their credit, love them. In fact, the way the show's talent gets squandered after the TV portion ends is probably the "Idol" machine's major failing, even if you go in expecting middle-of-the-road results. Consider Ruben and Fantasia, who have by no means failed, but have definitely not fullfilled their potential. Clay Aiken's debut album drowned his glorious, soaring voice and masked his personality in bland, overproduced songs. Whatever interesting Southern rock edge Bo Bice possessed appears to have been surgically removed, with the lead single from his new album sounding not unlike, say, a Nick Lachey track. As for Carrie, she probably fits into the pop world better than any contestant since Kelly, though it's kind of too early to render a full verdict. Certainly, she made exactly the kind of album she should have made – albeit one just like what other country-pop artists are making, and selling lots of. So, we'll see.

As for Tuesday's show - yeah, guess I ought to talk about that, too, eh? - we knew it was A Big Deal right off the bat, because Ryan Seacrest had shaved and, apparently, gotten a haircut, and Simon had slapped on a gray blazer over his usual gray-black t-shirt. Both contestants played it safe with two songs they'd succeeded with before, then belted out the requisite, schlocky, made-for-"Idol" ballads. Out of all five seasons' songs, season one's "A Moment Like This" is the only one I can actually remember, and I wouldn't say that memory is terribly fond. Predictably, both of this year's offerings were a festival of lame, too, even though Kat and Taylor gave them their all. Taylor's song was, I think, marginally better than Kat's, sounding a little like Lonestar's "Amazed" and meshing appropriately with the also-requisite gospel choir that emerged two-thirds through the song to bring the whole thing to a thunderous close. By the way, who are the contestants singing these songs to? Their parents? The judges? Some imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend out there? It's weirdly hard to tell.

Kat's "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" was a laid-back treat, though not as transcendent as her rendition a few weeks back. But, as Simon correctly noted, it was simply too "small" a song for the big night, and thus wasn't the kind of thing that would win it for her in the end. Then, she pulled out her ace in the hole, "Somewhere Over The Rainbow," after just performing it the week before. Once again, it was wonderful - of course, it brought her dad to tears - but not too fresh, either. After both songs she responded to Seacrest's gentle questions in stunningly inarticulate, nervous fashion, babbling on about wanting to have fun and choosing a song from today's top 40 and hoping she can be in the top 40 and oh gosh, her ear monitor failed to function properly before "Rainbow," but hey, she started the song in the right key anyway. What a ... relief? Oh, my. And it's not like this is a girl who's never been on stage before, even if this stage is larger than most.

Taylor, meanwhile, burst onto the screen wearing what Simon oh-so-accurately dubbed "arguably the worst jacket I've ever seen in my life," an insanely hideous (and yet appropriate!) purple velvet blazer. But it mattered not, since his "Livin' For The City" brought the house down. "Round one to you," Simon said. Taylor fell flat in the next round, though, delivering a version of "Levon" - which he did so well earlier in the year - that failed to fire on all cylinders, even if it did include a nice note at the end. (It seemed Taylor was, understandably, nervous.) In the end, he recovered, pulling off his "Idol" single so convincingly you almost wanted to end the suspense and tell he he'd won right there and then. (Which, come to think of it, Simon kind of did.) He was so excited afterward that he let out a big, jubilant "Whooooooo!" To which a typically dry Seacrest responded, "That deserves a couple of woo's." Indeed.

Speaking of good song choices! How awesome was it when the "Idol" powers that be opted to play Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" in the background as they showed clips of Kat and Taylor's, er, journeys on the show? (Ok, yes, I do think this was awesome. Really.)

So Chris did make it to the finale: But alas, not the way a whole lot of us had hoped. He (like most other members of the Top 12) was in the audience, and got a heaping helping of applause when introduced by Seacrest early in the night.

Hey, wait, Taylor has parents? Who knew! Not those of us who've watched the show all year. Or, at least, if we met them, it was a loooong time ago.

Hallucinogens, this is Paula. I think you've already met: "You and I match tonight, we match!" Paula exclaimed after Taylor performed wearing (oh, gosh, I have to mention it again! it's so wrong!) a purple velvet blazer. Now, this statement would have made sense had Paula been wearing, say, a purple velvet dress, or such. But she wasn't. She was wearing a dress with a sort of wavy, striped, multicolored pattern - in other words, clothing that would match just about anything, if you looked hard enough. (Note to self: Only one more day of having to endure Paula. Stay strong.)

"Pitchy" plus Paula, a drama in one act:
Subtitle: A recipe for p-word disaster.
Cast: Two men, one woman. Three total.
Setting: The Kodak Theatre, Hollywood, Calif. The "American Idol" final performance show. Taylor Hicks has just performed a milquetoast version of Elton John's "Levon."
Randy: Alright so check it baby, uh, nice song, to be honest with you, though, to really keep it real, I always keep it real, right, I gotta keep it real - it was a little pitchy for me this time, this song.
(The crowd boos.)
Randy: It was, it was a little pitchy, a little pitchy for me.
Paula: I don't know, what may be pitchy to you is the essence of who Taylor is, and Taylor's just getting into the song.
(The crowd, irrationally, applauds.)
Randy, as if one can argue rationally with Paula: Naw, it wasn't as good. The first song was unbelievable. This song was just ok for me.
Simon, as if one can argue reasonably with Paula: That doesn't make any sense, Paula, what you just said.
Paula: What, I don't think that was pitchy.
Simon: But that doesn't make any sense, what you just said.
Paula, lashing out: When do you ever make sense?
Simon, abruptly lowering the boom: All the time.

The beginning of Kat's "Idol" single, "My Destiny": "I have always dreamed of this/I'll admit that there was something I missed/Wondering if it is for real/Every mistake, every wrong turn, every time I lost my nerve, led me to this moment of bliss tonight."

The beginning of Taylor's "Idol" single, "Do I Make You Proud" (I sense an inspirational trend!): "I've never been the one to raise my hand/ That was not be, and now that's who I am/ Because of you I am standing tall/ My heart is full of endless gratitude/ You were the one, the one to guide me through/Now I can see, and I believe it's only just beginning."

Observation on the song titles, otherwise known as "Yes, we think about this too much": Courtesy of a fellow Idol-watching friend, who pointed out they kind of reflect judges' reactions to the contestants early in the show. Kat was destined for the top from the get-go, but Simon was initially reluctant to even send Taylor on to the next round.

"Bad Day"? Nope, wrong note! Didn't the season's final face-off - an exultant, celebratory occasion, you'd think - deserve to end with something a tad more uplifting than, oh, Canadian songsmith Daniel Powter performing his song "Bad Day," which the show played each week after a contestant got eliminated?